Advice

Here is what the Nutritionist says! Hear, Hear..

"1. Fried food is made by completely submerging a food item in hot fat(some type of oil). The degree to which this method of food preparation is"bad" depends on A) how long the food is submerged B)The temperature ofthe fat C)Most important! The TYPE of oil used. Basically, because I knowyou arent THAT interested in this, try to avoid eating too many friedfoods! They contain high amounts of both saturated and trans fats. Bothare very bad for your weight, heart, and arteries. These fats clog bloodpassages--Some people describe blood flowing through the arteries of aperson who eats fried food akin to trying to suck thick soup through astraw! Grooose. So, STAY AWAY from fried foods! (P.S. It wont hurt too bad to indulge in them once a week or so)" -Molly Eyler, Nutritionist.

I am really scared that my blood flow is going to be as describe. It is enough a picture to keep me a good distance from fried food. Though I definitely think that they should be indulged in once in a blue moon, I think it will be nice to know my blood does not look like thick soup!

2. Coke! Also a good question. Like fried food, alot of people want to stay away from drinking regular Coke because it contains rediculously high amounts of sugar. Its basically like eating a ton of candy. It contains this horrible form of refined sugar called "high fructose corn syrup"--this you can see on almost any food label. Sugar makes you fat AND makes your teeth rot out! Also, "According to numerous household cleaning Websites, soda can clean your toilet, eliminate rust from a car bumper andremove grease from clothing." So, imagine what it does to your stomach! So, then, everyone wants to know if DIET Coke is the way to go??? Good question! The reason it's "healthier" is because it doesn't contain any real sugar. Instead, it gets its sweet taste from what are called"artificial sweeteners" (chemicals that are made in a lab to resemble the taste of sugar--Known most commonly as Splenda, Aspritame, etc.) These aren't supposed to be bad for you, but personally I don't trust anything that is made in a lab and hasn't been out on the market for more than 10 years. I still drink diet drinks though, just try to drink mostly milk and water."- Molly Eyler, Nutritionist

I think it is good knowing that except for the sugar coke doea not kill. A very valid evidence is that I am still alive. And since coke can clean the grease from my intestine, so much the better esp after eating fried food. But of course, I am going to drink bottle water as I think the water in Singapore, otherwise known to me as toliet bowl cum drain water has toooooooo much "purification chemicals"; and milk, my favourite: if babies can live of milk, so can I!

And finally for the last question of the blog:

"3. BK vs MacDonalds! HA! What a question! Avoid both, for goodness sakes!Actually, these days it really isn't necessary to. Both offer GRILLED chicken sandwiches, salads and fruit--all good things! What you want toavoid are the fries, hamburgers, and fried fish and chicken. And the coke of course!"- Molly Eyler, Nutritionist

Well, I think that means (in other words or in short) stay of the fast food whosoever they be. But I really think that is a HARD saying. I mean we go to these places to chew on the fries and drink the coke and just sit down there and watch tiome fly by. OK, anyhow I am going to try. Next time we want a meeting place it won't be the fast food it will be Cold storage other wise known as the Fresh food people!

Final advice:
"Heres what I recommend for a healthy body and healthy mind! (For, eating the right kind of food and exercise GREATLY benefits the mind) Think back to the early days of civilation...When people were sustainable, they lived off of fresh, home grown fruits and veggies, bread, meat, eggs, and water! Nothing processed or chemical! This type of diet is what our bodies can handle easiest---simple, no chemicals or weird things that might cause cancer. If you're REALLY feeling interested, check out www.mypyramid.org to see more about nutrition!"- Molly Eyler, Nutritionist

Ok, class anymore questions? Seriously, though, I am really going to eat healthy, not for anything but just that I know that when I do I feel 10 times better about my body than when I don't. Not that it worries me so much, what I eat, because as they say what goes in will come out, but I think that to live healthy is very respectable to my body and so it is a positive attitude, though once in a while a leeway to indulgence (afterall life has to be fun), and so I will feel more respectable to life as a whole!

Gourmet (cont.)

Why I have to cont talking about food? Because we eat everyday, it has become such a hot issue unless you don't care about food and all you eat three times a day is cold food.
Yes, people in Singapore and Malaysia eat almost 24-7. It is a past time. When they have nothing to do they eat. The other day when we went out to a coffee shop, there were about 9 Malay food stalls and multitudes of Chinese stalls and all selling like hot cakes. People make such a business out of food. Nobody goes hungry. I leave it to the conscience to answer if there is an element of greed involved. The difference between need and greed is a fine thin line.
I don't think that we should dispel oil or frying from our living, I think to do it in moderation is necessary. Also on the other hand people who are careful about their means of cooking are too selective, they do not get the whole stroke of the gourmet. I still distinctively feel it is about balance rather than lopsided consumption. Of course there is such a thing as substitution but what go would subtraction do?
Finally, I think there are a lot of food theories out there. How we should eat and live. But I don't think everything must first be taken with a pinch of salt. There really is nothing that does not kill. Anything can kill. You can eat a harmless cherry and choke on it's seed. And, yes, die from eating the cherry. I have heard so much about what can maim our health, I wonder why we are all not dead yet. And yes, it may be killing us softly and slowly but I suggest that most htings do wear and tear the body in one way or another. It is moderation that helps to preseve the body and postpone its decaying eventuality. Some say coke killss. Others say stay off oil. There are some who determine to know if BK or Macdonald is better? And all are encompassed by the fear that these empires are set up to kill. Yes they definitely do have a potential. But after that they prosperity will fledge. Let me say, that I wonder this finally, what will kill us first? fear or food?
To be back soon, HG

KL pictures.

internet conection is slow so i have given up posting pictures for now. later.

Gourmet

I am not a food fanatic. Definately not. Sometimes when I have to eat lunch (esp) or any other meal, I feel like it is so routine. I don't see that I am doing it out of necessity but mere tradition. Why should we have three bloody meals in a day or four including supper. I just wish I could eat when I need and as much as I want or not want! Blistering Barnacles and Thundering Typhoons!

Now after this vent of ridiculous babbling, lets go on to GOURMET. Well, you know Singapore is food paradise but sometimes I wish food would not be all reeved up, all the noise and flowers on it. Just a simple meal. Today, I had that for lunch. And I loved that. I felt that it increased my appetite.

It is miraculous thought the different cusines available. The choices given, I believe I will never make a choice. The different measurements upon which different cultures work. I need to think more intricritely on this but one thing for sure, after some thought, I do know that the food made in a culture can help you appreciate it better.

Sometimes choices are fun. Not making too many yet having a good options can really spice up life. Singapore does offer that to an extent, but too much also (errrr) takes the fun out of it and it becomes cumbersome. The problem with a lot of local food though is that it is toooooo oily. Take it from me, it may taste good but it is not worth drinking oil. Maybe if you go to Iraq one can do that but not here where food is abundant and one is spoilt for choice. I feel that local food esp is drenched, soaked, made in oil. And I really feel sick after eating not too much of it. I am turning to other sources available, until I miss the local oilycacies.

Lost in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Ok, new year, new blogger.

I should like to start the new year with answers to some of the questions. I wondered that at the end of my life I will have all my questions answered. I don't think so. As I grow, I seem to have more questions with no certainty of finality.

Anyway, I want to write about something that happened last year when we were in KL. I should love to put some pictures up but not now. Now, I am only in the mood for typing as fast as possible whatever there is that is needed to say. We went to KL with two friends from India. So we were staying in an apartment P&B Darby. Apartment overlook different aspects of KL. I liked the room we slept in it had a clear view of KL buildings. I am not a big architecture critic or anything like that. In fact, the gigantic, grotesque structures do scare me sometimes; the way they awesomely tower over me expanding my minuteness. And the crowded cities overwhelms me negatively. I feel pressured and hardly at ease. Cars flying by and people hurrying incessantly between now and then. You got to stop and catch your breathe every now and then. But putting aside all these negative structures, I think the aspects of a city are also magnificent. The way they look, sometimes shaped from different dimensions. Mostly this tainted windows at the differnt angles reflecting the sunlight. And then the city is also about people living together. Compactly framed almost to suit an ideology- the mordern nomads. Hardly nomadic but still constantly evoloving, upgrading and running through life. And yet all in one place. There is so much more fascintaing approaches to life in a city. I wonder if all the cities of the world have the same aroma-- and stench..

So, we watch the Petronas tower, Twin towers. All really cool, exciting! Yet it send chills up my spine to see the city busking in such gory excitement. And then the shopping, train, food, etc...

What was though a very exhilarating experiance and more personal one was our visit to another side of KL- Chinatown. I thought it would be as boring but alas! down with my skepticism! I was rebuke with that experiance. Chinatown is cramped and jammed. The multitude of people and the slow pace at which that thin human line squeeze through the small tentages of busisnesses. One never touched anything until one was sure she was going to get it. You touch and they press upon you to get it! Run! Flee! It was as if this people had such hard dignity when it came to fighting for life. Another kind of dignity- uncouth dignity. The revelation of the market. Every one for his own survival. I learn the trick and skill of bargaining. YEA! If you don't push it down I will just go to another and then we will get on with life. Walking around flaunting the power of demand so that I could push down the equilibrium price. Economics seems so real amidst the sweat and toil of the night heat and humidity and the scram at which every one was just doing as he saw fit. In essence, it was the rat race. TRADE. Merchants for the right price. I felt as if I was fighting for my survival- monetary survival. Alright, it was not that bad. But it was very tense, even mentally I was on the edge; physical I was strain and emotionally I was vexed.

I liked that experiance because firstly it was cruel yet real. So like everything I know is out there but scrapped off the outward superficiality. It was human beings at its worst and yet best- cunning foxes, wise foxes; however you see these brutes you know deep down when man are left in the survival of the fittest, out there in this modern jungle, it boils down to selfishness. But then maybe, just maybe for a tiny second there was humanness in that selfishness- the way people fought for their lifes. In that moment some things in life just stringed togehter so sensiblely.

After a while, I was tired. When we back that night, I really felt relief; I was safe in the apartment on the 13 story. I had a few success stories of good bargaining deals.

Dark Abyss

I am sad. Because just when I thought this was the end. It is going to not end. It was only suppose to be for a while but apparently it was probably never meant to be. I don't know why I am writing it here. But where can I lament on the pillow? I just want to stare at the empty space and go off... It was the maybe the most trying time but it was the best so far. How do you put a fullstop, I thought it was just to be a comma.

Pharisee writes:

I BLOGGED THIS WEEK, SCUM OF THE EARTH!!! (JUST FOR YOUR LONG SIGHTED EYES TO READ.)

Still reading Mill's essay. But I am enjoying it. Last chapter now. Too much to think about to write now. Though I wrote some this week... Went to the seaside. Laugh a lot. John Donne's poems are meaningful. I like them. I learn a phrase this week: I have eater more salt than you have eaten rice. And I love the rain, it is cats and dogs now. If only I can go out. I am missing a lot of people now. If everything was settled quickly, at least I can sleep in peace. But who am I to complain. I really believe in Individuality and thus the Liberty of the Individual. We are so wanting in developing that.
An individual, HG

On Liberty- John Mill

"Socrates was put to death, but the Socratic philosophy rose like the sun in heaven, and spread its illumination over the whole intellectual firmament. Christians were cast to the lions , but the Christian church grew up a stately and spreading tree, overstopping the older and less vigorous growths, and stifling them by its shade. Our merely social intolerence kills no one, roots out no opinions, but induces men to disguise or to abstain from any active effort for their diffusion. With us the heretical opinions do not perceptibly gain, or even lose, ground in each decade or generation; they never blaze out far and wide, but continue to smolder in the narrow circles of thinking and studious persons among whom they originate, without ever lighting up the general affairs of mankind with either a true or a deceptive light. And thus is kept up a state of things very satisfactory to some minds, because, without the unpleasant process of fining or imprisoning anybody, it mantains all prevailing opinions outwardly undisturbed, while it does not absolutely interdict the exercise of reason by dissentients afflicted with the malady of thought. A convenient plan for having peace in the intellectual world, and keeping all things going on therein very much as they do already. But the price paid for this sort of intellectual pacification , is the sacrifice of the entire moral courage of the human mind."

The considerations of this passage are profound. And the consequences dire because inevitably are we creating or destroying our moral courage and that of our posterity. Truth will always shine but it is us- our age and reason that suffers. Our dignity and uprightness or lack thereof that will be scorn.

Is society already judging courage or cowardice?

Another entry (Oct 28)

I want to write and I can't. That is the worst feeling. So many thoughts jam in my head. Really, that is vexing. Watched Pride and Prejudice again. This time it was more boring than the previous time. Reading the book is different, I do not feel tedious. But still it was fun seeing the BBC production. It encapsulated more substance and beauty than other versions.

Jane AUSTEN is a brilliant writer. Her depiction of characters and faults is so subtil. Her sense of humor makes it enjoyable and readable. Once one takes up the book it will take a great deal to put it done. When I read her book, I feel the power of words engulfing me like smoke.

Really though I think her book is less about love more about discerning character, unfortunately most movie producers capture the storyline- the romantic part and really that is nothing more than a fairytale. We have seen it told over and over again, nothing outstanding.

The haze has subsided a lot. With the help of a lot of rain. I am so grateful to God. It is nice to be able to go outside again without worrying of retribution (lung cancer!) I already feel much better than always. I did not know how the weather could play a big role in our lives. I can't wait to go to the seaside once the air clears itself up. Other then the occassional hiccup, I feel quite revitalize and chirpy. Once in a while I come across thoughts I rather not meditate about, often when I am alone. But I hope it will soon clear itself up like th haze with help from the rain.

And Rmt if you read my blog, I hope you will be consistent in blogging!!!! Next, I am tring to get a type writer because I heard somewhere that it is much more conducive for writng than a laptop. And third what do you think of Ithiel Thomas?? (I am serious. They are really considering it.)

Philippines: Pictures or Memories

I thought that I would never have the opportunity to visit the Philippines. When I went away, it was like erasing the thought all together. Home was far away now; how much more the thought of visiting that country. I wanted to go there because I have heard much from people who have been there. Everybody who saw life there somehow felt it's pathetic state and their blessings. I wanted to experiance that deeply.

I did not get much time there to get a taste of life... so maybe I should go again one day for the whole thing..

But at least here are a few memories and pictures I took with me:

The street child- three small children, frighten bones in oversized clothes, sliming aganst the wall across from where I sat eating my breakfast in the city of San Jose. Nobody saw them because nobody wanted to. It was just another part of life we never intended on having. Quietly, the barefooted ones made their way up and down, the uncovered parts of their boies and their hairs were covered with the dust. I imagine them walking along the Philippines road. What were they looking for? food? water? then the sat aginst the wall, the younger clutching firmly his brother's hand. was he afraid? We approached them. In Tagalogue. But they hid unde rhteir over sized clothes. They did not ask for money or food. They just kept dreadful silence. What would you want? Was it not just a passing moment. I thought of snatching out my camera. I stop. At least I would not still their dignity- or maybe it was already gone. But they were not artifacts of Philippines. They were her bane. And yet they never asked to be. I sat on the bench and rested my head on its metal bar. After a while I realized that someone was sitting to my left on the side walk. I turn, there was a boy, a street child, to be exact, he was playing with the sand. Here and there pushing the sand in and out. I looked at him and he did not seem to mind my staring. Seems as if he was oblivious. For a long time he sat there just doing what he was doing. I put myself in his shoes and could he be bored. Maybe pity was not what they want? Maybe this was their life? How could I demean it? But I could see outside, was there not so much more to it. Would that so much mor emake one happy? maybe good food and a shower would for a season- was htat not what humans did? I turn and asked the lady, why? how do they survive? She said "irresponsible people." and "only the best survive". A chill ran down my spine. It sounded all too familiar.

When we traveled the dusty roads of Philippines, someone inevitably had to bring out in comparison to Singapore. I really felt we could enjoy it with out that comparisons. So we all look out of the van's window decided we would open the windows. It was so dusty. The padi fields were vacant, drenched in water, I suspect the recent typhoon there in Manila. Nobody was sighted in the fields. It was desolate. Once upon a time, I could tell it was the hope, life and dream of a man and his family. Now it was a curse. Their sorrow. And empty stomachs. Then when we traveled throught the busy town roads. The choas. It felt redeeming to me at first. It was everybody gone mad. Insanity was a quality. Dusty and Humid, we toiled like a snail. Horns blaring in every direction everywhere was a four way traffic. I would love to take driving lessons there because it is frivolous. I sat on the jeepney and tricycle. The tricycle was exhilarating, snaking its way. And they were all over. all of them finding the nitch at every portion like a jigsaw puzzle changing its pattern before you or those shape-games. triangle and square and one unknoe shape- maybe hexagon. I felt like children's play on the real roads. Lawless society. The jeepney was their bus and everyone of them had their name. Tortises on the road. I had fun sitting on them!! But I would never imagine that everyday. I cme back to the place we resided weary from all the hassle!

After sunset...

It is easy. Too easy to denounce. It is easy. Too easy to shrug everything off. The more I look at it the more I see...

There are those conversations that are light hearted but far from superficial. There are things not plastic that can be said to those who are.

...I see myself caught in a game that I have made up for myself. It holds anchor deep. Someone said light leads to the depth where darkness beholds...

The lamentable things the human kind convert after. Knowing it is fading beauty, passing glory. People hold out their smiles, they hardly mean it. It is the handshake of deceit.

... I begrudge them because I cannot see the other side of the panel. I feel that crossing their path is mixing everything up. Like a fool, I succumb to my own rigid chains. It is so hard to ammend because I am afraid to start form scratch, I refuse to see that I am wrong...

It is the game of betrayal. The game where the first to lose is the biggest winner. As we climb the stairs to heaven or maybe descend it to hell, we forge identities. Breaching every rule we create.

I doom my own soul with fear. Every minute with pain. Because I smell before I see. I defeat it's reasons before I acknowledge it's prescence...

Yet in all these we care about the insignificant. Hope for the minimal and die like the animals. Life thrust is death and all that leads to it. A bag of bones.

I recommend to myself the prescription of hope and live. The joy to put away. That starts by changing every idea, of letting fear go and abiding by forgiveness. It is the lessons I pick up but the fears that I drown.

An apology is given. And I mean to keep my word. No matter how many times it fails, by the end of this period it will be through.

Writing-

INSPIRATION is very unique and much needed. But the question that perplexes me is how to sustain inspiration. Obviously because of itsuniqueness it uis difficult to sustain. Everytime I set out to write, I feel inspired. The next day or the next week that inspiration and penning spree would have been lost to the wind.

Writing serves a purpose different from direct speech and even media influences. It survives time more influentially. Furthermore, it accomodates and enhances the thought process for the reader. So much has been said about the good of reading. But the act of writing from the writer's perspective. It is so much easier to think sometimes say thoughts. But writing explores more than creativity. Cajoling proper and exactness, sometines venturing to explore our person and a form of undeniable excess into anything, writing is ultimately a freedom. FREEDOM from things within and without. It begins and continues, knows no bounds and has no definition, its form is immense and benign. At the same time, its effect on the writer can shape much and trhe world and yet leave little impact on everything outside though often it causes the world catastrophic corners.

Why do I write? I write because I love the way my hand moves on pen and on the key board. I write because I feel the freedom. I write because it si a contribution. But ultimately, I write because I feel the inspiration and the way of expression frees my thought, soul and energy in the way I know best.

Of course anyone is entitle to their say of writing. It's pros and its cons.

Finally I understand our Differences

I am back in Spore. Unexpectedly for a break. 4 months. And already barely a week, I am wishing it was over. Not because I do not love home. In fact home is the saving grace but Spore is a new perspective. While I am at it let me introduce that we are starting construction on the IR. At the same time, the IMF/WB meeting is currently underway. Singapore ban the presence of at least 20 activist which left the WB unhappy. The full process of the institution is not just the meeting but the prescence of all forms of participation including those of the activist. Singapore, however felt that their prescence would endanger the safety and decroum of life here and so they prohibited their entering Singapore.

In my room with the windows open sometimes I hear children screaming and babies crying. I hear the vulgar talk of the neighbor below and the chatter of idle housewives. It occurs to me that life for them is a deceit. It is the everyday and care of the self and around, the gossip and the perception. It is the outward and the form. The make and the built. Everything else is sequential or negated. When I went out the oppressive cold stare or the let of regard of human survival, I could not take it. Nobody said good morning,nobody smiled, nobody look at people and saw it was a human being. No. It was all about moving fast, making money, saving face, looking good and frontal vision. I saw the herd and I moved out of their way. Everybody evaded me but it was nothing personal towards me. It was personal to them. I wanted to help, to smile but I felt like the wall again pressed into whiteness. Ostracized because I walk too slowly, evaded because I smiled. So I am very conflicted if I should pick up pace, stop looking around and wipe that smile off my face. Becasue after all is it not a culture of comformity, of blending in and being part of the herd and of saving face.

Yes, I am so sick of it. I am not for rebellion of revolt. Or ostentaciosity and pompousness. I just think we should take our time to be sincere beings. We should realize that civilization exsist for the being and not the being for civilization. The world was created for men. Why not slow down and try to be yourself. I am trying though I may not be the most perectly sane, we don't have to be colourful about it. Just a simple smile on your face instead of a rigid, tight, self concious, intimidating look might do miracles for you. Forget the cosmetics and forget the latest fashion, it is what you are that can change the tide, it si cheer that may save the one you never met.

Ghost Month

Imagined nightmares inflicting my thoughts of rest. can't run, the distance is too much and I am too weak. I have left off running for too long. they say things are not black and white but nobody really explains what to do. wish I knew the answer. I am confused and stupified by the thought of going thru the imagined nightmares.

the ghost are coming. they are waiting like how people wait at the arrival halls. they are anticipating, impatiently. I remember when I was young, during competition, chains were attached to my legs. and I could not for years overcome that barrier. Lossen the chains! But, alas. Till the day there was no anticipation, no ghost staring, nobody at the arrival gates with an evil glare and the sign board that read- Hannah. Painted in black and with the scent of deciet and rounded words.

My life is chained. Ball bearings pulling me down to the center of the earth from fear. I want to fly into the shadows, sparse cry of the after rain and grassland capturing my imaginations and running the last lap with sweat drnching my face and still feeling like I woke up, just.

I want to fly over the hurdles and prove. I want to spit in your face. turn my head. no it is not a spit of a contempt. I just want to gain back what you have taken by no right. Snatched from my hands when I was a child. The right to myself. You took the key to my room and all I want is it back. And, ghost, I am coming back for it. It is up to you to hand it to me peaceably or I would fight for it. scream and punch. I am energize. Sedated with electricity.

The story is long and repetitve. But the ending will be swift and daming. It will snatch you like fire and smite your withered carcasses. It would finish what was not eaten. The body is battered but it is not dead. WHY DON'T YOU LOOK ME IN MY EYES!!! It begins at the arrival gates. It begins from the journey. But it conquers the imagined nightmares. It shatters your vase in smitherings. It burys you where you deserve. Your nitch in this world.

Comprehenision problems

Waking up in mine own skin. Etched in yesterday's nightmare. I can scarcely ran. Where is the new beginning promised?

I am living shadows away. The cunning beast is here to snatch whatever cheer rises with the sun. I just want to be. Is that too much to ask...

I really don't know what happened. Something snapped and still lingers the aroma of death. Why do I get so tired of living? There are too many bathrooms. Too many insignificant desicions. They bother substance. But then I do not want big choices. I just want to sleep on the sand, I want to hear the noise of the waves crashing against the shore but withheld from me and be at rest. Is this retribution? I am guilty of crime and I am trying to run away from it but it seems to keep up with me. I have lost my speed and the breeze of running.

Shuttle

The esclipse of the sun. This morning I mange to be tired and sleep till about 8 that is good. Last night people making noise outside mine window really irritated me because I had a headache and this people could not let me sleep in silence and I tried to hear music and sleep but no, I could not. I was so tired, whole day and my head was trobbing with pain. My eyes were fuming with sleep. This morning after shower, I ate a choc. Kisses.

It feel as if I am still alone. But I feel happier today. Hopefully, it lasts. I feel as if my strength is slowly ebbing in not out. I am on the verge of hysteria and getting very mad with people. That will be a sign of energy.

It scares me that I don't know what is happening. I don't feel like a person. I was talking to someone about the theme in the hall "Creatively Discovering The Individual". I tell you if I could discover what is with me now let alone discover it creatively, I would be rejocing.

I wonder do people bear? I think from their eyes and talk to me. They do.

thoughts

It is very bad to take oneself out of something. I always do that. I am happy and everybody is then I have to spoil the show. It is so irritating and I know everybody is irritated by it. I wish I wasn't like that. It is at times like this that I HATE myself!!!
I am so tired and I want to sleep!!!

Thank God! The pieces are all falling back together!

I am Back. and everyone is slowly falling back. sometimes, space seem to make everything much more new! much more pleaasant. But of course I can say that now, now that it is FINALLY over! Thank God for tiding me over the worst falls. It may be the parts that will hardly be called up in the remembrance of life, but it is when you know what sticks does stick. It is the part that you learn about what matters and what does not. Reflections that bring me to understand what really is it I want.

And now it seems to be over!! Thank God. I am so sad to be away from home. Last night, I was just mulling over it before I fell asleep at 5pm. Why does good never survive time? Why can't I have it all? I already miss home by a multitude of sandbags. I already thinking about the next time I will go back. I am already Back.

And now I am Back. I am happy.

I am lost amidst two worlds trying to find a proper footing on both. What a fool! (Gladly??)

Flying, flying and grounded. yea, it has been a while. and already so much has come and gone. I am back at school after a whip of a trip home. Last night was awful, I am glad it is over. The morrow is here and I am waiting to unpack. The room structure is weird and I am thinking of means and ways to put this in order. Any brilliant idea?

School is starting- what a thought! I already feel it creeping behind me its devious eyes bend on getting to me. But I won't let it bother me now.

Funny incident happen at the airport when i arrived. There was this family with a board that read: Welcome to America Hanna! and already it was weird enough. So I walked past them laughing in my head. And as if they peeked into my head they turned around and asked me if I was Hannah. Erm, errrrrr... dumbfounded! have a laugh.

On a serious note, does names and people have a link?? Do I look Hannah-ish?

The intricate human understanding of the other.

I have been away for some ages. Studying, studying and pretending to. What has develope in this small plot? Nothing much. What has develop in the big universe. alot of small things and alot of huge, time defining things. I wonder if the lost of someone I have never seen matters. Of course, being a Christian, it would matter for eternity. However, what is a death that never was alive. People die everywhere, everyday. I could pretend to feel the pain of the invisible but it is pretend.

I would be ignorant to think this world was a paradise. Somebody, somewhere is wallowing and somebody somewhere is rejoicing. Both share a moment of being the extreme. Both share the moment of divine injection. What is feelings? Do they exsist?

Sometimes it is so hard to realise that people do not feel as we do. What makes one happy may not make another. Is there such a thing as a universal humanhood. I cannot imagine nor apprehend. But I am trying to overcome.

Being in the distance is a human concept that we are who we are. We cannot pretend to feel a loss that never exsist nor can we ignore the feelings of loss. Though, we can truely love what is present. Is that not honesty and sincerity. And in between that we have a human contract that bonds us into a connection. How can we ignore that. We know that and that is how we know malice and joy for others. No hiding under ignorance nor from pretence. The truth prevails.