i could use a wish right now

is stress due to faithlessness?

it is my worst nemesis. i fear it now more than ever because it is always around. i feel it is awaiting its opportunity and that it takes advantage every time, every little chance it can snatch. it starts with fear and it lives in depression or frustration.

all this because of unbelief.

where is hope?

The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread tot he wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding , nor yet favour to men of skill: but time and chance happeneth to them all.

I don't know what is going to happen, we are going into the finals of the World Cup 2010, I am sitting here wondering of myself...

As thou knowest not what is the way of the Spirit nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all.

Sometimes, it all comes to a point where,

I praised the dead which are already dead more than the living which are yet alive. Yea, better is he than both they, which have not yet been , who hath not seen the evil work that is done under the sun

And when better hours smile upon me,

There is nothing better for a man, than that he should eat and drink, and that he should make his soul enjoy good in his labour. This also I saw, that it was a from the hand of God.

Until I brought back to reality when I look in the shadow of life

Truly the light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun: But if a man live many years, and rejoice in them all; yet let him remember the days of darkness ; for they shall be many. All that cometh is vanity.

Where do I go from here,

Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, where thou makest thy flock to rest at noon: for why should I be as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy companions

My silence

Have you been in a situation where you wish there was a way to shut everybody and anybody out? It is so noisy. Noise from everything but especially from people. People talking, the words, the giggles and then the questions that patiently sit in the air waiting for your answer. Why, why, why! Do I have to answer them!
SHHHHHHHHHHHHH... if only you were so quiet, the wind would blow and we would feel the air moving passing from one body to another and then we would communicate in the silence. Sometimes, I have regretted being so silent. But my air has run out and you trying to blow on me is not working; it just makes me drier. Those meaningless questions and words they do not fit into the silence but they feed the silence, they mount my resent for meaningless words.
I am quiet for I find no words, I am clouded with feelings and cannot stream them into a sentence. Instead they bounce around in my heads. And when all those people talk it is words bouncing around me. I feel compressed within and without.
I see people moving in a circle, they can call it the cycle of life but all I see is the cycle of death. And we fill the spaces with words. Why! Can we touch without talking? Those meaningless words and sentences and conversations, they take away the minimal air left.
It is probably mine own feelings crowding your conversation with silence. Make some noise! I have invented the latest answer to your game it does not need a syllable.
Do you wish you were never here? Well, me too.

a word

Dear World,

I am back from the dead but just for a while to write this. I have gone because gone is a word when you are in the state I am. This appearance is just to grace the World Cup. Nothing more. I spend the Days to wonder where life is actually heading and the Nights taking dreams away with me thru the WC. Nice WC though, at least the group stages. How does one juggle the world on their feet, round and bouncy with those awkward and unskilled feet wrapped in plastic, tight and manicured plastic boots? I sit and wonder, cheer and laughter engulfing my wonderment.
I have to be going to start a new but what happens when you start to wonder if the new day is for you. When you are not accustom to the light anymore. You fear. Tremble within your soul because you lost the courage to dream for yourself, let alone all the noble thoughts for the others of your kind. I have to start with the unknown, an examination. I do not have time to study so I have to cramp it in. I think I cannot make it. And after, if I do, I have two more. And if I do, I have to now face the light.
I was sleeping to recover from the fatigue, fatigue of mind and body and heart. I dared not to awake. What awaits my awakement. It says in ecclesiastes that "in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow". I have increase to know that I cannot be what I want to be. I do not have the aptitude or capacity. Today I live for tomorrow I die.
When I awoke, it was to a startling phrase left in the humidity and heat of the air. Alone there, I heard it ringing through my ears but as I stumbled out of my sleep, I was blur. At first I heard it, "God had not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of a sound mind" and then I wondered if I had mixed the words up maybe it was not "power" but "love" so it sounded like, "God had not given us the spirit of fear but of love and of a sound mind". I thought again that if it was truly true it would not have been so foggy. I wondered if God is here, now. Then it came to me one sentence, "God had not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." When it came, sleep left me. He went away in the moment, he is away at the moment, I had the courage enough to wash my face. Then I wondered if, I had perhaps taken it but it did not belong to me. I look the concordance to find it and found it hidden in 2 Timothy 1:7. Can it belong? Can I own it, even just for that second? I cannot own faith.
But if providence would give just a lease of that minute of that sentence. I'll take it. Till I die again.

For now, HOG

I AM THE WORLD

I AM THE WORLD

I, I AM THE WORLD
I, I AM THE SMELL OF THE EARTH AFTER THE RAIN
I, I AM THE ECHO OF A WATERFALL
I, I AM SUNLIGHT IN THE EYES
I, I AM COLD WATER IN THE MOUTH
I, I AM THE SMILE OF THE FACE
I, I AM THE SOFTNESS OF THE BED
I, I AM THE LATENESS OF THE NIGHT
I, I AM THE VASTNESS OF THE SKY
I, I AM THE WORLD

AND, WHO ARE YOU?

YOU, YOU ARE THE NEIGHBOUR’S RADIO
YOU, YOU ARE THE WALL, THE FLOOR, THE ROOF
YOU, YOU ARE DREAD, AND FEAR, AND HOPELESSNESS
YOU, YOU ARE ALL THE WORDS I CANNOT READ
YOU, YOU ARE THE MUMMIFIED PHAROAH
YOU, YOU ARE THE FRAME OF THE PICTURE
YOU, YOU ARE THE TICKING OF THE CLOCK
YOU, YOU ARE THE RINGING OF THE PHONE
YOU, YOU ARE THE DATE

YOU, YOU ARE WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE
BUT YOU, YOU ARE PART OF MY WORLD
YOU, YOU ARE NOT THE WORLD

No, the “you” here do not refer to you.
It was hard writing this poem. I wanted to make in general, that is, for everybody to read and feel and be able to own it. But like all poems, it is also the author’s, that is, mine. How do I describe “I”? To me nature is the perfect picture for myself. Nature belongs in this world just like mortar and bricks do not. Nature is not perfect and not without quibbles but it belongs. The world would not be better in one way or the other without it. At the same time it was nature of me to use the little ticks in our daily urban living to describe the “you”. I realized though that my reader may have a different description of themselves and of the “you”. For instance, another may like to say “I, I AM THE M&Ms MELTING ON THE TONGUE” or “YOU, YOU ARE CHILLI UP THE NOSE”.
The idea of writing this poem was not so much to arrogantly trot around saying I, I AM THE WORLD (as tempting as that might be). I wrote this poem because I was inspired through all the injustice and oppression in the world. Once, I had a teacher who told me after looking at some poems I wrote that I shouldn’t just be writing sad poems. I couldn’t reply because I wondered how this teacher could not see all the sadness around. Yes, there are a lot of beautiful things in life and more specifically, in each of our lives. But the copious tragedies of life are sometimes so much less expressive then the pleasantries in life. And poems, poems have a way with the things we cannot express. The words we cannot form, the pictures we cannot draw and the pain we cannot share. I am not a poet, I just poet because I need to vent. Today, though, I write a happy verse. Because, today, I am not telling a story, I am being in that story.
This poem is for all the times injustice and oppression has been triumphant, for all the times the powers of the institution trump the fragile, defenseless individual; the poor and the orphans, those whom the law cannot protect and those who are stuck in a unforgiving, unkind and cruel system.
I reckon this is not just my words. This is probably yours. Somewhere in your life, maybe you wish you could have said something to the oppressor. But you could not. Injustice and oppression will always be part of our world but we do not have to let it be our world. We cannot let ourselves be numb to it.
I hope the reader will enjoy reading is. I dare you to tell it to the world, to stand above and say I, I AM THE WORLD. And pass it along.

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Nameless Poem

On the earth I walk

Of martyrs’ blood dry

Sunken into silence

In colosseum grand

And Regal; among ancient

Stature. There lions ravage

The undefended and

Gladiators played for

Freedom. One day will

I play for my;

Be left ravaged

After amuse I thee.

No night there

To rest; No day, to

Wake. Fear clutters

The sleepless and

Passion the faithful.

Be of good cheer

For tomorrow brings

Paradise or death

Tomorrow, against enemy

I stand—the lion and me

His to win; mine to lose

His fodder my life.

God inspired me

Thereafter life respired

Will he perform;

The enemy will eat,

Curse and play

Rejoice and be no more.

For which I love, give

For which I hope, believe

In turn to lose

For amusment

Per chance, for faith

Fergie- my favourite player in Manchester United

The one who plays all the players. Lets play!

Paradise Lost

With loss of Eden, till one greater Man
Restore us, and regain the blissful seat,
Sing heavenly Muse! that on the secret top
Of Oreb, or of Sinai, didst inspire
That Shepherd, who first  taught the chosen seed,
In the beginning how the heavens and earth
Rose out of Chaos. Or if Sion Hill
Delight thee more, and Siloa's brook that flowed
Fast by the oracle of God, I thence
Invoke thy aid to my adventurous song,
That with no middle flight intends to soar
Above the Aonian mount, while it pursues
Things unattempted yet in prose or rhyme
And cheifly thou, O Spirit! that dost prefer
Before all temples the upright heart and pure,
Instruct me, for Thou knowest; Thou from the first
Wast present, and with mighty wings outspread,
Dove-like sat'st brooding on the vast abyss,
And madest it pregnan; what in me is dark
Illumine! what is low raise and support!
 That to the height of this great argument
I may assert eternal Providence,
And justify the ways of God to Men

Tape on my mouth

It is hard not to write when you feel strongly about something.

It is hard when you cannot be heard.

I cannot write because of fear.

It is frustrating. And yet frustration can boil over to terpidity.

I cannot write because I choose not to write.

I follow the path of inaction and ambiguity.

I cannot write because the message would cover my face with retribution

Sometimes I dream fear and I see fear

I cannot write because the words would be more than my own. It will own others.

I fear the fear of others. I fear for them.

I cannot write because I let the words go into a drain.

Tomorrow when you pick the empty newspaper

You will know why I cannot write again.

And I will be lying there a beggar begging you for my words.


When I was younger, I remember tape on my mouth

I remember a long silence of solemness

It creep in slowly like a bird-

wings masterly fluttering- across the silent ocean

First, I could not hear the words in my buzz and my skip

Then the words took shape of sound and pictures

Some real, some not so;

some close, some not so;

some love, some not so



I taped my own mouth.

They will hang a string

They will leave the room

You will be alone

I taped my own mouth.

Simon Cowell- BBC interview

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/newsnight/8413007.stm

I thought Simon Cowell's interview was interesting. It is quite a philosophical take and answer to the questions and reactions amongst the public and media. Yet I think his opinions are quite rational and calculating- a good insight into the person too. It also helps to explain his view and motives. I also enjoyed the interviewer's questions. I thought they were quite well thought out and phrased.

Maybe, I'll write more next time. For now, enjoy the clip off BBC!

P.S. BBC should give better coverage of the Iranian demostrations. I think it is a blatant reproach to those students who have risked their lives!

1989, 4th June

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40bI6wzCTck

Some rights are not given by governments or laws, they are not protected by armies or constitutions, they are not right or wrong. They are just ours.

Liberty is such.

My reply to Paul Kagame

I was reading an article written by Paul Kagame, President of Rwanda. Rwanda, we remember, as the country in which genocide was committed not too long ago spurring deep reflection from the international committee, in general, and leading world powers, in particular, to reconsider theri ways. It was also the inspiration for many films in media culture such as Hotel Rwanda and Shooting Dogs. Rwanda, today, while still trying to shake off such a gory, bloody image, has developed itself into a "success story- one that many nations in the dark continent of Africa will seek to emulate and be inspired by.

Paul Kagame's essay was on why Africa is welcoming investment from China. It is no new thing that China has sought to expand its influence (however, you want to see it) into different regions in the world. But as Mr Kagame himself pointed out, China's expansion into this part of the world in particular has raised many a question and many a suspicion and that for many a reason. He explains two objections to China's to economic engagement in Africa. Firstly, many opponents feel that this would be "exploitative and undermines the development of democracy and human rights". The other reason is that some feel China is taking over the hold that the West once had on African resources. Kagame feels that this does not tackle the issue as it should. And that, also for two reasons: currently, Africans are not treated as equal partners in economic relations so far and to add to that, African leaders have not played their part in pushing for fair engagement.

With respect to the objections raise, the first objection is valid just as the second is not. The only one entitled to African resources are Africans. This is a matter of sovereignty and ownership. However, I disagree with Mr Kagame as I feel that the first objection raised should be considered fairly. China has not have a good human rights record. Only recently has she started to prosper and clean up her act internationally. As Mr Kagame suggests, Africa needs to be engaged fairly. And African leaders have shown little ability to act fairly on her behalf. Most of them, besides the few good, have acted on self interest and tribal interest. Africa is still riddled not just with problems but with corrupted leaders. While some may argue that the West may have not acted responsibly, as shown by history, towards Africa - exploiting them for their goods and their people - it has over recent years been kept accountable for more and more of its actions. America has poured in billions to Africa that goes more than investing but to aid its feeblest citizens. I am not propagating that aid be a substitute for investment. Of course, it should never be. However, I think that unlike its relations with the West which comes under the microscope of western media, the public and the international community at large, its relations with China is often quiet. Not only does China need scrutiny and to be kept accountable for its actions but so does African leaders. It is hard for Africans to hold their leaders accountable, so the international community should assist.

It would be blind for Mr Kagame to suggest that majority of African nations and their citizens are up to the task of handling human rights and democracy. While they are entitled to liberty ad justice, they are still fighting to achieve it and they need all the help they can get. There is no environment yet in most of Africa for liberty and justice. Many are still waiting for hand outs from western governments and many leaders are still manipulating their country's resources. Kagame suggests that Africans want self-determination and dignity by having jobs and opportunities. I agree that in order to have dignity and stand on its own two feet Africa needs jobs and opportunities. Above all, ordinary Africans need badly to learn that dignity and self determination is important. As yet, many have shown little appreciation of that. And when anything goes wrong, Western governments are petitioned to intervene and the West in general is blindly blamed. Mr Kagame of all people should realize that. Rwanda seems to be doing slightly better once and then it skydived into genocide. Basically, this is because the old mentality had not been routed. Whatever prosperity gained was lost when tribal hatred and ethnic problems prove only solvable through genocide, bloodshed and tribal antics.

Africa needs a culture of democracy and human rights to sustain any material benefits it reaps. It needs development to sustain its investment not as Mr Kagame suggests "investment to sustain development". It needs a mentality among its people and a political culture that instills values of democracy. It also needs reliable institutions to keep its governments accountable. Until then, Africa is a fledging continent. It should be careful of strangers who have little credentials.

Kingdom of Heaven

as the title reads, so i write about. this was the second time i watched the movie but only today did i enjoy it. i thought it was an interesting take on the city of Jerusalem and its long bloody history. it will be hard to ignore that the movie did come with a political and philosophical slant. i think that at the end the director of the picture wanted to show that the religious aura that Jerusalem still carries with it is so contrary to all the animosity it leads to. his solution is peace by realizing that religion is within the heart. i suppose that if everybody could be as the main character in the movie, the conflict would have been solved long time ago. the director presents the conflict as a conflict driven by raw hatred, blind religious fervour led by extremist with a passion for blood.

to a certain extent, i can see his point of view. it is true that often men driven by religiosity find a need to shed blood. religion dost caused blood. but by villaining this men, he cast them into a certain figurine and cartoonish character. instead, it is of my opinion, that he should tried to figure out why were this men so driven by their religion. what was it that cause them to be so stedfast (if i may, for a lack of words)? i think a good beginning would be when the main character decides to follow his father to Jerusalem in search for forgiveness. by simplifying the characters in the plot to evil and good, the director subtracts from the plot the intriguing convergence of 3 major religions in Jerusalem and the dynamics that has ensued and survived years and years and years. in the silence of God, Ballian finds his forgiveness in simply doing good and following his conscience. his conscience leads him to sleep with another man's wife while at the same time refusing to marry her and consign her evil husband to death. if he could have save Jerusalem by marrying her, why did he have to waste life and blood? conscience or political miscalculation? the director leads Ballian the character to a religion that simplifies life as something within the heart- the heart that breaks when his first wife dies. maybe Ballian dost grow up a little coming to Jerusalem by the answers to life are far from over in the face of death and other challengers.

it was good food for thought at how we look philosophically and politically at diplomacy, foreign policy and some of the problems in this century. lessons from history and lessons from the movie theater can be very interesting and insightful at the same time.

It's me again

It's cold here
Under the sun
The leaves wither
And soon the-
Branches break up
Nothing is left
But dead trunks

Music goes off
Long before I-
Fall into sleep
The dream turns
Me over again
I wake up
And it's night

I want sleep
Away from dreams
Into cracks of
Time; no more
Silhouettes- darkness awaits
As empty shells
they'll open windows
to silent room

Blue (Da ba dee)

What an exhausting week! It started off rainy and cold and ended in a blast of sunshine. There are so many little things that make up the weeks as they go by and draw to a close. It it those little things that make or break the week. Anyway, interesting facts too that I pick up here and there.

I have been thinking of going camera plotting again. I don't know why: because I feel bored or just sentimental. But anyway, the idea is to describe something. I feel sick and tired of watching movies and reading the news though never tired of football. Man Utd made it through though it was a harrowing win by a goal against Porto who had never lost to an English side on home soil before. Chelsea-Liverpool match was the big game. Stole the show, I admit. It was a goal fest. One after another, intense right to the end. So I am predicting a Man Utd vs Chelsea final again.

Springs mild descend

It's stealthy and quiet
But it could not be more timely
As it burst through the roots
And from the heavens
Grips you at the toes
And lifts your head upwards
There, where the streams gently flow
Birds chirp, Flowers bud, Leaves sprinkle branches
I love the smell, the rain drops
The anxiety, and yet quiet confidence
Coupled with impatience and laziness
The days get brighter and longer
They find their meaning
Night holds no one refugee
And I breathe the careless spring!

Feb has 28 days! What!

One more post, before the end of Feb '09. It is quite incredible the speed at which whizz pass us. It was but a glimpse of yesterday. I enjoy the fickled weather. It is unpredictable nature has caught me off guard. Just when I was enjoying the azure blue sky and sun rays singing through the heavens, the clouds moved in and the temperature fell. The other day it rained. I went to walk not on the grass but in the carpark. The sand cracking under my shoes. The rain first hit my hair and skin, soon it drenched through the scalp of my head and I felt as if it had over taken me. Every part of the body melted into the rain. It was joyous!
I'm quite glad Slumdog Millionaire won. I mean I think the Acadamy recognize the times and how appropraite it would be. But from what I here it is the way the story is told that makes it an inspiration and captures the imagination of others.
Of course, there was Manchester United playing Inter Milan. Cannot, cannot wait till we beat them the next round at home in Old Trafford! God, please let them put on spectecular display for us!
Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal both took off with a goal. Nice start, I say, for an all english ending. Ha!!!!

sleepless night

can't sleep. good or bad? eating. yea, i suddenly have a bloody good appetite!!

i have a friend who blogs really well, for random bloggers looking for random reads, this is highly recommended:

http://elizabethjoymiller.blogspot.com

i keep thinking. i think that i won't stop thinking. think think tinker sign

tonight, or rather this beautiful morning, i will be totally dead in class becaue i can't study and can't read and can't sleep. i am a wanderer in my head. little wanderings, here and there. until the morning rays blink hysterically through my blinds, then it will be gone all the uncertainties and i will be there- dead in the real world. i am not going to be able to talk in class. what is worse, i have homework to do and i actually can't do it when i drastically need to do it its a major components of grades. the problem is i have been trying. so i will keep trying

here is the good news. the world is going to flood. i mean rain cats and dogs. i want it to rain, rain, rain and pour upon our parched souls!

Steps

I feel happy. This week was busy. Sometimes tiring. But God made it good- mercies and joy were splashed on the paper.
I had two exams and my econ paper was badly written, my spanish exam was quite bad too. I felt like I could have panick. It isn't that it has gone out of mind, its just God helped me to get through it. There is no explanation for what I did right this time.
I realised that sometimes, you don't plan. Because you simply cannot. It is also worse when you fail. I don't mean not to have goals or determination. I think you just cannot expect it to happen like it should. You can plan to succeed, but you may not. You try, but it is not always to exaction. It happens that we succeed. And it happens that we don't.
So today, I thank God I am still alive.
Whatever happens, happens. I don't know what or how. Its hard to think of tomorrow, why go so far? It is easier to live one step at a time. When I lose control it is eaier to grapple with the moment and when I am dishearten, I know that joy comes in the morning. And if it dosen't then I 'll have to wait till it does. One morning.
I think what I would miss most is not lost opportunities per say. But momments and occassions. I am being vague because it is easier to be general. But I would say this especially with people. Music and poetry, running and basketball and football- rhythm. And with people its the same thing- rhythm. Expression and nerves.
So this week was good, thank God.

Snow prayer

Dear God,
Please make my heart, soul and mind white as snow. As the snow that falls from heaven so make my heart through the Blood of Thine Son, Jesus Christ, in Whose Name I pray, Amen.