Pain is besutifully lonely. Lonliness is beautifully painful.

The darken shores

Of the humid night

Sea wind blowed

Under moonlight

Simulitude of peace

In all agony

Thickens natures voice

Painful beauty

Out there: a small dingy

Sailor willing the boat forward

Lasting eternity

Determined byword

the picture in my mind

Consider.

We are one week away from closing this American political science class. I am ready to get a break from studying but i must say that this has been enlightening and thought-provoking class. From what I have learn so far, it came across to me that the beauty of the american system may be its vulnerability as well. When the constitution was written, it was written with much gaps created. it is really disputable why this gaps were never filled by the men who created a political document which is the basis of a great nation political stability and a structure for many replicas. the greatness of this document and its influences on the ideas of democracy can not be undermined. But one conspicuous item present is the briefness and vagueness of the document. It could really have been because of the inability to reach a compromise without wrecking the peace and unity that had descended on New England after its narrow escape from not just the english monarchy but also from the articles of confederacy. The most basic and agreeable things were put to ink on paper but even that so little was written and specifics were not mention was the bone of contention. it is understandable that so much focus and strife was produced considering the questions we take lightly today we a major part of life then and the freedom possess by americans are still not very discribable except that americans have inherited their forefathers individualistic attitude and need to secure their freedom tighted then anything else.

However, whatever happen then, to fill the paper with gaps have definitely been a benefit of the freedom to interpretation and freedom for time to change. Above all, it "proves the foresight of the authors" to see that time and tide will change and that new difficulties they could not comprehend would be born. In short, it was their humbleness to recongnize that they are only human and can never appreciate the full scope of the issues.

Call it a blessing but call it a curse as well. Depending of from which angle you view the issues at hand. One thing it sure has provided, is the jobs of politicians, schemers, strong opinions and ideologies, bill after bill and the courts. In its wake it has left two very strong partisan ideologies that contrast at the steepest point possible. To its name, the controversevy surrounding every hole and corner that human intelligence has seek to open and break forth. It is not about changing laws, its about enlightening us on the gaps and interpretations that could be formatted to suit the circumstances.

Conflict is sometimes the most tiring thing we have to go through, but we would have it take us to the end of the world, to the highest cloud and to the deepest ocean to see ourselves defeated. Completely defeated. Six feet underground. It is not surprising, the controversey that can arise from the briefest political constitution ever. It would be good to consider, when we contemplate when we make our political opinions and take sides that really that is much more to see. Only if we look out of our windows, appreciate the air on everest and the lack thereof in the depth of the ocean that we come to realize others view point. That we go throught the conflicts and struggles that are just text book to us, that we taste the spice of another land, that we understand the other camp. I am not suggesting a flight to the dark corners of Africa or the beaches of South East Asia. I am hoping that we would use our wisdom like the writers of the constitution to learn to leave some gaps, to remember to everything we know there is some ignorance still and to every other thing the room for error and grace. It would better for us to learn to listen before we open the wrong gap and forget to close them. It would be foolish and contemptable. There is right and wrong just as there is left and right but it is good to think and question before we conclude in unmistakable certainty, leaving the doubt that all information has not be shown us, all light has not been shed, all corners been exposed. That day has but yet to have broken forth upon us. At the same time we cannot play diplomats always and let snipets of truth go by us without acknowledging that its truth is the truth. After all, its the uprightness of the lack of compromise that solves the disputations. It is the honesty to let go and regain what is rightful that wins respect and gains knowledge. Always remembering that to everyman is given the right to "life, liberty and property".

Encouragement.

The Gift of Love and Life

Lying on the cross
Bloody Pulp of heaven
The Saviour of Love
And a chance given

Renewing of hope
Nailed onto a dead tree
Brewing tears into life
Forsaken for me

Forgiveness taught in gruesome—
Tale of Redemption
He comprehended
The cycle of destruction

He knew history and eschatology
And in seeing all
He still decided it was worth it
To give dashed creation more

It took so much for so little
A birth—
I cannot comprehend
But I will try to love

If I was given a chance
To live as He did
I could try to emulate
But never live up to it

I am given life
Sometimes, I feel like packing
But then, I am reminded
He was not paid for loving

give me privacy for a while, please!

living here, sharing a room with someone makes you appreciate more about privacy. growing up, i think that was something i never really had, so unlike most people i am more use to being around a crowd. but just because i'm used to it does not mean that i enjoy it. i think once in a while, it is good to be alone. once in a while, we want a little space of seclusion. it is getting harder and harder as we progress and become a more globalized, socialize and inter-everything world to find a little quietness for the individual. retrospection and comtemplation is a bygone century of loneliness and withheldness.

personally, my sister and me shared a room. and there were always a lot of people in and out of my house, due to my father's work. sometimes virtue strangers, sometimes people i grew up with. all cramped into that little house. space was scarce just like in spore. privacy is expensive,highly regarded and extremly protected. i found my private space in my writing, my thoughts and in the perfectly well kept bathroom (thx to my guardian/matron).

sometimes i hear comments like "it must be hard having to stay with a roommate". acknowledgablely, much of privacy is having an enclosure and hideout from the everybody and anybody. but more than always, espcially in our present predicament it is almost impossible to have the silence of the heart from the heartbeat of society. everyday is an interaction with the world, socialness is much saluted attribute. even in our enclosed room sometimes a whiff of the outside creeps in, like the blaring music of the inconsiderate neighbour or the interruption of dogs barking. in the morning all the way till you close your eyes and are lost in the peak of sleep, where for once we are shut away from the intense heat of being part of the world and even that sometimes is invaded. even the usual quietness of the moonlight has been suppress with the desire for socialization and the company of a gathered social group. what with cell phones, the internet, instant messaging and blogs (such as this)!! we are so unfarmiliar with being alone that we cannot live without buzz, we are desprate for company and there are replacement even when we are left alone in an enclosed space. movies, music, computer games, internet, etc... you name it.

yet, though our age frowns and is unfreindly to privacy, i still think it is part of our nature to need a space for it. privacy is more than being locked alone in a room. privacy is the individual appreciating its exsistance and communicating within. come to think it, except for the seconds of sinking back to reality, anything close to that is non-exsistant.

i am not saying companionship, love, socialization is to be put aside. God only knows, how much we all need that. but an excessive of company, that sometimes is also like a pleasure that is built of sand, an inordiante amount of busying ourselves and keeping pace without taking time to cater to the soul is a fault.

i, myself, have to be much faulted with this. but this pass month or so. i come to relish the walk underneath the moon, background of water and the darkness surrounding, fresh air and half an hour or more of privacy. it is not lonliness, too much of this medicine is reproachable as reclusive not privacy. privacy is not lonliness. lonliness is when we long to fellowship, but privacy is differentiated by being at peace. when anything else is intruding. when we are busy with a thought or two. when we are not idle. when we are taking care and reflecting on things. musing within. alone but not lonely. learning about ourselves. understand and regretting privately. it is finding the individual.

sometimes, in this busy, populated everday life, amidst a crowd we are alas, lonely. and individuality in this context is not about standing out. it is about stooping down really and running out of the bustle.

so, now take a step back and see if i am right. yea, privacy is needful, even physical privacy.

there are days i think about home.

there are times, when i stop to think and i find reality shocking. if i was asked if i missed home. the answer in the slimplest form would be "of course!!". on the other hand, home is also a state of mind. it is where my body is at rest in an inertia. where there is no tilt or twist.

the peaceful, reconciled of mind. like they say peace is really from within, it is hard to define home. my home, the place i was born and grew up in singapore-

before i knew it, that was gone. sometimes, you get the traveling bug and you excrutiate over the stand still moments but when time has passed u realized that momentus tsunamis are not very fun either. what we want really is a balanced with periods of short tidal waves really.

increasingly, more and more people are traveling and many professions now require traveling. journey has been much shorten however distance has also increased. singapore is 28 hours away and that is just traveling time. when i first came here it took me 48 hours- an improportionate amount of which was spend in the airport. nonetheless, excitment kept me alive. i read, thought and wandered about at almost every stop after all i had to sit like a sardine in the plane rides for hours longer than Add Math lessons. home is far, far away and seemingly not just in distance but in time as well. it seems that years has come and gone since home was a home. but home in spore is somehow still home. when i think and long for rest. for sleep. i dream on lying on the blue coach with lobo streaming from the Bose player and my head resting on a pillow a hand underneath after a hard day of homework and putting aside the fact that there was still a ton to do. sleeping in that evening heat and waking up to the dark windy night and maybe the night lights-

it occured to me that events do occur in the same house but the images of home are specific. the pictures are fixed, the people playing in and out of it are specific and there i find what home means to me.

i have a room here, i have a desk here, i have a bed here but home is far away. these are not bad days. i do have a lot of fun. i do have a lot of time to myself. i do have pictures. i am in transit. a time of thought, reflection and wandering. loitering around the airport. but it is not final destination. i know one day, the picture in my head will be just a memory. home is where i find comfort in lying on the bed not in memories, home is where i am comfortable in terriblely smashed up clothes soaking in the afternoon heat. home is where there is comfort and solitude in the mind. where i feel love is presence and present. where there is no before or after, where i am living the moment without consequence for the after or the past. where history is for the intellectual and tomorrow the astrologers. and I, I am home today.

life is wandering. and i bear the rustle of the leaves with the youth of independence, with the urge and passion for the sun. i treasure the independence of the time and distnce that keeps me away. i see life as a beginning, the days as a start. my steps are crunching the cement and my heart is blowing with the moments of the one and only.

but then again, there is a sequence, there needs a replenishing of water when i thirst. home is not a miss, it is waiting. it is a state of mind. it is knowing that there is a bed waiting if i fall. it is knowing that there blankets that i can cuddle into and shut out the light. it is knowing that i do not miss it for it is there. it is knowing that it exsist in mine heart not just as a memory but a reality, an attachment, a part of me. the love for the dwelling, moments that i had and the people who make it possible.

there are times, when i want to go home really bad. there are times when you cannot see the prayers of the soul. but in these moments it is when I know that what exsist must first exsist in my heart. then maybe, the moments are not so unbearable. one day these will be potions of the my heart which no time, distance or feet can take away from me. not even myself. it is simply not replacable.

questions and questions: who are we???

i was reading an article today about american students holed up in a basement of the american university in beruit, lebanon where war seems the only way to describe the violence that has struck like lightning setting on fire the old, sore wounds.

the american students said she was very scared. anyway, recently no thanks to my political science class i have been thinking about why people care about things? why do we care about others, environment and the animals? or why do we care for democracy to spread or why do we care to vote? life is short and already complex. why keep increasing the state of complexity.

maybe becasue inevitably, this things do affect our life in one way or another. it has its own indirect hold on our life and maybe because we have a conscience? are the motives pure or selfish? i have a feeling even the most political correct answer is a result of some linking tentecles or pure abject fear of retribution? deep down the human anatomy is really selfish! i am not the all-seeing or all-knowing scientist of man's reasoning, but in trying reasons i don't seem to come to one where there is purely no motive.

for myself, i am more confused. why do we choose to live. or is it our choice? why do we struggle to live? do the human constitution require us to be challenge to enjoy something. without competition is life not worth it? without the humdums of society, can we not find ourselves? maybe we are really characterize by the outside rather than the inside, the outside retrives a reaction from inside, from the deep recesses of the soul. just like a magnet: to create a south pole, you have to use a north pole, but not necessarily maybe that opposite poles are installed in our condition.

people all trying to built camps. what identifies us? and they think they know you. they think they know it all, pretending to be the wise and scheming. when it is all selfish and nobody really means a thing. it is all a showcase. sometimes when i look at myself, i see someone i cannot even explain. and all this catergories "about me:" in this friendster and face book thing. do you expect to incoporate a life time into words or personality or character into a section. the answers to ourselves... do we really know ourselves? and does anyone really know us? acceptance in society may not be us. we seem to approach life more as a role that we are built up to play, either that or nothing. maybe that is why life is so excrutiating, it drives out the breath in me because it is a job i have to live with almost day and night. a encompassing relationship.

there are days i dream about escaping it all. of building an ironclad invisible ship to float myself into a sleep. explain myself?? what is myself on a scale, do i compare myself with word created. but i do experiance the uttmost emotions, the dragging of intense description within the soul. somethimg that tells me that i am alive. not just to cry or laugh but also to hold on and let go, to bound missing words into a everlasting dreams. that is me, hardly a character...

evaporating feelings make room for others. maybe life is an emotion, ever changing.. people change? two negatives make positive so if everbody changes and it is a odd number, we end witha change but if it is even, no change. and really how do you know i change? what was before and after?? and i am even more confused.

i don't think leaving answers out is right but do we really know the answers to everything. what are we to do. where is the break and where is the limit and where do we even start. the more it seems a never ending process of entaglement. the haze does not seem to clear out after the rain.

all i can i conclude is that being lost is not a desire neither real answers bring peace. even solomon had ever possible gift, was there an answer in those answers. i wish i could go to sleep, on a pillow clad in comforting hands. telling me that i won't have to wake up to another day of entanglement. to conflicts afar, in beurit and near, all around me... and the ceaseless man talking, dgging, plucking talk... oh God!!!

my take...

today, i set down thinking about my life. what an obscure thing to do. think about my life. i mean basically i am short sighted and not ominpotent. but here i stood frail as i am trying to think about life, specifically mine.

so i will relate my findings. if any makes sense at all...

i realized that there is so much that i have tried to block out. the truth stings and yes, taunts hurt. when you hear them and keep hearing them and you cannot make them go away. so you try to push them away, the more you push it to the back the more they etched in your heart. like your hand pressing on a sore spot, deeper and deeper. they seemingly get quieter towards the outside. things that will never come out no matter how much you want to get it off your chest. no they are buried deeper than the carcass. sitting there underneath the earth, alive but buried. yea, buried alive. they don't sting all the time but their ghost comes out. the stench worst then a carcass at times to haunt you.

come to think of it, i was always one step behind. too slow to get to the real hting. always the loser. bloody loser. sitting htere waiting for the time and chance to come. and worst, grabbing at the wrong thing. it is exactly how i take the escalator or join the queue. i always tell myself to let everyone go first. what was the point of joining the bustle, getting push and shove. i waited till everyone was gone and then i grabbed at it. one step to slow again. what a loser!!

i could have been part of everything but no i had to be slow, what a coward! was i afraid, if so what was i afraid of?

now the taunts come back to me and at that point in time i could push it back. it gave me energy to focus on the things i wanted, diverting the force. but the tremors, it is still here. just like you can change and divert hte energy but you cannot destroy it. it is no more kinetic energy the moving force that propels me, it is potential, buried in the substance and i cannot get rid of it sometimes it comes out as kinectic and then the dragon goes back to sleep. deadly, who knows fatal. when will the hour come?

i could have been part of everything, leading the pack of wolves, the master schemer, i had everything it took, but i always missed it. loner shacklers. no mud to fill my place. cause even the mud cease to be associated with me. even the mud knew that i all i did was stupid choices.

or was it all a bunch of foolish calculations. mistake after mistake. you know, there is no real way to calculate is there. out of it, there are somethings i don't regret about. so many things in life happen and out of it all providence. you will never have some part without the other. and would you exchange it. it is hard to say. maybe you would know at hte end of your life. so why sit here and try to view life already. something profunctry, seeing that hte equation, the path has not ended. 18 years, is it a beginning, it seems long and tomenting and think of eternity... it could be a dread or marvel and both are just words to fill a space. cause really they can harly be describe. can they?

and yes it struck me about that poem by Frost, The Road Not Taken.

It suddenly rings into my head and i presume i understand the poet.

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

we can only have one life, only one destiny, only one chance...

Then took the other, just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

we always want to be special, to miss the crowd, and sometimes to evade the glaring mistakes and sometimes to be ourselves and sometimes we just want to be different. but really life is life. we are not the only ones that had want it. and maybe, if it be so in our life time, time and outcomes, pales us into insignificance. the world and spectrum is so big for the puny being. he hardly realizes his own desires are but emulations.there is nothing new, no new inventions, no new dreams. they have long been...

Oh, I marked the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back.

we only have one story and sometimes, what is the point of looking back. some mistakes can never be corrected. maybe it is better that way. less complicated. do u not think so? what if the short sighted and nervous freaks we are, fickled desicions.. no end to the chess game is there... erm...

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

with a sigh, no fully of regret, it is a mixture of the realization that it is all contempt and wonder. that at one point we thought that that is THE thing. but alas, you fool, 1000s had gone beforw and will come after... sigh... what is it. we thought that at one instant it is a defining moment and yes there are defining moments. but life is also a journey made out of some defining episodes and some comparatively, we think, insignificant pieces. nay but hey are its, Life's, composite, genetic make up. one without the other is not it. and what has the difference come up to. i hardly say the tone is resign or happy... it is more of mellow and content. content with being at peace internally. like an old man telling this to a young jumpy. the difference... is barely a differnce. we all come back to the road and stare at it. form the other way up...

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

we had looked at it before. how was the walk? but anyhow would we know the difference? maybe when we meet again. just remember to blog about it.

affter thoughts...

after one day, reality has sunk in. france lost the WC, italy won it. life goes on. but somewhere between that, fans consider the events of the worlds greatest game greatest tournament. it started off promising and ended...

for me, it was very dissappointing. despite the flavours involved and all the hype, football at its best failed to be deliver to our hearts content. italians fans may be rejocing but seriously, there is nothing to gloat about. french fans may be wallowing in the red card and what a pity...

th rest of us settle down after the WC.

what went wrong? like everything else soccer has its uos and downs and so do its actors. the players were disappointing sometimes despite their talent but more so FIFA. the official officials failed the body they represent: soccer. what a sorry reminder that maybe somebody should shake up FIFA from top to bottom.

the finale to a lousy WC

Ok to finish up the rest of the finale to the 2006 WC. After an extra time which did not produce any goals, we went into PKs. But the extra 30 minutes did produce some changes. Not only did the french coach take out ribery but he replaced henry as well. And brought in the useless trezeguet. And then about 5 minutes from the end, ZZ earned a red card for head butting the provocative M.

So with this events, we entered the PKs. Yes, a heartbreaking one for me! Of course, trezeguet had to miss one and Barthez could not deny any to the itailians.

It was an italian victory for the 2006 WC. who knows the scandal plague italians might have bribed the italians. i mean i don't know but from what i hear about the seria a it seems possible.

DEFEAT IS SORE.

Second Half of Final

the second half opens with a run from henry followed by a lousy finishing. both sides look to get hte ball into the net and the fans look for both good football and a win for their teams. italy gets a onc in a match time possibility as france commits grevious errors next to the pole. and then france gets a opportunity, henry dribbling the penalty area and setting a very nice low cross to be finished but was never finished by the right player. italy send it out for a corner. in succession two great trys for france. creative and acurate passing with showcase of great dribbling. both times right into the penalty area.

france kept going for the goal with exceptional chances always failing in front of the goal. twice again one after another, the french open themselves up for two goals. they show great showmanship but failed to convert the brilliant runs into goals! which is what we are all waiting in earnest for! ZZ trys to drill one through the italian defence but it is a deflection. time and again, the french takes into the heart of the italian defence, but rome carrys it sheilds well. viera is replaced and the italians are looking two send in two substitutes. the exchanges happen and italy scores!!!! but, oh but, it is OFFSIDE!!! italians are lifted for a second only to realized it is not a goal.

first france takes it on and then italy, but both equally fails! defence for both teams suffers moments of heart failure and fans hold their breathe as the insiatiable apetitie for goals is shown by the quantity of shots on goal especially from france but also display by the crafty italians. And we are just at the 70th minute! what is stupid Clinton doing there!?! ok lets get back to the match...

terrifying chances for both sides and slips by the defence, though with the speed and dribbling it is only assumed to create chaos in the defence. now, italy has a free-kick coming right in front of the goal but they lose the opportunity.

the games appera to get tiresome despite the chances. people are waiting for the goal that will decide the game. ZZ's hand is injured, will it obstruct the french game? we are into stoppage time and still no goals despite the unceasing efforts. it is a dead lock? and it is .

First Half of Final' 06

it took just seven minutes after the whistle had blown for the World Cup final to begin, for france to earn a penalty kick. once again, ZZ took the opportunity to chip the ball into the goal after deftly deceiving the goalkeeper, Baffoon. Not long after, just about 10 minuters later, Italy with the help of M, headed in a corner kick. nicely, equailizing for the italians against the already complacent french team.

though, i am supporting france, it apparently is a good thing because the game picked up pace again. the battle continues. and the mouth-awing game continues to give us heart-stopping moments. the italians look fabulous on set pieces. creating for themselves at least two opportunities to score again the way they equalized by the 36 minutes. fantastic dribbling and fast speed alows fantastic football.

terrific defending by thuram keep sthe italians dreams out. the game is not yet sealed. stoppage time of two minutes does not lead to any goals. and the first forty-five inutes ends the exciting game!

recollecting 7th July. last year about this time...

last year, 7th July, it was after the annoucement in singapore that the next olympics will be held in london... whilst i was enjoying the last moments of life with singapore with my sister (before she headed to london and i to another world)... that terrorism shook the underground stations and bust routes of london.

the joy of winning the bid to host the olympics quickly turn into the gory of bloodshed and the reality of horrors. it may not have the quick jerk that bolted us when the twin towers crashed on our tv screens neither the devastating, unimaginable human toll... but it was the feeling of death that was imbibed on that earthly afternoon in london that was transmitted through BBC and CNN.

one year on and here we are, still living, still combating the jihadist that sneak around us. vigilently and diligently, combing the nooks and corners that they crawl into. with the question: what next?

no, it is not a bad dream. it is life.

one night. i sat down to consider it all...

when you are alone.. the human reaction of being seperated from everything safe. "life, liberty and property" or "the pursuit of happiness" is more than a political acheivement. property refers to the feeling of security from losing everything. i wonder if the meaning of this translates into a personal frame as well. don't you want to be free from worrying that times change and that lonliness will one day be yours? don't you want to be free from the blues of life? do you not want to know the escape of life?

everything changes. someone said "change is the only constant" and yet going through drastic changes and even bigger ones, i never learn to distant myself from the things that ocme my way. i forget to keep my heart in it's place. instead i lend it to everything or should i say give it to all that comes. and then when the wind blows me... my hands are left stretching for the strings that i have attached.

why haven't i learned in these 18 years of life, that times comes and goes. and the ticking clock suggest destiny? looking up to the majestic sky and into the deep sea where all i see is the horizon that my eyes can take in. i understand my finite being.

the enlightment has come and gone. and i wondered if men dream up a dream to hold on to themselves. relatively, we may have a scientific understanding of the earth around us but what about life itself? science has its bearing but it does not stop at that. i would be devastated to find the truth just scientific. because i am not just scientific, i am human being. i have a consiecnce, a reactionary process... i am not a beast or another creation. yes, i am that overbearing creature that belongs to the race that has played everything into her own hand. But life?

the inner emotions. the one that lies on the bed every night. the one alone in the night looking at the solitiary moon sitting in place amidst the stars.

i am one in society, the individual seeking "life, liberty and property". and after everything empirical, i cannot spy it out.

It's my Life!!!!

there come a time in life where we seek to know that we are, who we are. it is all in time to come that things will be fulfilled. the time constrainment of the world that we live in is digging my grave. i realized that in the end, it is not about building a tower or claiming the fortress, ultimately what remains in question at the end of life is have we fulfilled life's meaning.

i do not claim to know the full true to life nor the ans to questions. God does. i can only go where the light has shown. so stop hitting me like i am a beast, stop shoving what u believe down my throat. when everyone swashes me from different poles, i have no where to live. i plead to God, "what do these ppl want from me?!"

the tide and belows of the waves wash over my head. i gasped for air. people mock me for what i believe in and others for what i do not believe in. i m not a following. i m just growing up and trying to find my footing and where God engraves, there i m convicted.

stop the politics!!! stop the shouting. i live in a mad house. in a world where there are so many noises drowning me in an ocean that is so torrent and hungry, it seeks to swallow me, to send me to its depth. God save me!!!