Just another...

See the promblem is this. Sometimes you just cannot understand what I mean. Because it is me. Then at the same time I really wish some one could but then we are different. So I could not cleep tonight there is another night. And I am trying to go through it. Why I get frustrated and bothered at all. It is of wonder even to me. Today or rather the night before. I really felt like smashing it. So many preoccupations I felt the encumberance so that I felt it was no use. This morning, it helps to loose th etension and I am sitting at this compute bitter that I could not understand nor communicate yester night. What i was about. I just wish I knew. Today, is an other day but they same questions and delimas puzzule me. I am just happy to accoplish whatever yester had so today maybe the load is lighter.

Why you cna't talk to people. they think you anything but as you think yourselve. So it is safer not to. The good is temporary so must be the bad and time is infinity. How encouraging! There is nodbody to talk to because God would have it that I trust in Him. One can be so easily side tracked.

I love you. Really do. I never say what I don't mean how could I properly figure out this game. Please don't paly casue I am really not playing. When you are frighten, it is easy to be overcome, so that is what I am. I feel terrified at mere prospects. How many people take its path but I was trying to evade it.

Accomplishing somewhat is so in the middle, Should I rejoice too early?

Portions of the Journal

The caged metal machinary was moving. Moving away after a brief pause. The people below was chanting to the rhythm of capitalism. Tea? Coffee? Water? Then the train picked up speed and faster and faster. There was no turning back. Their faces and voices... the tea boy and the flower girl.. their faces drifted out of sight.

Barely a road and the vehicle jerked every second as it made its way up. Up and heaven ward as the cold air seeped through the cracks of that old toyota. It was the only vehicle tolerated for our journey. We were nearer to the clouds and below us those steep valleys so purely green, carved into terraces. The dew dropped and we flew midst the mist. They were hititng the rocks and going at it again and again- almost never ceasing- to built a border that would give space for a barely tangible road. In the cold air they toiled for heat. We stelthly crept up behind.

The car slided along the highway. The seat was almost pushed back and the sky was hot and overcast. It was fast, a slideshow. Pass those palm plantations and coconuts tress lined the fields. All neat and systematic. In them, it was dark and hidden. Shadows prevented my straying eyes. We moved on through the scenes. In and out of zones of rain and sunshine. The road pelted us to destination.

Behind the blinds

Today, I feel like rhyming. I can write and I am inspired but it is not coherent. Now it is a good song. Not ever thing is good.
My friend, somedays I wonder how do you see something in the scope of time when you do not have the sight.
I just trugging through the dense folliage.
The bright side of life, is there is faith and promises and life is not over, it is just beginning.
If you know what it has taken to write this... you will appreciate it...
HG

India (Trains of people)

I remenber trying to communicate with this girl in India. She was from Gujarat- the home state of Gandhi- and she could not speak English at all, hardly even able to understand the language. She look somewhat younger than me, she was a helper in the house, cleaning the house, serving the guest, of which I was one, and washing up after that. And so when I asked her questions or tried to it was met by a polite smile and giggles. Finally, I thought of a way to ask her age. So I pointed to myself and that started using my fingers to communicate my age.. one, two, three.... eighteen. And then I pointed at her and said one, two three, we counted togehter to sixteen fingers.. It was really an interesting little experiance. It felt nice to be able to bond and communicate with this person , her face full of cheer. I mean I could see all the loneliness and problems of her job and yet here was this person teaching me about cheer, briming with fun in her face while I was depilated with the fatigue of journey.
There was on the train, this army colnel, yes the indian army... He had a stern look and he was poised and when he did his meals there was something meticulous and strong gracefulness to which he peeled those onions and added the spices. I was just looking at him and thinking he must be quite a dignified person and then later I found out he was from the army. So he was talking about politics and India, quite interesting conversation.
Then I think this guy was a Gurkha, he was sitting on the top bunk and there was something very sullen and strict about him sitting on the top bunk. He held his poise and composure not getting bored or ruffled by the boredom and dreary journey. When he came out of his position or bought a tea, I was just fascinated becasue he wouldn't move for hours. And yet his eyes revolve around the train like somebody well trained and comtemplating, suspicious for the first sign of trouble nad yet so calm.
Train talks are fun! Here and there were interesting ones...

India

So, about India. There were so many funny things. It made traveling less hetic more fun. Once when we were qqueeze in the small taxi and the heat and fatigue of the journey was overpowering us we stop next to a police vehicle. And then, near the petrol guzzule hole there was a picture of a boy urinating against the wall... Corrupted police Conversations with people on the train in places. Traveling can be fun and really interesting!
Anyhow, I was just thinking it is quite impossible to pen down alot of this simply becasue these memories are part of a puzzule. The sights and smells of India are very hard to draw. Just memories.
But somehow, I think going there taught me how interesting life can be and also not to complain. Thats why I enjoyed it!!