my take...

today, i set down thinking about my life. what an obscure thing to do. think about my life. i mean basically i am short sighted and not ominpotent. but here i stood frail as i am trying to think about life, specifically mine.

so i will relate my findings. if any makes sense at all...

i realized that there is so much that i have tried to block out. the truth stings and yes, taunts hurt. when you hear them and keep hearing them and you cannot make them go away. so you try to push them away, the more you push it to the back the more they etched in your heart. like your hand pressing on a sore spot, deeper and deeper. they seemingly get quieter towards the outside. things that will never come out no matter how much you want to get it off your chest. no they are buried deeper than the carcass. sitting there underneath the earth, alive but buried. yea, buried alive. they don't sting all the time but their ghost comes out. the stench worst then a carcass at times to haunt you.

come to think of it, i was always one step behind. too slow to get to the real hting. always the loser. bloody loser. sitting htere waiting for the time and chance to come. and worst, grabbing at the wrong thing. it is exactly how i take the escalator or join the queue. i always tell myself to let everyone go first. what was the point of joining the bustle, getting push and shove. i waited till everyone was gone and then i grabbed at it. one step to slow again. what a loser!!

i could have been part of everything but no i had to be slow, what a coward! was i afraid, if so what was i afraid of?

now the taunts come back to me and at that point in time i could push it back. it gave me energy to focus on the things i wanted, diverting the force. but the tremors, it is still here. just like you can change and divert hte energy but you cannot destroy it. it is no more kinetic energy the moving force that propels me, it is potential, buried in the substance and i cannot get rid of it sometimes it comes out as kinectic and then the dragon goes back to sleep. deadly, who knows fatal. when will the hour come?

i could have been part of everything, leading the pack of wolves, the master schemer, i had everything it took, but i always missed it. loner shacklers. no mud to fill my place. cause even the mud cease to be associated with me. even the mud knew that i all i did was stupid choices.

or was it all a bunch of foolish calculations. mistake after mistake. you know, there is no real way to calculate is there. out of it, there are somethings i don't regret about. so many things in life happen and out of it all providence. you will never have some part without the other. and would you exchange it. it is hard to say. maybe you would know at hte end of your life. so why sit here and try to view life already. something profunctry, seeing that hte equation, the path has not ended. 18 years, is it a beginning, it seems long and tomenting and think of eternity... it could be a dread or marvel and both are just words to fill a space. cause really they can harly be describe. can they?

and yes it struck me about that poem by Frost, The Road Not Taken.

It suddenly rings into my head and i presume i understand the poet.

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

we can only have one life, only one destiny, only one chance...

Then took the other, just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

we always want to be special, to miss the crowd, and sometimes to evade the glaring mistakes and sometimes to be ourselves and sometimes we just want to be different. but really life is life. we are not the only ones that had want it. and maybe, if it be so in our life time, time and outcomes, pales us into insignificance. the world and spectrum is so big for the puny being. he hardly realizes his own desires are but emulations.there is nothing new, no new inventions, no new dreams. they have long been...

Oh, I marked the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back.

we only have one story and sometimes, what is the point of looking back. some mistakes can never be corrected. maybe it is better that way. less complicated. do u not think so? what if the short sighted and nervous freaks we are, fickled desicions.. no end to the chess game is there... erm...

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

with a sigh, no fully of regret, it is a mixture of the realization that it is all contempt and wonder. that at one point we thought that that is THE thing. but alas, you fool, 1000s had gone beforw and will come after... sigh... what is it. we thought that at one instant it is a defining moment and yes there are defining moments. but life is also a journey made out of some defining episodes and some comparatively, we think, insignificant pieces. nay but hey are its, Life's, composite, genetic make up. one without the other is not it. and what has the difference come up to. i hardly say the tone is resign or happy... it is more of mellow and content. content with being at peace internally. like an old man telling this to a young jumpy. the difference... is barely a differnce. we all come back to the road and stare at it. form the other way up...

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

we had looked at it before. how was the walk? but anyhow would we know the difference? maybe when we meet again. just remember to blog about it.