The End to All Over Again

Restrain- hard to feel
in my anger
Disproportionately rush to my head
blood trottles in hunger

Feel the sweat
Life has it's own way
of putting the brake
so a moment seems bigger than a day

Like colours scrawled before mine eyes
Valleys and hills trailing the path
Shades of green lingering all over
My heart skips a beat to laugh

Yes a dry long laugh
That creeps and echos through the system
So intense and scattered,
I know not what to make of this interim

It is all very mixed up-
like there has to be a jewel
amidst all the leaves strewn over
There's never irony more cruel

I pound my head over
and over; somewhere there
I suppose am to find the
answer of why anger I bare

The feelings well like water
gushing over my soul- forbidden-
illustration or words
could find the jewel hidden

Now, if I were to find it
a beetle so small and tiny- this jewel-hidden-under
I light a match
And throw it in the fire.

Need an end to a story
It's what killed the heroine
or maybe even the happily ever after
Just walk away and throw it in the dustbin

Pressure (cont)

well actually, i have more to say about stress. now that is me being irritating. no its not i just enjoying being who i am that is to say irritating. what disturbs others only makes me omre interested. it is called reaction to human action (RHA). as esther likes to say i am annoying. and as i like to say she is insolent.

She is.

Anyhow, this stress thing is not about her. It is about her and us. Actually esther is one person that prefers to sloth. She is stressed by insolence. Kind of why I love to stress her out. Cause i am a cause to a cause. Ultimately, she stresses herself out!

I am talking about stress that my sister is going through. She is stress because it concerns her future. When you feel the weight of your world on your tiny frames of shoulder blade. I know that feeling. I use to think that if i don't do well, everything is going to crush. Not just failing others but yourself. It is scary. Now there is adrenaline which keeps pushing you. And more adrenaline!!! The no return scenerio. A chance lost now is lost forever.

Why does society do it? Are we using such scenerios to get those who are really good at what they do or those who can handle the stress?

The module of such a system, what is it base on? You get the logic you can work them out. cause if not it is them controlling you.

Much of this system rotates on fear I think. The human mind is trained to react to fear, to resolve in preventive measures. Some people are stressed by some things others by other things. Do you do better at the things you fear?

Pressure

I was just telling someone how stress can be good. In a way, we can enjoy stress.

But htere is one kind of pressure that I CANNOT ENJOY!!!

Admittedly, I am quite paranoid about a lot of things sometimes. Even reading books can become a sort of deep affliction. Being drighten to a unrealistic point can be cause dbut a lot of things, I don't know what causes mine. It can also turn to become a lot of stress hwich forces me to do things otherwise I may be lax about.

Pressure of being around people, society is something I am trying to get use to. I think it is important to be rid of this form of retardament. But what really confuses me is when the oppression comes from people within. Around me. People who I am acquainted with on a daily basis. And they don't seem to let go! I need to get away form them, they add to this paranoia and stress becaus ethey are unreasonably poking in, stroking the fire unknowingly. Why do I not face them in the face? Because I think they are causing other stress. It will be good for me to get rid of all the others before I come to them. I need the space and the time.

Past and Future-- tense

The pespective is present but we are always thinking about before or afterward. Mostly it is true. There are times I satisfy the current. Like eating, drinking and sleeping.

Actually, it is just a thought passing by and I thought it was interesting to put down. For me, I feel that why I can't ever really enjoy, is because I think too much about the future and even the present sometimes i don't dare to give it a paranomic perspective. Like lets say now. I fel sacred cause I am afraid of the future. If I were to sit down now, it may be wondrous to thing that all that has happen... Everything good and bad. Maybe that is what faith is all about. Just occured to me.

There was also the other conversation where I said why do some people have the ability to work some kind of job that does not matter to them except for a livelihood. Wwell of course there is that need for survival which is such a core issue to life. What about all the people who come here from other countries to work in menial jobs. Some of them are people who are smart, have an education, maybe they are more intelligent than you or I. It is incredible. Wwhen we talk about meritocracy? I don't know. Anyhow another of those passerby thoughts, eh.

WORKING

I don't work and have never worked, which dosqualifies me from writing this. No it dosen't!!

Was talking with some people about working and the question was posed: do I like to work?

I think if there was a reason I liked to work it would be to earn money of my own, that will lift my confidence and spirit, no doubt. Another thing though is I have to get a job that means something to me. Everybody likes that! Well, but some people can go without it, I can't. I will be yawning before lunch and it could turn out to be not a confidence booster. I have to be passionate about something. But like what one of my friends said, it is a practical thing for people to earn to get a living no matter what job. So what about this people who do jobs that does not mean something to them? Well, I think we can look at this a few ways. Firstly, it does mean something to them: it means money. And for them that is the only thing that concern them, survival is the idea. So this ability to work on things that don't mean something to you is it genetic or upbringing. Seriously, someone almost look as if she got racist over it, though yet maybe she was right but the expression came out wrong. Genes or Environment? I just wonder...

Update

I am updating on my whereabouts. What have I been doing is such a constant refrain in talking to anybody- from my parents to people I talk to on blue moons. I think this will serve to answer your queries and curiosity why I have not been up to anyhting according to you.
There is no angst to this.
I have been reading and musing on things I do not understand trying to acquescience ideas that I hear of but never solemly try to apprehend or formulate for myself. Now I am doing that. And I suppose for greater readership, it has been a very long and tedious process. It is not however boring or a great waste of time because it has serve my own mental sate of mind in easing queriries and polishing my education of the brain.
In between, this writng and reading process, I find myself in need of playing. So I have been playing soccer, rugby and running- working on both my stamina and speed. After returning from the Philippines having spend three weeks there, I am not trying to get back the energy I need. Again for wider readership, I suffer from great losses of bouts of energy which is very hard to reatin to whenever I put myself at strain or where my body strains itself mentally or physically. Playing with friends or strangers. Or sometimes running by myself.
After which I spend a great time loitering, considering that it is a past time I would never possess again. Traveling is included incessantly in loitered time. Soon I will be making a pilgrimage to Incredible India! Where for the first time, I will be flank by both thawing prosperity and roaring poverty in Mumbai and Bangalore who knows in Gujarat as well. They would however not affect to much as I am now reading the denounciation of the Poor laws written by Malthus in the theory of population. And I would understand the practical problems of population that has enchanted poor Malthus to toil in suh a futile endeavour of explaining this things to us only to find years later his theories being overthrown. Nevertheless, the many concerns he has is almost realistic and his theories are terribly sensible right now. In the course of which, I have been baffled time and again by how he could be wrong. Maybe he failed to have seen the whole truth.
So now, that I have explained it all. I am intending to meet some friends in this coming week. And be more energetic!!!

i have thoughts i don't describe, things i have not siad. if i die now i worry what would become of them. and p eople i have not talk to for a long time. are they even real. i sleep and tomorrow may come but who knows what the morrow brings so subtle. if i was even ther. i thought friends and yet sof ar from me. what a pity science could not overcomeance and i could not overcome this parts. i was so far thinking of coming back and so far it just seem enormous

sentences

Rainy. Like the heavens are crying. For joy or for sadness?

Celeboratry poemed

the 70TH post of my blog! how should we celebrate this?
yesterday there was the rain and rainbow. today, what was there?
i am looking for something in my mail box. is it there?

the funny thing is it is night and the clock on the screen shows it is morning. do you get what i mean?
i am suppose to start writing. and what have i written?
did not play today. why is that?

and on and on and on... they tell the story. where did it end?
i fell asleep on the chair. who woke me up?
this may be the first poem in a long while. why is that?

i tell myself i won't forgive and yet i want to reconcile. with who?
you are thinking if it is you. is it?
i am not upset, depress, estatic, excited. then what am i?

i write and i think. where are they all now?
i have taken my dinner and pure fruit juice. was it good?
the hour prior has passed. does it come back?

the next time you read this. think of me. Who are you?

Soccer: when we play.

this evening, we played football. the best thing was it rained in the afternoon. both the air and ground were fresh. not everybody likes to play when it is muddy cause it would be slippery. but i enjoy slidding in the mud no matter how frustrating it is when i always slip and miss kicking the ball. we were all drenched in mud and sweat! and yes we had a jolly good time.
thats why i love playing and feeling sweaty and kicking the ball! i just love the feeling. i may not be very good now but i still love playing!
expressing myself, HG

23 Feb: writing sometime before the month fizzles out.

Courage is about overcoming fear.

Almost half this month had been spend in the Philippines. Things that happen in life no matter how small do make a difference. Taking the punches life throws, absorbing it like a punching bag, lifeless thing is not easily done.

The big question is always WHY? There is never really an answer, I think. Sometimes the biggest questions in life are never answered not even at the end of life. Thinking more about it only dishes out more dissatisfaction with life and its lack of answers.

The good thing is that life is a journey. It moves on. So sometimes no matter how big the world looks today. It changes tomorrow. Maybe that's the good of change.

The easiest thing to do is sit here. It is harder to stand up. But sitting, in the first place, was hard getting there.

HG

Advice

Here is what the Nutritionist says! Hear, Hear..

"1. Fried food is made by completely submerging a food item in hot fat(some type of oil). The degree to which this method of food preparation is"bad" depends on A) how long the food is submerged B)The temperature ofthe fat C)Most important! The TYPE of oil used. Basically, because I knowyou arent THAT interested in this, try to avoid eating too many friedfoods! They contain high amounts of both saturated and trans fats. Bothare very bad for your weight, heart, and arteries. These fats clog bloodpassages--Some people describe blood flowing through the arteries of aperson who eats fried food akin to trying to suck thick soup through astraw! Grooose. So, STAY AWAY from fried foods! (P.S. It wont hurt too bad to indulge in them once a week or so)" -Molly Eyler, Nutritionist.

I am really scared that my blood flow is going to be as describe. It is enough a picture to keep me a good distance from fried food. Though I definitely think that they should be indulged in once in a blue moon, I think it will be nice to know my blood does not look like thick soup!

2. Coke! Also a good question. Like fried food, alot of people want to stay away from drinking regular Coke because it contains rediculously high amounts of sugar. Its basically like eating a ton of candy. It contains this horrible form of refined sugar called "high fructose corn syrup"--this you can see on almost any food label. Sugar makes you fat AND makes your teeth rot out! Also, "According to numerous household cleaning Websites, soda can clean your toilet, eliminate rust from a car bumper andremove grease from clothing." So, imagine what it does to your stomach! So, then, everyone wants to know if DIET Coke is the way to go??? Good question! The reason it's "healthier" is because it doesn't contain any real sugar. Instead, it gets its sweet taste from what are called"artificial sweeteners" (chemicals that are made in a lab to resemble the taste of sugar--Known most commonly as Splenda, Aspritame, etc.) These aren't supposed to be bad for you, but personally I don't trust anything that is made in a lab and hasn't been out on the market for more than 10 years. I still drink diet drinks though, just try to drink mostly milk and water."- Molly Eyler, Nutritionist

I think it is good knowing that except for the sugar coke doea not kill. A very valid evidence is that I am still alive. And since coke can clean the grease from my intestine, so much the better esp after eating fried food. But of course, I am going to drink bottle water as I think the water in Singapore, otherwise known to me as toliet bowl cum drain water has toooooooo much "purification chemicals"; and milk, my favourite: if babies can live of milk, so can I!

And finally for the last question of the blog:

"3. BK vs MacDonalds! HA! What a question! Avoid both, for goodness sakes!Actually, these days it really isn't necessary to. Both offer GRILLED chicken sandwiches, salads and fruit--all good things! What you want toavoid are the fries, hamburgers, and fried fish and chicken. And the coke of course!"- Molly Eyler, Nutritionist

Well, I think that means (in other words or in short) stay of the fast food whosoever they be. But I really think that is a HARD saying. I mean we go to these places to chew on the fries and drink the coke and just sit down there and watch tiome fly by. OK, anyhow I am going to try. Next time we want a meeting place it won't be the fast food it will be Cold storage other wise known as the Fresh food people!

Final advice:
"Heres what I recommend for a healthy body and healthy mind! (For, eating the right kind of food and exercise GREATLY benefits the mind) Think back to the early days of civilation...When people were sustainable, they lived off of fresh, home grown fruits and veggies, bread, meat, eggs, and water! Nothing processed or chemical! This type of diet is what our bodies can handle easiest---simple, no chemicals or weird things that might cause cancer. If you're REALLY feeling interested, check out www.mypyramid.org to see more about nutrition!"- Molly Eyler, Nutritionist

Ok, class anymore questions? Seriously, though, I am really going to eat healthy, not for anything but just that I know that when I do I feel 10 times better about my body than when I don't. Not that it worries me so much, what I eat, because as they say what goes in will come out, but I think that to live healthy is very respectable to my body and so it is a positive attitude, though once in a while a leeway to indulgence (afterall life has to be fun), and so I will feel more respectable to life as a whole!

Gourmet (cont.)

Why I have to cont talking about food? Because we eat everyday, it has become such a hot issue unless you don't care about food and all you eat three times a day is cold food.
Yes, people in Singapore and Malaysia eat almost 24-7. It is a past time. When they have nothing to do they eat. The other day when we went out to a coffee shop, there were about 9 Malay food stalls and multitudes of Chinese stalls and all selling like hot cakes. People make such a business out of food. Nobody goes hungry. I leave it to the conscience to answer if there is an element of greed involved. The difference between need and greed is a fine thin line.
I don't think that we should dispel oil or frying from our living, I think to do it in moderation is necessary. Also on the other hand people who are careful about their means of cooking are too selective, they do not get the whole stroke of the gourmet. I still distinctively feel it is about balance rather than lopsided consumption. Of course there is such a thing as substitution but what go would subtraction do?
Finally, I think there are a lot of food theories out there. How we should eat and live. But I don't think everything must first be taken with a pinch of salt. There really is nothing that does not kill. Anything can kill. You can eat a harmless cherry and choke on it's seed. And, yes, die from eating the cherry. I have heard so much about what can maim our health, I wonder why we are all not dead yet. And yes, it may be killing us softly and slowly but I suggest that most htings do wear and tear the body in one way or another. It is moderation that helps to preseve the body and postpone its decaying eventuality. Some say coke killss. Others say stay off oil. There are some who determine to know if BK or Macdonald is better? And all are encompassed by the fear that these empires are set up to kill. Yes they definitely do have a potential. But after that they prosperity will fledge. Let me say, that I wonder this finally, what will kill us first? fear or food?
To be back soon, HG

KL pictures.

internet conection is slow so i have given up posting pictures for now. later.

Gourmet

I am not a food fanatic. Definately not. Sometimes when I have to eat lunch (esp) or any other meal, I feel like it is so routine. I don't see that I am doing it out of necessity but mere tradition. Why should we have three bloody meals in a day or four including supper. I just wish I could eat when I need and as much as I want or not want! Blistering Barnacles and Thundering Typhoons!

Now after this vent of ridiculous babbling, lets go on to GOURMET. Well, you know Singapore is food paradise but sometimes I wish food would not be all reeved up, all the noise and flowers on it. Just a simple meal. Today, I had that for lunch. And I loved that. I felt that it increased my appetite.

It is miraculous thought the different cusines available. The choices given, I believe I will never make a choice. The different measurements upon which different cultures work. I need to think more intricritely on this but one thing for sure, after some thought, I do know that the food made in a culture can help you appreciate it better.

Sometimes choices are fun. Not making too many yet having a good options can really spice up life. Singapore does offer that to an extent, but too much also (errrr) takes the fun out of it and it becomes cumbersome. The problem with a lot of local food though is that it is toooooo oily. Take it from me, it may taste good but it is not worth drinking oil. Maybe if you go to Iraq one can do that but not here where food is abundant and one is spoilt for choice. I feel that local food esp is drenched, soaked, made in oil. And I really feel sick after eating not too much of it. I am turning to other sources available, until I miss the local oilycacies.

Lost in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Ok, new year, new blogger.

I should like to start the new year with answers to some of the questions. I wondered that at the end of my life I will have all my questions answered. I don't think so. As I grow, I seem to have more questions with no certainty of finality.

Anyway, I want to write about something that happened last year when we were in KL. I should love to put some pictures up but not now. Now, I am only in the mood for typing as fast as possible whatever there is that is needed to say. We went to KL with two friends from India. So we were staying in an apartment P&B Darby. Apartment overlook different aspects of KL. I liked the room we slept in it had a clear view of KL buildings. I am not a big architecture critic or anything like that. In fact, the gigantic, grotesque structures do scare me sometimes; the way they awesomely tower over me expanding my minuteness. And the crowded cities overwhelms me negatively. I feel pressured and hardly at ease. Cars flying by and people hurrying incessantly between now and then. You got to stop and catch your breathe every now and then. But putting aside all these negative structures, I think the aspects of a city are also magnificent. The way they look, sometimes shaped from different dimensions. Mostly this tainted windows at the differnt angles reflecting the sunlight. And then the city is also about people living together. Compactly framed almost to suit an ideology- the mordern nomads. Hardly nomadic but still constantly evoloving, upgrading and running through life. And yet all in one place. There is so much more fascintaing approaches to life in a city. I wonder if all the cities of the world have the same aroma-- and stench..

So, we watch the Petronas tower, Twin towers. All really cool, exciting! Yet it send chills up my spine to see the city busking in such gory excitement. And then the shopping, train, food, etc...

What was though a very exhilarating experiance and more personal one was our visit to another side of KL- Chinatown. I thought it would be as boring but alas! down with my skepticism! I was rebuke with that experiance. Chinatown is cramped and jammed. The multitude of people and the slow pace at which that thin human line squeeze through the small tentages of busisnesses. One never touched anything until one was sure she was going to get it. You touch and they press upon you to get it! Run! Flee! It was as if this people had such hard dignity when it came to fighting for life. Another kind of dignity- uncouth dignity. The revelation of the market. Every one for his own survival. I learn the trick and skill of bargaining. YEA! If you don't push it down I will just go to another and then we will get on with life. Walking around flaunting the power of demand so that I could push down the equilibrium price. Economics seems so real amidst the sweat and toil of the night heat and humidity and the scram at which every one was just doing as he saw fit. In essence, it was the rat race. TRADE. Merchants for the right price. I felt as if I was fighting for my survival- monetary survival. Alright, it was not that bad. But it was very tense, even mentally I was on the edge; physical I was strain and emotionally I was vexed.

I liked that experiance because firstly it was cruel yet real. So like everything I know is out there but scrapped off the outward superficiality. It was human beings at its worst and yet best- cunning foxes, wise foxes; however you see these brutes you know deep down when man are left in the survival of the fittest, out there in this modern jungle, it boils down to selfishness. But then maybe, just maybe for a tiny second there was humanness in that selfishness- the way people fought for their lifes. In that moment some things in life just stringed togehter so sensiblely.

After a while, I was tired. When we back that night, I really felt relief; I was safe in the apartment on the 13 story. I had a few success stories of good bargaining deals.

Dark Abyss

I am sad. Because just when I thought this was the end. It is going to not end. It was only suppose to be for a while but apparently it was probably never meant to be. I don't know why I am writing it here. But where can I lament on the pillow? I just want to stare at the empty space and go off... It was the maybe the most trying time but it was the best so far. How do you put a fullstop, I thought it was just to be a comma.

Pharisee writes:

I BLOGGED THIS WEEK, SCUM OF THE EARTH!!! (JUST FOR YOUR LONG SIGHTED EYES TO READ.)

Still reading Mill's essay. But I am enjoying it. Last chapter now. Too much to think about to write now. Though I wrote some this week... Went to the seaside. Laugh a lot. John Donne's poems are meaningful. I like them. I learn a phrase this week: I have eater more salt than you have eaten rice. And I love the rain, it is cats and dogs now. If only I can go out. I am missing a lot of people now. If everything was settled quickly, at least I can sleep in peace. But who am I to complain. I really believe in Individuality and thus the Liberty of the Individual. We are so wanting in developing that.
An individual, HG

On Liberty- John Mill

"Socrates was put to death, but the Socratic philosophy rose like the sun in heaven, and spread its illumination over the whole intellectual firmament. Christians were cast to the lions , but the Christian church grew up a stately and spreading tree, overstopping the older and less vigorous growths, and stifling them by its shade. Our merely social intolerence kills no one, roots out no opinions, but induces men to disguise or to abstain from any active effort for their diffusion. With us the heretical opinions do not perceptibly gain, or even lose, ground in each decade or generation; they never blaze out far and wide, but continue to smolder in the narrow circles of thinking and studious persons among whom they originate, without ever lighting up the general affairs of mankind with either a true or a deceptive light. And thus is kept up a state of things very satisfactory to some minds, because, without the unpleasant process of fining or imprisoning anybody, it mantains all prevailing opinions outwardly undisturbed, while it does not absolutely interdict the exercise of reason by dissentients afflicted with the malady of thought. A convenient plan for having peace in the intellectual world, and keeping all things going on therein very much as they do already. But the price paid for this sort of intellectual pacification , is the sacrifice of the entire moral courage of the human mind."

The considerations of this passage are profound. And the consequences dire because inevitably are we creating or destroying our moral courage and that of our posterity. Truth will always shine but it is us- our age and reason that suffers. Our dignity and uprightness or lack thereof that will be scorn.

Is society already judging courage or cowardice?

Another entry (Oct 28)

I want to write and I can't. That is the worst feeling. So many thoughts jam in my head. Really, that is vexing. Watched Pride and Prejudice again. This time it was more boring than the previous time. Reading the book is different, I do not feel tedious. But still it was fun seeing the BBC production. It encapsulated more substance and beauty than other versions.

Jane AUSTEN is a brilliant writer. Her depiction of characters and faults is so subtil. Her sense of humor makes it enjoyable and readable. Once one takes up the book it will take a great deal to put it done. When I read her book, I feel the power of words engulfing me like smoke.

Really though I think her book is less about love more about discerning character, unfortunately most movie producers capture the storyline- the romantic part and really that is nothing more than a fairytale. We have seen it told over and over again, nothing outstanding.

The haze has subsided a lot. With the help of a lot of rain. I am so grateful to God. It is nice to be able to go outside again without worrying of retribution (lung cancer!) I already feel much better than always. I did not know how the weather could play a big role in our lives. I can't wait to go to the seaside once the air clears itself up. Other then the occassional hiccup, I feel quite revitalize and chirpy. Once in a while I come across thoughts I rather not meditate about, often when I am alone. But I hope it will soon clear itself up like th haze with help from the rain.

And Rmt if you read my blog, I hope you will be consistent in blogging!!!! Next, I am tring to get a type writer because I heard somewhere that it is much more conducive for writng than a laptop. And third what do you think of Ithiel Thomas?? (I am serious. They are really considering it.)