The End to All Over Again

Restrain- hard to feel
in my anger
Disproportionately rush to my head
blood trottles in hunger

Feel the sweat
Life has it's own way
of putting the brake
so a moment seems bigger than a day

Like colours scrawled before mine eyes
Valleys and hills trailing the path
Shades of green lingering all over
My heart skips a beat to laugh

Yes a dry long laugh
That creeps and echos through the system
So intense and scattered,
I know not what to make of this interim

It is all very mixed up-
like there has to be a jewel
amidst all the leaves strewn over
There's never irony more cruel

I pound my head over
and over; somewhere there
I suppose am to find the
answer of why anger I bare

The feelings well like water
gushing over my soul- forbidden-
illustration or words
could find the jewel hidden

Now, if I were to find it
a beetle so small and tiny- this jewel-hidden-under
I light a match
And throw it in the fire.

Need an end to a story
It's what killed the heroine
or maybe even the happily ever after
Just walk away and throw it in the dustbin

Pressure (cont)

well actually, i have more to say about stress. now that is me being irritating. no its not i just enjoying being who i am that is to say irritating. what disturbs others only makes me omre interested. it is called reaction to human action (RHA). as esther likes to say i am annoying. and as i like to say she is insolent.

She is.

Anyhow, this stress thing is not about her. It is about her and us. Actually esther is one person that prefers to sloth. She is stressed by insolence. Kind of why I love to stress her out. Cause i am a cause to a cause. Ultimately, she stresses herself out!

I am talking about stress that my sister is going through. She is stress because it concerns her future. When you feel the weight of your world on your tiny frames of shoulder blade. I know that feeling. I use to think that if i don't do well, everything is going to crush. Not just failing others but yourself. It is scary. Now there is adrenaline which keeps pushing you. And more adrenaline!!! The no return scenerio. A chance lost now is lost forever.

Why does society do it? Are we using such scenerios to get those who are really good at what they do or those who can handle the stress?

The module of such a system, what is it base on? You get the logic you can work them out. cause if not it is them controlling you.

Much of this system rotates on fear I think. The human mind is trained to react to fear, to resolve in preventive measures. Some people are stressed by some things others by other things. Do you do better at the things you fear?

Pressure

I was just telling someone how stress can be good. In a way, we can enjoy stress.

But htere is one kind of pressure that I CANNOT ENJOY!!!

Admittedly, I am quite paranoid about a lot of things sometimes. Even reading books can become a sort of deep affliction. Being drighten to a unrealistic point can be cause dbut a lot of things, I don't know what causes mine. It can also turn to become a lot of stress hwich forces me to do things otherwise I may be lax about.

Pressure of being around people, society is something I am trying to get use to. I think it is important to be rid of this form of retardament. But what really confuses me is when the oppression comes from people within. Around me. People who I am acquainted with on a daily basis. And they don't seem to let go! I need to get away form them, they add to this paranoia and stress becaus ethey are unreasonably poking in, stroking the fire unknowingly. Why do I not face them in the face? Because I think they are causing other stress. It will be good for me to get rid of all the others before I come to them. I need the space and the time.

Past and Future-- tense

The pespective is present but we are always thinking about before or afterward. Mostly it is true. There are times I satisfy the current. Like eating, drinking and sleeping.

Actually, it is just a thought passing by and I thought it was interesting to put down. For me, I feel that why I can't ever really enjoy, is because I think too much about the future and even the present sometimes i don't dare to give it a paranomic perspective. Like lets say now. I fel sacred cause I am afraid of the future. If I were to sit down now, it may be wondrous to thing that all that has happen... Everything good and bad. Maybe that is what faith is all about. Just occured to me.

There was also the other conversation where I said why do some people have the ability to work some kind of job that does not matter to them except for a livelihood. Wwell of course there is that need for survival which is such a core issue to life. What about all the people who come here from other countries to work in menial jobs. Some of them are people who are smart, have an education, maybe they are more intelligent than you or I. It is incredible. Wwhen we talk about meritocracy? I don't know. Anyhow another of those passerby thoughts, eh.

WORKING

I don't work and have never worked, which dosqualifies me from writing this. No it dosen't!!

Was talking with some people about working and the question was posed: do I like to work?

I think if there was a reason I liked to work it would be to earn money of my own, that will lift my confidence and spirit, no doubt. Another thing though is I have to get a job that means something to me. Everybody likes that! Well, but some people can go without it, I can't. I will be yawning before lunch and it could turn out to be not a confidence booster. I have to be passionate about something. But like what one of my friends said, it is a practical thing for people to earn to get a living no matter what job. So what about this people who do jobs that does not mean something to them? Well, I think we can look at this a few ways. Firstly, it does mean something to them: it means money. And for them that is the only thing that concern them, survival is the idea. So this ability to work on things that don't mean something to you is it genetic or upbringing. Seriously, someone almost look as if she got racist over it, though yet maybe she was right but the expression came out wrong. Genes or Environment? I just wonder...

Update

I am updating on my whereabouts. What have I been doing is such a constant refrain in talking to anybody- from my parents to people I talk to on blue moons. I think this will serve to answer your queries and curiosity why I have not been up to anyhting according to you.
There is no angst to this.
I have been reading and musing on things I do not understand trying to acquescience ideas that I hear of but never solemly try to apprehend or formulate for myself. Now I am doing that. And I suppose for greater readership, it has been a very long and tedious process. It is not however boring or a great waste of time because it has serve my own mental sate of mind in easing queriries and polishing my education of the brain.
In between, this writng and reading process, I find myself in need of playing. So I have been playing soccer, rugby and running- working on both my stamina and speed. After returning from the Philippines having spend three weeks there, I am not trying to get back the energy I need. Again for wider readership, I suffer from great losses of bouts of energy which is very hard to reatin to whenever I put myself at strain or where my body strains itself mentally or physically. Playing with friends or strangers. Or sometimes running by myself.
After which I spend a great time loitering, considering that it is a past time I would never possess again. Traveling is included incessantly in loitered time. Soon I will be making a pilgrimage to Incredible India! Where for the first time, I will be flank by both thawing prosperity and roaring poverty in Mumbai and Bangalore who knows in Gujarat as well. They would however not affect to much as I am now reading the denounciation of the Poor laws written by Malthus in the theory of population. And I would understand the practical problems of population that has enchanted poor Malthus to toil in suh a futile endeavour of explaining this things to us only to find years later his theories being overthrown. Nevertheless, the many concerns he has is almost realistic and his theories are terribly sensible right now. In the course of which, I have been baffled time and again by how he could be wrong. Maybe he failed to have seen the whole truth.
So now, that I have explained it all. I am intending to meet some friends in this coming week. And be more energetic!!!

i have thoughts i don't describe, things i have not siad. if i die now i worry what would become of them. and p eople i have not talk to for a long time. are they even real. i sleep and tomorrow may come but who knows what the morrow brings so subtle. if i was even ther. i thought friends and yet sof ar from me. what a pity science could not overcomeance and i could not overcome this parts. i was so far thinking of coming back and so far it just seem enormous