Update

I am updating on my whereabouts. What have I been doing is such a constant refrain in talking to anybody- from my parents to people I talk to on blue moons. I think this will serve to answer your queries and curiosity why I have not been up to anyhting according to you.
There is no angst to this.
I have been reading and musing on things I do not understand trying to acquescience ideas that I hear of but never solemly try to apprehend or formulate for myself. Now I am doing that. And I suppose for greater readership, it has been a very long and tedious process. It is not however boring or a great waste of time because it has serve my own mental sate of mind in easing queriries and polishing my education of the brain.
In between, this writng and reading process, I find myself in need of playing. So I have been playing soccer, rugby and running- working on both my stamina and speed. After returning from the Philippines having spend three weeks there, I am not trying to get back the energy I need. Again for wider readership, I suffer from great losses of bouts of energy which is very hard to reatin to whenever I put myself at strain or where my body strains itself mentally or physically. Playing with friends or strangers. Or sometimes running by myself.
After which I spend a great time loitering, considering that it is a past time I would never possess again. Traveling is included incessantly in loitered time. Soon I will be making a pilgrimage to Incredible India! Where for the first time, I will be flank by both thawing prosperity and roaring poverty in Mumbai and Bangalore who knows in Gujarat as well. They would however not affect to much as I am now reading the denounciation of the Poor laws written by Malthus in the theory of population. And I would understand the practical problems of population that has enchanted poor Malthus to toil in suh a futile endeavour of explaining this things to us only to find years later his theories being overthrown. Nevertheless, the many concerns he has is almost realistic and his theories are terribly sensible right now. In the course of which, I have been baffled time and again by how he could be wrong. Maybe he failed to have seen the whole truth.
So now, that I have explained it all. I am intending to meet some friends in this coming week. And be more energetic!!!

i have thoughts i don't describe, things i have not siad. if i die now i worry what would become of them. and p eople i have not talk to for a long time. are they even real. i sleep and tomorrow may come but who knows what the morrow brings so subtle. if i was even ther. i thought friends and yet sof ar from me. what a pity science could not overcomeance and i could not overcome this parts. i was so far thinking of coming back and so far it just seem enormous

sentences

Rainy. Like the heavens are crying. For joy or for sadness?

Celeboratry poemed

the 70TH post of my blog! how should we celebrate this?
yesterday there was the rain and rainbow. today, what was there?
i am looking for something in my mail box. is it there?

the funny thing is it is night and the clock on the screen shows it is morning. do you get what i mean?
i am suppose to start writing. and what have i written?
did not play today. why is that?

and on and on and on... they tell the story. where did it end?
i fell asleep on the chair. who woke me up?
this may be the first poem in a long while. why is that?

i tell myself i won't forgive and yet i want to reconcile. with who?
you are thinking if it is you. is it?
i am not upset, depress, estatic, excited. then what am i?

i write and i think. where are they all now?
i have taken my dinner and pure fruit juice. was it good?
the hour prior has passed. does it come back?

the next time you read this. think of me. Who are you?

Soccer: when we play.

this evening, we played football. the best thing was it rained in the afternoon. both the air and ground were fresh. not everybody likes to play when it is muddy cause it would be slippery. but i enjoy slidding in the mud no matter how frustrating it is when i always slip and miss kicking the ball. we were all drenched in mud and sweat! and yes we had a jolly good time.
thats why i love playing and feeling sweaty and kicking the ball! i just love the feeling. i may not be very good now but i still love playing!
expressing myself, HG

23 Feb: writing sometime before the month fizzles out.

Courage is about overcoming fear.

Almost half this month had been spend in the Philippines. Things that happen in life no matter how small do make a difference. Taking the punches life throws, absorbing it like a punching bag, lifeless thing is not easily done.

The big question is always WHY? There is never really an answer, I think. Sometimes the biggest questions in life are never answered not even at the end of life. Thinking more about it only dishes out more dissatisfaction with life and its lack of answers.

The good thing is that life is a journey. It moves on. So sometimes no matter how big the world looks today. It changes tomorrow. Maybe that's the good of change.

The easiest thing to do is sit here. It is harder to stand up. But sitting, in the first place, was hard getting there.

HG

Advice

Here is what the Nutritionist says! Hear, Hear..

"1. Fried food is made by completely submerging a food item in hot fat(some type of oil). The degree to which this method of food preparation is"bad" depends on A) how long the food is submerged B)The temperature ofthe fat C)Most important! The TYPE of oil used. Basically, because I knowyou arent THAT interested in this, try to avoid eating too many friedfoods! They contain high amounts of both saturated and trans fats. Bothare very bad for your weight, heart, and arteries. These fats clog bloodpassages--Some people describe blood flowing through the arteries of aperson who eats fried food akin to trying to suck thick soup through astraw! Grooose. So, STAY AWAY from fried foods! (P.S. It wont hurt too bad to indulge in them once a week or so)" -Molly Eyler, Nutritionist.

I am really scared that my blood flow is going to be as describe. It is enough a picture to keep me a good distance from fried food. Though I definitely think that they should be indulged in once in a blue moon, I think it will be nice to know my blood does not look like thick soup!

2. Coke! Also a good question. Like fried food, alot of people want to stay away from drinking regular Coke because it contains rediculously high amounts of sugar. Its basically like eating a ton of candy. It contains this horrible form of refined sugar called "high fructose corn syrup"--this you can see on almost any food label. Sugar makes you fat AND makes your teeth rot out! Also, "According to numerous household cleaning Websites, soda can clean your toilet, eliminate rust from a car bumper andremove grease from clothing." So, imagine what it does to your stomach! So, then, everyone wants to know if DIET Coke is the way to go??? Good question! The reason it's "healthier" is because it doesn't contain any real sugar. Instead, it gets its sweet taste from what are called"artificial sweeteners" (chemicals that are made in a lab to resemble the taste of sugar--Known most commonly as Splenda, Aspritame, etc.) These aren't supposed to be bad for you, but personally I don't trust anything that is made in a lab and hasn't been out on the market for more than 10 years. I still drink diet drinks though, just try to drink mostly milk and water."- Molly Eyler, Nutritionist

I think it is good knowing that except for the sugar coke doea not kill. A very valid evidence is that I am still alive. And since coke can clean the grease from my intestine, so much the better esp after eating fried food. But of course, I am going to drink bottle water as I think the water in Singapore, otherwise known to me as toliet bowl cum drain water has toooooooo much "purification chemicals"; and milk, my favourite: if babies can live of milk, so can I!

And finally for the last question of the blog:

"3. BK vs MacDonalds! HA! What a question! Avoid both, for goodness sakes!Actually, these days it really isn't necessary to. Both offer GRILLED chicken sandwiches, salads and fruit--all good things! What you want toavoid are the fries, hamburgers, and fried fish and chicken. And the coke of course!"- Molly Eyler, Nutritionist

Well, I think that means (in other words or in short) stay of the fast food whosoever they be. But I really think that is a HARD saying. I mean we go to these places to chew on the fries and drink the coke and just sit down there and watch tiome fly by. OK, anyhow I am going to try. Next time we want a meeting place it won't be the fast food it will be Cold storage other wise known as the Fresh food people!

Final advice:
"Heres what I recommend for a healthy body and healthy mind! (For, eating the right kind of food and exercise GREATLY benefits the mind) Think back to the early days of civilation...When people were sustainable, they lived off of fresh, home grown fruits and veggies, bread, meat, eggs, and water! Nothing processed or chemical! This type of diet is what our bodies can handle easiest---simple, no chemicals or weird things that might cause cancer. If you're REALLY feeling interested, check out www.mypyramid.org to see more about nutrition!"- Molly Eyler, Nutritionist

Ok, class anymore questions? Seriously, though, I am really going to eat healthy, not for anything but just that I know that when I do I feel 10 times better about my body than when I don't. Not that it worries me so much, what I eat, because as they say what goes in will come out, but I think that to live healthy is very respectable to my body and so it is a positive attitude, though once in a while a leeway to indulgence (afterall life has to be fun), and so I will feel more respectable to life as a whole!

Gourmet (cont.)

Why I have to cont talking about food? Because we eat everyday, it has become such a hot issue unless you don't care about food and all you eat three times a day is cold food.
Yes, people in Singapore and Malaysia eat almost 24-7. It is a past time. When they have nothing to do they eat. The other day when we went out to a coffee shop, there were about 9 Malay food stalls and multitudes of Chinese stalls and all selling like hot cakes. People make such a business out of food. Nobody goes hungry. I leave it to the conscience to answer if there is an element of greed involved. The difference between need and greed is a fine thin line.
I don't think that we should dispel oil or frying from our living, I think to do it in moderation is necessary. Also on the other hand people who are careful about their means of cooking are too selective, they do not get the whole stroke of the gourmet. I still distinctively feel it is about balance rather than lopsided consumption. Of course there is such a thing as substitution but what go would subtraction do?
Finally, I think there are a lot of food theories out there. How we should eat and live. But I don't think everything must first be taken with a pinch of salt. There really is nothing that does not kill. Anything can kill. You can eat a harmless cherry and choke on it's seed. And, yes, die from eating the cherry. I have heard so much about what can maim our health, I wonder why we are all not dead yet. And yes, it may be killing us softly and slowly but I suggest that most htings do wear and tear the body in one way or another. It is moderation that helps to preseve the body and postpone its decaying eventuality. Some say coke killss. Others say stay off oil. There are some who determine to know if BK or Macdonald is better? And all are encompassed by the fear that these empires are set up to kill. Yes they definitely do have a potential. But after that they prosperity will fledge. Let me say, that I wonder this finally, what will kill us first? fear or food?
To be back soon, HG

KL pictures.

internet conection is slow so i have given up posting pictures for now. later.

Gourmet

I am not a food fanatic. Definately not. Sometimes when I have to eat lunch (esp) or any other meal, I feel like it is so routine. I don't see that I am doing it out of necessity but mere tradition. Why should we have three bloody meals in a day or four including supper. I just wish I could eat when I need and as much as I want or not want! Blistering Barnacles and Thundering Typhoons!

Now after this vent of ridiculous babbling, lets go on to GOURMET. Well, you know Singapore is food paradise but sometimes I wish food would not be all reeved up, all the noise and flowers on it. Just a simple meal. Today, I had that for lunch. And I loved that. I felt that it increased my appetite.

It is miraculous thought the different cusines available. The choices given, I believe I will never make a choice. The different measurements upon which different cultures work. I need to think more intricritely on this but one thing for sure, after some thought, I do know that the food made in a culture can help you appreciate it better.

Sometimes choices are fun. Not making too many yet having a good options can really spice up life. Singapore does offer that to an extent, but too much also (errrr) takes the fun out of it and it becomes cumbersome. The problem with a lot of local food though is that it is toooooo oily. Take it from me, it may taste good but it is not worth drinking oil. Maybe if you go to Iraq one can do that but not here where food is abundant and one is spoilt for choice. I feel that local food esp is drenched, soaked, made in oil. And I really feel sick after eating not too much of it. I am turning to other sources available, until I miss the local oilycacies.

Lost in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Ok, new year, new blogger.

I should like to start the new year with answers to some of the questions. I wondered that at the end of my life I will have all my questions answered. I don't think so. As I grow, I seem to have more questions with no certainty of finality.

Anyway, I want to write about something that happened last year when we were in KL. I should love to put some pictures up but not now. Now, I am only in the mood for typing as fast as possible whatever there is that is needed to say. We went to KL with two friends from India. So we were staying in an apartment P&B Darby. Apartment overlook different aspects of KL. I liked the room we slept in it had a clear view of KL buildings. I am not a big architecture critic or anything like that. In fact, the gigantic, grotesque structures do scare me sometimes; the way they awesomely tower over me expanding my minuteness. And the crowded cities overwhelms me negatively. I feel pressured and hardly at ease. Cars flying by and people hurrying incessantly between now and then. You got to stop and catch your breathe every now and then. But putting aside all these negative structures, I think the aspects of a city are also magnificent. The way they look, sometimes shaped from different dimensions. Mostly this tainted windows at the differnt angles reflecting the sunlight. And then the city is also about people living together. Compactly framed almost to suit an ideology- the mordern nomads. Hardly nomadic but still constantly evoloving, upgrading and running through life. And yet all in one place. There is so much more fascintaing approaches to life in a city. I wonder if all the cities of the world have the same aroma-- and stench..

So, we watch the Petronas tower, Twin towers. All really cool, exciting! Yet it send chills up my spine to see the city busking in such gory excitement. And then the shopping, train, food, etc...

What was though a very exhilarating experiance and more personal one was our visit to another side of KL- Chinatown. I thought it would be as boring but alas! down with my skepticism! I was rebuke with that experiance. Chinatown is cramped and jammed. The multitude of people and the slow pace at which that thin human line squeeze through the small tentages of busisnesses. One never touched anything until one was sure she was going to get it. You touch and they press upon you to get it! Run! Flee! It was as if this people had such hard dignity when it came to fighting for life. Another kind of dignity- uncouth dignity. The revelation of the market. Every one for his own survival. I learn the trick and skill of bargaining. YEA! If you don't push it down I will just go to another and then we will get on with life. Walking around flaunting the power of demand so that I could push down the equilibrium price. Economics seems so real amidst the sweat and toil of the night heat and humidity and the scram at which every one was just doing as he saw fit. In essence, it was the rat race. TRADE. Merchants for the right price. I felt as if I was fighting for my survival- monetary survival. Alright, it was not that bad. But it was very tense, even mentally I was on the edge; physical I was strain and emotionally I was vexed.

I liked that experiance because firstly it was cruel yet real. So like everything I know is out there but scrapped off the outward superficiality. It was human beings at its worst and yet best- cunning foxes, wise foxes; however you see these brutes you know deep down when man are left in the survival of the fittest, out there in this modern jungle, it boils down to selfishness. But then maybe, just maybe for a tiny second there was humanness in that selfishness- the way people fought for their lifes. In that moment some things in life just stringed togehter so sensiblely.

After a while, I was tired. When we back that night, I really felt relief; I was safe in the apartment on the 13 story. I had a few success stories of good bargaining deals.

Dark Abyss

I am sad. Because just when I thought this was the end. It is going to not end. It was only suppose to be for a while but apparently it was probably never meant to be. I don't know why I am writing it here. But where can I lament on the pillow? I just want to stare at the empty space and go off... It was the maybe the most trying time but it was the best so far. How do you put a fullstop, I thought it was just to be a comma.

Pharisee writes:

I BLOGGED THIS WEEK, SCUM OF THE EARTH!!! (JUST FOR YOUR LONG SIGHTED EYES TO READ.)

Still reading Mill's essay. But I am enjoying it. Last chapter now. Too much to think about to write now. Though I wrote some this week... Went to the seaside. Laugh a lot. John Donne's poems are meaningful. I like them. I learn a phrase this week: I have eater more salt than you have eaten rice. And I love the rain, it is cats and dogs now. If only I can go out. I am missing a lot of people now. If everything was settled quickly, at least I can sleep in peace. But who am I to complain. I really believe in Individuality and thus the Liberty of the Individual. We are so wanting in developing that.
An individual, HG

On Liberty- John Mill

"Socrates was put to death, but the Socratic philosophy rose like the sun in heaven, and spread its illumination over the whole intellectual firmament. Christians were cast to the lions , but the Christian church grew up a stately and spreading tree, overstopping the older and less vigorous growths, and stifling them by its shade. Our merely social intolerence kills no one, roots out no opinions, but induces men to disguise or to abstain from any active effort for their diffusion. With us the heretical opinions do not perceptibly gain, or even lose, ground in each decade or generation; they never blaze out far and wide, but continue to smolder in the narrow circles of thinking and studious persons among whom they originate, without ever lighting up the general affairs of mankind with either a true or a deceptive light. And thus is kept up a state of things very satisfactory to some minds, because, without the unpleasant process of fining or imprisoning anybody, it mantains all prevailing opinions outwardly undisturbed, while it does not absolutely interdict the exercise of reason by dissentients afflicted with the malady of thought. A convenient plan for having peace in the intellectual world, and keeping all things going on therein very much as they do already. But the price paid for this sort of intellectual pacification , is the sacrifice of the entire moral courage of the human mind."

The considerations of this passage are profound. And the consequences dire because inevitably are we creating or destroying our moral courage and that of our posterity. Truth will always shine but it is us- our age and reason that suffers. Our dignity and uprightness or lack thereof that will be scorn.

Is society already judging courage or cowardice?

Another entry (Oct 28)

I want to write and I can't. That is the worst feeling. So many thoughts jam in my head. Really, that is vexing. Watched Pride and Prejudice again. This time it was more boring than the previous time. Reading the book is different, I do not feel tedious. But still it was fun seeing the BBC production. It encapsulated more substance and beauty than other versions.

Jane AUSTEN is a brilliant writer. Her depiction of characters and faults is so subtil. Her sense of humor makes it enjoyable and readable. Once one takes up the book it will take a great deal to put it done. When I read her book, I feel the power of words engulfing me like smoke.

Really though I think her book is less about love more about discerning character, unfortunately most movie producers capture the storyline- the romantic part and really that is nothing more than a fairytale. We have seen it told over and over again, nothing outstanding.

The haze has subsided a lot. With the help of a lot of rain. I am so grateful to God. It is nice to be able to go outside again without worrying of retribution (lung cancer!) I already feel much better than always. I did not know how the weather could play a big role in our lives. I can't wait to go to the seaside once the air clears itself up. Other then the occassional hiccup, I feel quite revitalize and chirpy. Once in a while I come across thoughts I rather not meditate about, often when I am alone. But I hope it will soon clear itself up like th haze with help from the rain.

And Rmt if you read my blog, I hope you will be consistent in blogging!!!! Next, I am tring to get a type writer because I heard somewhere that it is much more conducive for writng than a laptop. And third what do you think of Ithiel Thomas?? (I am serious. They are really considering it.)

Philippines: Pictures or Memories

I thought that I would never have the opportunity to visit the Philippines. When I went away, it was like erasing the thought all together. Home was far away now; how much more the thought of visiting that country. I wanted to go there because I have heard much from people who have been there. Everybody who saw life there somehow felt it's pathetic state and their blessings. I wanted to experiance that deeply.

I did not get much time there to get a taste of life... so maybe I should go again one day for the whole thing..

But at least here are a few memories and pictures I took with me:

The street child- three small children, frighten bones in oversized clothes, sliming aganst the wall across from where I sat eating my breakfast in the city of San Jose. Nobody saw them because nobody wanted to. It was just another part of life we never intended on having. Quietly, the barefooted ones made their way up and down, the uncovered parts of their boies and their hairs were covered with the dust. I imagine them walking along the Philippines road. What were they looking for? food? water? then the sat aginst the wall, the younger clutching firmly his brother's hand. was he afraid? We approached them. In Tagalogue. But they hid unde rhteir over sized clothes. They did not ask for money or food. They just kept dreadful silence. What would you want? Was it not just a passing moment. I thought of snatching out my camera. I stop. At least I would not still their dignity- or maybe it was already gone. But they were not artifacts of Philippines. They were her bane. And yet they never asked to be. I sat on the bench and rested my head on its metal bar. After a while I realized that someone was sitting to my left on the side walk. I turn, there was a boy, a street child, to be exact, he was playing with the sand. Here and there pushing the sand in and out. I looked at him and he did not seem to mind my staring. Seems as if he was oblivious. For a long time he sat there just doing what he was doing. I put myself in his shoes and could he be bored. Maybe pity was not what they want? Maybe this was their life? How could I demean it? But I could see outside, was there not so much more to it. Would that so much mor emake one happy? maybe good food and a shower would for a season- was htat not what humans did? I turn and asked the lady, why? how do they survive? She said "irresponsible people." and "only the best survive". A chill ran down my spine. It sounded all too familiar.

When we traveled the dusty roads of Philippines, someone inevitably had to bring out in comparison to Singapore. I really felt we could enjoy it with out that comparisons. So we all look out of the van's window decided we would open the windows. It was so dusty. The padi fields were vacant, drenched in water, I suspect the recent typhoon there in Manila. Nobody was sighted in the fields. It was desolate. Once upon a time, I could tell it was the hope, life and dream of a man and his family. Now it was a curse. Their sorrow. And empty stomachs. Then when we traveled throught the busy town roads. The choas. It felt redeeming to me at first. It was everybody gone mad. Insanity was a quality. Dusty and Humid, we toiled like a snail. Horns blaring in every direction everywhere was a four way traffic. I would love to take driving lessons there because it is frivolous. I sat on the jeepney and tricycle. The tricycle was exhilarating, snaking its way. And they were all over. all of them finding the nitch at every portion like a jigsaw puzzle changing its pattern before you or those shape-games. triangle and square and one unknoe shape- maybe hexagon. I felt like children's play on the real roads. Lawless society. The jeepney was their bus and everyone of them had their name. Tortises on the road. I had fun sitting on them!! But I would never imagine that everyday. I cme back to the place we resided weary from all the hassle!

After sunset...

It is easy. Too easy to denounce. It is easy. Too easy to shrug everything off. The more I look at it the more I see...

There are those conversations that are light hearted but far from superficial. There are things not plastic that can be said to those who are.

...I see myself caught in a game that I have made up for myself. It holds anchor deep. Someone said light leads to the depth where darkness beholds...

The lamentable things the human kind convert after. Knowing it is fading beauty, passing glory. People hold out their smiles, they hardly mean it. It is the handshake of deceit.

... I begrudge them because I cannot see the other side of the panel. I feel that crossing their path is mixing everything up. Like a fool, I succumb to my own rigid chains. It is so hard to ammend because I am afraid to start form scratch, I refuse to see that I am wrong...

It is the game of betrayal. The game where the first to lose is the biggest winner. As we climb the stairs to heaven or maybe descend it to hell, we forge identities. Breaching every rule we create.

I doom my own soul with fear. Every minute with pain. Because I smell before I see. I defeat it's reasons before I acknowledge it's prescence...

Yet in all these we care about the insignificant. Hope for the minimal and die like the animals. Life thrust is death and all that leads to it. A bag of bones.

I recommend to myself the prescription of hope and live. The joy to put away. That starts by changing every idea, of letting fear go and abiding by forgiveness. It is the lessons I pick up but the fears that I drown.

An apology is given. And I mean to keep my word. No matter how many times it fails, by the end of this period it will be through.

Writing-

INSPIRATION is very unique and much needed. But the question that perplexes me is how to sustain inspiration. Obviously because of itsuniqueness it uis difficult to sustain. Everytime I set out to write, I feel inspired. The next day or the next week that inspiration and penning spree would have been lost to the wind.

Writing serves a purpose different from direct speech and even media influences. It survives time more influentially. Furthermore, it accomodates and enhances the thought process for the reader. So much has been said about the good of reading. But the act of writing from the writer's perspective. It is so much easier to think sometimes say thoughts. But writing explores more than creativity. Cajoling proper and exactness, sometines venturing to explore our person and a form of undeniable excess into anything, writing is ultimately a freedom. FREEDOM from things within and without. It begins and continues, knows no bounds and has no definition, its form is immense and benign. At the same time, its effect on the writer can shape much and trhe world and yet leave little impact on everything outside though often it causes the world catastrophic corners.

Why do I write? I write because I love the way my hand moves on pen and on the key board. I write because I feel the freedom. I write because it si a contribution. But ultimately, I write because I feel the inspiration and the way of expression frees my thought, soul and energy in the way I know best.

Of course anyone is entitle to their say of writing. It's pros and its cons.

Finally I understand our Differences

I am back in Spore. Unexpectedly for a break. 4 months. And already barely a week, I am wishing it was over. Not because I do not love home. In fact home is the saving grace but Spore is a new perspective. While I am at it let me introduce that we are starting construction on the IR. At the same time, the IMF/WB meeting is currently underway. Singapore ban the presence of at least 20 activist which left the WB unhappy. The full process of the institution is not just the meeting but the prescence of all forms of participation including those of the activist. Singapore, however felt that their prescence would endanger the safety and decroum of life here and so they prohibited their entering Singapore.

In my room with the windows open sometimes I hear children screaming and babies crying. I hear the vulgar talk of the neighbor below and the chatter of idle housewives. It occurs to me that life for them is a deceit. It is the everyday and care of the self and around, the gossip and the perception. It is the outward and the form. The make and the built. Everything else is sequential or negated. When I went out the oppressive cold stare or the let of regard of human survival, I could not take it. Nobody said good morning,nobody smiled, nobody look at people and saw it was a human being. No. It was all about moving fast, making money, saving face, looking good and frontal vision. I saw the herd and I moved out of their way. Everybody evaded me but it was nothing personal towards me. It was personal to them. I wanted to help, to smile but I felt like the wall again pressed into whiteness. Ostracized because I walk too slowly, evaded because I smiled. So I am very conflicted if I should pick up pace, stop looking around and wipe that smile off my face. Becasue after all is it not a culture of comformity, of blending in and being part of the herd and of saving face.

Yes, I am so sick of it. I am not for rebellion of revolt. Or ostentaciosity and pompousness. I just think we should take our time to be sincere beings. We should realize that civilization exsist for the being and not the being for civilization. The world was created for men. Why not slow down and try to be yourself. I am trying though I may not be the most perectly sane, we don't have to be colourful about it. Just a simple smile on your face instead of a rigid, tight, self concious, intimidating look might do miracles for you. Forget the cosmetics and forget the latest fashion, it is what you are that can change the tide, it si cheer that may save the one you never met.

Ghost Month

Imagined nightmares inflicting my thoughts of rest. can't run, the distance is too much and I am too weak. I have left off running for too long. they say things are not black and white but nobody really explains what to do. wish I knew the answer. I am confused and stupified by the thought of going thru the imagined nightmares.

the ghost are coming. they are waiting like how people wait at the arrival halls. they are anticipating, impatiently. I remember when I was young, during competition, chains were attached to my legs. and I could not for years overcome that barrier. Lossen the chains! But, alas. Till the day there was no anticipation, no ghost staring, nobody at the arrival gates with an evil glare and the sign board that read- Hannah. Painted in black and with the scent of deciet and rounded words.

My life is chained. Ball bearings pulling me down to the center of the earth from fear. I want to fly into the shadows, sparse cry of the after rain and grassland capturing my imaginations and running the last lap with sweat drnching my face and still feeling like I woke up, just.

I want to fly over the hurdles and prove. I want to spit in your face. turn my head. no it is not a spit of a contempt. I just want to gain back what you have taken by no right. Snatched from my hands when I was a child. The right to myself. You took the key to my room and all I want is it back. And, ghost, I am coming back for it. It is up to you to hand it to me peaceably or I would fight for it. scream and punch. I am energize. Sedated with electricity.

The story is long and repetitve. But the ending will be swift and daming. It will snatch you like fire and smite your withered carcasses. It would finish what was not eaten. The body is battered but it is not dead. WHY DON'T YOU LOOK ME IN MY EYES!!! It begins at the arrival gates. It begins from the journey. But it conquers the imagined nightmares. It shatters your vase in smitherings. It burys you where you deserve. Your nitch in this world.

Comprehenision problems

Waking up in mine own skin. Etched in yesterday's nightmare. I can scarcely ran. Where is the new beginning promised?

I am living shadows away. The cunning beast is here to snatch whatever cheer rises with the sun. I just want to be. Is that too much to ask...

I really don't know what happened. Something snapped and still lingers the aroma of death. Why do I get so tired of living? There are too many bathrooms. Too many insignificant desicions. They bother substance. But then I do not want big choices. I just want to sleep on the sand, I want to hear the noise of the waves crashing against the shore but withheld from me and be at rest. Is this retribution? I am guilty of crime and I am trying to run away from it but it seems to keep up with me. I have lost my speed and the breeze of running.

Shuttle

The esclipse of the sun. This morning I mange to be tired and sleep till about 8 that is good. Last night people making noise outside mine window really irritated me because I had a headache and this people could not let me sleep in silence and I tried to hear music and sleep but no, I could not. I was so tired, whole day and my head was trobbing with pain. My eyes were fuming with sleep. This morning after shower, I ate a choc. Kisses.

It feel as if I am still alone. But I feel happier today. Hopefully, it lasts. I feel as if my strength is slowly ebbing in not out. I am on the verge of hysteria and getting very mad with people. That will be a sign of energy.

It scares me that I don't know what is happening. I don't feel like a person. I was talking to someone about the theme in the hall "Creatively Discovering The Individual". I tell you if I could discover what is with me now let alone discover it creatively, I would be rejocing.

I wonder do people bear? I think from their eyes and talk to me. They do.

thoughts

It is very bad to take oneself out of something. I always do that. I am happy and everybody is then I have to spoil the show. It is so irritating and I know everybody is irritated by it. I wish I wasn't like that. It is at times like this that I HATE myself!!!
I am so tired and I want to sleep!!!

Thank God! The pieces are all falling back together!

I am Back. and everyone is slowly falling back. sometimes, space seem to make everything much more new! much more pleaasant. But of course I can say that now, now that it is FINALLY over! Thank God for tiding me over the worst falls. It may be the parts that will hardly be called up in the remembrance of life, but it is when you know what sticks does stick. It is the part that you learn about what matters and what does not. Reflections that bring me to understand what really is it I want.

And now it seems to be over!! Thank God. I am so sad to be away from home. Last night, I was just mulling over it before I fell asleep at 5pm. Why does good never survive time? Why can't I have it all? I already miss home by a multitude of sandbags. I already thinking about the next time I will go back. I am already Back.

And now I am Back. I am happy.

I am lost amidst two worlds trying to find a proper footing on both. What a fool! (Gladly??)

Flying, flying and grounded. yea, it has been a while. and already so much has come and gone. I am back at school after a whip of a trip home. Last night was awful, I am glad it is over. The morrow is here and I am waiting to unpack. The room structure is weird and I am thinking of means and ways to put this in order. Any brilliant idea?

School is starting- what a thought! I already feel it creeping behind me its devious eyes bend on getting to me. But I won't let it bother me now.

Funny incident happen at the airport when i arrived. There was this family with a board that read: Welcome to America Hanna! and already it was weird enough. So I walked past them laughing in my head. And as if they peeked into my head they turned around and asked me if I was Hannah. Erm, errrrrr... dumbfounded! have a laugh.

On a serious note, does names and people have a link?? Do I look Hannah-ish?

The intricate human understanding of the other.

I have been away for some ages. Studying, studying and pretending to. What has develope in this small plot? Nothing much. What has develop in the big universe. alot of small things and alot of huge, time defining things. I wonder if the lost of someone I have never seen matters. Of course, being a Christian, it would matter for eternity. However, what is a death that never was alive. People die everywhere, everyday. I could pretend to feel the pain of the invisible but it is pretend.

I would be ignorant to think this world was a paradise. Somebody, somewhere is wallowing and somebody somewhere is rejoicing. Both share a moment of being the extreme. Both share the moment of divine injection. What is feelings? Do they exsist?

Sometimes it is so hard to realise that people do not feel as we do. What makes one happy may not make another. Is there such a thing as a universal humanhood. I cannot imagine nor apprehend. But I am trying to overcome.

Being in the distance is a human concept that we are who we are. We cannot pretend to feel a loss that never exsist nor can we ignore the feelings of loss. Though, we can truely love what is present. Is that not honesty and sincerity. And in between that we have a human contract that bonds us into a connection. How can we ignore that. We know that and that is how we know malice and joy for others. No hiding under ignorance nor from pretence. The truth prevails.

Pain is besutifully lonely. Lonliness is beautifully painful.

The darken shores

Of the humid night

Sea wind blowed

Under moonlight

Simulitude of peace

In all agony

Thickens natures voice

Painful beauty

Out there: a small dingy

Sailor willing the boat forward

Lasting eternity

Determined byword

the picture in my mind

Consider.

We are one week away from closing this American political science class. I am ready to get a break from studying but i must say that this has been enlightening and thought-provoking class. From what I have learn so far, it came across to me that the beauty of the american system may be its vulnerability as well. When the constitution was written, it was written with much gaps created. it is really disputable why this gaps were never filled by the men who created a political document which is the basis of a great nation political stability and a structure for many replicas. the greatness of this document and its influences on the ideas of democracy can not be undermined. But one conspicuous item present is the briefness and vagueness of the document. It could really have been because of the inability to reach a compromise without wrecking the peace and unity that had descended on New England after its narrow escape from not just the english monarchy but also from the articles of confederacy. The most basic and agreeable things were put to ink on paper but even that so little was written and specifics were not mention was the bone of contention. it is understandable that so much focus and strife was produced considering the questions we take lightly today we a major part of life then and the freedom possess by americans are still not very discribable except that americans have inherited their forefathers individualistic attitude and need to secure their freedom tighted then anything else.

However, whatever happen then, to fill the paper with gaps have definitely been a benefit of the freedom to interpretation and freedom for time to change. Above all, it "proves the foresight of the authors" to see that time and tide will change and that new difficulties they could not comprehend would be born. In short, it was their humbleness to recongnize that they are only human and can never appreciate the full scope of the issues.

Call it a blessing but call it a curse as well. Depending of from which angle you view the issues at hand. One thing it sure has provided, is the jobs of politicians, schemers, strong opinions and ideologies, bill after bill and the courts. In its wake it has left two very strong partisan ideologies that contrast at the steepest point possible. To its name, the controversevy surrounding every hole and corner that human intelligence has seek to open and break forth. It is not about changing laws, its about enlightening us on the gaps and interpretations that could be formatted to suit the circumstances.

Conflict is sometimes the most tiring thing we have to go through, but we would have it take us to the end of the world, to the highest cloud and to the deepest ocean to see ourselves defeated. Completely defeated. Six feet underground. It is not surprising, the controversey that can arise from the briefest political constitution ever. It would be good to consider, when we contemplate when we make our political opinions and take sides that really that is much more to see. Only if we look out of our windows, appreciate the air on everest and the lack thereof in the depth of the ocean that we come to realize others view point. That we go throught the conflicts and struggles that are just text book to us, that we taste the spice of another land, that we understand the other camp. I am not suggesting a flight to the dark corners of Africa or the beaches of South East Asia. I am hoping that we would use our wisdom like the writers of the constitution to learn to leave some gaps, to remember to everything we know there is some ignorance still and to every other thing the room for error and grace. It would better for us to learn to listen before we open the wrong gap and forget to close them. It would be foolish and contemptable. There is right and wrong just as there is left and right but it is good to think and question before we conclude in unmistakable certainty, leaving the doubt that all information has not be shown us, all light has not been shed, all corners been exposed. That day has but yet to have broken forth upon us. At the same time we cannot play diplomats always and let snipets of truth go by us without acknowledging that its truth is the truth. After all, its the uprightness of the lack of compromise that solves the disputations. It is the honesty to let go and regain what is rightful that wins respect and gains knowledge. Always remembering that to everyman is given the right to "life, liberty and property".

Encouragement.

The Gift of Love and Life

Lying on the cross
Bloody Pulp of heaven
The Saviour of Love
And a chance given

Renewing of hope
Nailed onto a dead tree
Brewing tears into life
Forsaken for me

Forgiveness taught in gruesome—
Tale of Redemption
He comprehended
The cycle of destruction

He knew history and eschatology
And in seeing all
He still decided it was worth it
To give dashed creation more

It took so much for so little
A birth—
I cannot comprehend
But I will try to love

If I was given a chance
To live as He did
I could try to emulate
But never live up to it

I am given life
Sometimes, I feel like packing
But then, I am reminded
He was not paid for loving

give me privacy for a while, please!

living here, sharing a room with someone makes you appreciate more about privacy. growing up, i think that was something i never really had, so unlike most people i am more use to being around a crowd. but just because i'm used to it does not mean that i enjoy it. i think once in a while, it is good to be alone. once in a while, we want a little space of seclusion. it is getting harder and harder as we progress and become a more globalized, socialize and inter-everything world to find a little quietness for the individual. retrospection and comtemplation is a bygone century of loneliness and withheldness.

personally, my sister and me shared a room. and there were always a lot of people in and out of my house, due to my father's work. sometimes virtue strangers, sometimes people i grew up with. all cramped into that little house. space was scarce just like in spore. privacy is expensive,highly regarded and extremly protected. i found my private space in my writing, my thoughts and in the perfectly well kept bathroom (thx to my guardian/matron).

sometimes i hear comments like "it must be hard having to stay with a roommate". acknowledgablely, much of privacy is having an enclosure and hideout from the everybody and anybody. but more than always, espcially in our present predicament it is almost impossible to have the silence of the heart from the heartbeat of society. everyday is an interaction with the world, socialness is much saluted attribute. even in our enclosed room sometimes a whiff of the outside creeps in, like the blaring music of the inconsiderate neighbour or the interruption of dogs barking. in the morning all the way till you close your eyes and are lost in the peak of sleep, where for once we are shut away from the intense heat of being part of the world and even that sometimes is invaded. even the usual quietness of the moonlight has been suppress with the desire for socialization and the company of a gathered social group. what with cell phones, the internet, instant messaging and blogs (such as this)!! we are so unfarmiliar with being alone that we cannot live without buzz, we are desprate for company and there are replacement even when we are left alone in an enclosed space. movies, music, computer games, internet, etc... you name it.

yet, though our age frowns and is unfreindly to privacy, i still think it is part of our nature to need a space for it. privacy is more than being locked alone in a room. privacy is the individual appreciating its exsistance and communicating within. come to think it, except for the seconds of sinking back to reality, anything close to that is non-exsistant.

i am not saying companionship, love, socialization is to be put aside. God only knows, how much we all need that. but an excessive of company, that sometimes is also like a pleasure that is built of sand, an inordiante amount of busying ourselves and keeping pace without taking time to cater to the soul is a fault.

i, myself, have to be much faulted with this. but this pass month or so. i come to relish the walk underneath the moon, background of water and the darkness surrounding, fresh air and half an hour or more of privacy. it is not lonliness, too much of this medicine is reproachable as reclusive not privacy. privacy is not lonliness. lonliness is when we long to fellowship, but privacy is differentiated by being at peace. when anything else is intruding. when we are busy with a thought or two. when we are not idle. when we are taking care and reflecting on things. musing within. alone but not lonely. learning about ourselves. understand and regretting privately. it is finding the individual.

sometimes, in this busy, populated everday life, amidst a crowd we are alas, lonely. and individuality in this context is not about standing out. it is about stooping down really and running out of the bustle.

so, now take a step back and see if i am right. yea, privacy is needful, even physical privacy.

there are days i think about home.

there are times, when i stop to think and i find reality shocking. if i was asked if i missed home. the answer in the slimplest form would be "of course!!". on the other hand, home is also a state of mind. it is where my body is at rest in an inertia. where there is no tilt or twist.

the peaceful, reconciled of mind. like they say peace is really from within, it is hard to define home. my home, the place i was born and grew up in singapore-

before i knew it, that was gone. sometimes, you get the traveling bug and you excrutiate over the stand still moments but when time has passed u realized that momentus tsunamis are not very fun either. what we want really is a balanced with periods of short tidal waves really.

increasingly, more and more people are traveling and many professions now require traveling. journey has been much shorten however distance has also increased. singapore is 28 hours away and that is just traveling time. when i first came here it took me 48 hours- an improportionate amount of which was spend in the airport. nonetheless, excitment kept me alive. i read, thought and wandered about at almost every stop after all i had to sit like a sardine in the plane rides for hours longer than Add Math lessons. home is far, far away and seemingly not just in distance but in time as well. it seems that years has come and gone since home was a home. but home in spore is somehow still home. when i think and long for rest. for sleep. i dream on lying on the blue coach with lobo streaming from the Bose player and my head resting on a pillow a hand underneath after a hard day of homework and putting aside the fact that there was still a ton to do. sleeping in that evening heat and waking up to the dark windy night and maybe the night lights-

it occured to me that events do occur in the same house but the images of home are specific. the pictures are fixed, the people playing in and out of it are specific and there i find what home means to me.

i have a room here, i have a desk here, i have a bed here but home is far away. these are not bad days. i do have a lot of fun. i do have a lot of time to myself. i do have pictures. i am in transit. a time of thought, reflection and wandering. loitering around the airport. but it is not final destination. i know one day, the picture in my head will be just a memory. home is where i find comfort in lying on the bed not in memories, home is where i am comfortable in terriblely smashed up clothes soaking in the afternoon heat. home is where there is comfort and solitude in the mind. where i feel love is presence and present. where there is no before or after, where i am living the moment without consequence for the after or the past. where history is for the intellectual and tomorrow the astrologers. and I, I am home today.

life is wandering. and i bear the rustle of the leaves with the youth of independence, with the urge and passion for the sun. i treasure the independence of the time and distnce that keeps me away. i see life as a beginning, the days as a start. my steps are crunching the cement and my heart is blowing with the moments of the one and only.

but then again, there is a sequence, there needs a replenishing of water when i thirst. home is not a miss, it is waiting. it is a state of mind. it is knowing that there is a bed waiting if i fall. it is knowing that there blankets that i can cuddle into and shut out the light. it is knowing that i do not miss it for it is there. it is knowing that it exsist in mine heart not just as a memory but a reality, an attachment, a part of me. the love for the dwelling, moments that i had and the people who make it possible.

there are times, when i want to go home really bad. there are times when you cannot see the prayers of the soul. but in these moments it is when I know that what exsist must first exsist in my heart. then maybe, the moments are not so unbearable. one day these will be potions of the my heart which no time, distance or feet can take away from me. not even myself. it is simply not replacable.

questions and questions: who are we???

i was reading an article today about american students holed up in a basement of the american university in beruit, lebanon where war seems the only way to describe the violence that has struck like lightning setting on fire the old, sore wounds.

the american students said she was very scared. anyway, recently no thanks to my political science class i have been thinking about why people care about things? why do we care about others, environment and the animals? or why do we care for democracy to spread or why do we care to vote? life is short and already complex. why keep increasing the state of complexity.

maybe becasue inevitably, this things do affect our life in one way or another. it has its own indirect hold on our life and maybe because we have a conscience? are the motives pure or selfish? i have a feeling even the most political correct answer is a result of some linking tentecles or pure abject fear of retribution? deep down the human anatomy is really selfish! i am not the all-seeing or all-knowing scientist of man's reasoning, but in trying reasons i don't seem to come to one where there is purely no motive.

for myself, i am more confused. why do we choose to live. or is it our choice? why do we struggle to live? do the human constitution require us to be challenge to enjoy something. without competition is life not worth it? without the humdums of society, can we not find ourselves? maybe we are really characterize by the outside rather than the inside, the outside retrives a reaction from inside, from the deep recesses of the soul. just like a magnet: to create a south pole, you have to use a north pole, but not necessarily maybe that opposite poles are installed in our condition.

people all trying to built camps. what identifies us? and they think they know you. they think they know it all, pretending to be the wise and scheming. when it is all selfish and nobody really means a thing. it is all a showcase. sometimes when i look at myself, i see someone i cannot even explain. and all this catergories "about me:" in this friendster and face book thing. do you expect to incoporate a life time into words or personality or character into a section. the answers to ourselves... do we really know ourselves? and does anyone really know us? acceptance in society may not be us. we seem to approach life more as a role that we are built up to play, either that or nothing. maybe that is why life is so excrutiating, it drives out the breath in me because it is a job i have to live with almost day and night. a encompassing relationship.

there are days i dream about escaping it all. of building an ironclad invisible ship to float myself into a sleep. explain myself?? what is myself on a scale, do i compare myself with word created. but i do experiance the uttmost emotions, the dragging of intense description within the soul. somethimg that tells me that i am alive. not just to cry or laugh but also to hold on and let go, to bound missing words into a everlasting dreams. that is me, hardly a character...

evaporating feelings make room for others. maybe life is an emotion, ever changing.. people change? two negatives make positive so if everbody changes and it is a odd number, we end witha change but if it is even, no change. and really how do you know i change? what was before and after?? and i am even more confused.

i don't think leaving answers out is right but do we really know the answers to everything. what are we to do. where is the break and where is the limit and where do we even start. the more it seems a never ending process of entaglement. the haze does not seem to clear out after the rain.

all i can i conclude is that being lost is not a desire neither real answers bring peace. even solomon had ever possible gift, was there an answer in those answers. i wish i could go to sleep, on a pillow clad in comforting hands. telling me that i won't have to wake up to another day of entanglement. to conflicts afar, in beurit and near, all around me... and the ceaseless man talking, dgging, plucking talk... oh God!!!

my take...

today, i set down thinking about my life. what an obscure thing to do. think about my life. i mean basically i am short sighted and not ominpotent. but here i stood frail as i am trying to think about life, specifically mine.

so i will relate my findings. if any makes sense at all...

i realized that there is so much that i have tried to block out. the truth stings and yes, taunts hurt. when you hear them and keep hearing them and you cannot make them go away. so you try to push them away, the more you push it to the back the more they etched in your heart. like your hand pressing on a sore spot, deeper and deeper. they seemingly get quieter towards the outside. things that will never come out no matter how much you want to get it off your chest. no they are buried deeper than the carcass. sitting there underneath the earth, alive but buried. yea, buried alive. they don't sting all the time but their ghost comes out. the stench worst then a carcass at times to haunt you.

come to think of it, i was always one step behind. too slow to get to the real hting. always the loser. bloody loser. sitting htere waiting for the time and chance to come. and worst, grabbing at the wrong thing. it is exactly how i take the escalator or join the queue. i always tell myself to let everyone go first. what was the point of joining the bustle, getting push and shove. i waited till everyone was gone and then i grabbed at it. one step to slow again. what a loser!!

i could have been part of everything but no i had to be slow, what a coward! was i afraid, if so what was i afraid of?

now the taunts come back to me and at that point in time i could push it back. it gave me energy to focus on the things i wanted, diverting the force. but the tremors, it is still here. just like you can change and divert hte energy but you cannot destroy it. it is no more kinetic energy the moving force that propels me, it is potential, buried in the substance and i cannot get rid of it sometimes it comes out as kinectic and then the dragon goes back to sleep. deadly, who knows fatal. when will the hour come?

i could have been part of everything, leading the pack of wolves, the master schemer, i had everything it took, but i always missed it. loner shacklers. no mud to fill my place. cause even the mud cease to be associated with me. even the mud knew that i all i did was stupid choices.

or was it all a bunch of foolish calculations. mistake after mistake. you know, there is no real way to calculate is there. out of it, there are somethings i don't regret about. so many things in life happen and out of it all providence. you will never have some part without the other. and would you exchange it. it is hard to say. maybe you would know at hte end of your life. so why sit here and try to view life already. something profunctry, seeing that hte equation, the path has not ended. 18 years, is it a beginning, it seems long and tomenting and think of eternity... it could be a dread or marvel and both are just words to fill a space. cause really they can harly be describe. can they?

and yes it struck me about that poem by Frost, The Road Not Taken.

It suddenly rings into my head and i presume i understand the poet.

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

we can only have one life, only one destiny, only one chance...

Then took the other, just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

we always want to be special, to miss the crowd, and sometimes to evade the glaring mistakes and sometimes to be ourselves and sometimes we just want to be different. but really life is life. we are not the only ones that had want it. and maybe, if it be so in our life time, time and outcomes, pales us into insignificance. the world and spectrum is so big for the puny being. he hardly realizes his own desires are but emulations.there is nothing new, no new inventions, no new dreams. they have long been...

Oh, I marked the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back.

we only have one story and sometimes, what is the point of looking back. some mistakes can never be corrected. maybe it is better that way. less complicated. do u not think so? what if the short sighted and nervous freaks we are, fickled desicions.. no end to the chess game is there... erm...

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

with a sigh, no fully of regret, it is a mixture of the realization that it is all contempt and wonder. that at one point we thought that that is THE thing. but alas, you fool, 1000s had gone beforw and will come after... sigh... what is it. we thought that at one instant it is a defining moment and yes there are defining moments. but life is also a journey made out of some defining episodes and some comparatively, we think, insignificant pieces. nay but hey are its, Life's, composite, genetic make up. one without the other is not it. and what has the difference come up to. i hardly say the tone is resign or happy... it is more of mellow and content. content with being at peace internally. like an old man telling this to a young jumpy. the difference... is barely a differnce. we all come back to the road and stare at it. form the other way up...

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

we had looked at it before. how was the walk? but anyhow would we know the difference? maybe when we meet again. just remember to blog about it.

affter thoughts...

after one day, reality has sunk in. france lost the WC, italy won it. life goes on. but somewhere between that, fans consider the events of the worlds greatest game greatest tournament. it started off promising and ended...

for me, it was very dissappointing. despite the flavours involved and all the hype, football at its best failed to be deliver to our hearts content. italians fans may be rejocing but seriously, there is nothing to gloat about. french fans may be wallowing in the red card and what a pity...

th rest of us settle down after the WC.

what went wrong? like everything else soccer has its uos and downs and so do its actors. the players were disappointing sometimes despite their talent but more so FIFA. the official officials failed the body they represent: soccer. what a sorry reminder that maybe somebody should shake up FIFA from top to bottom.

the finale to a lousy WC

Ok to finish up the rest of the finale to the 2006 WC. After an extra time which did not produce any goals, we went into PKs. But the extra 30 minutes did produce some changes. Not only did the french coach take out ribery but he replaced henry as well. And brought in the useless trezeguet. And then about 5 minutes from the end, ZZ earned a red card for head butting the provocative M.

So with this events, we entered the PKs. Yes, a heartbreaking one for me! Of course, trezeguet had to miss one and Barthez could not deny any to the itailians.

It was an italian victory for the 2006 WC. who knows the scandal plague italians might have bribed the italians. i mean i don't know but from what i hear about the seria a it seems possible.

DEFEAT IS SORE.

Second Half of Final

the second half opens with a run from henry followed by a lousy finishing. both sides look to get hte ball into the net and the fans look for both good football and a win for their teams. italy gets a onc in a match time possibility as france commits grevious errors next to the pole. and then france gets a opportunity, henry dribbling the penalty area and setting a very nice low cross to be finished but was never finished by the right player. italy send it out for a corner. in succession two great trys for france. creative and acurate passing with showcase of great dribbling. both times right into the penalty area.

france kept going for the goal with exceptional chances always failing in front of the goal. twice again one after another, the french open themselves up for two goals. they show great showmanship but failed to convert the brilliant runs into goals! which is what we are all waiting in earnest for! ZZ trys to drill one through the italian defence but it is a deflection. time and again, the french takes into the heart of the italian defence, but rome carrys it sheilds well. viera is replaced and the italians are looking two send in two substitutes. the exchanges happen and italy scores!!!! but, oh but, it is OFFSIDE!!! italians are lifted for a second only to realized it is not a goal.

first france takes it on and then italy, but both equally fails! defence for both teams suffers moments of heart failure and fans hold their breathe as the insiatiable apetitie for goals is shown by the quantity of shots on goal especially from france but also display by the crafty italians. And we are just at the 70th minute! what is stupid Clinton doing there!?! ok lets get back to the match...

terrifying chances for both sides and slips by the defence, though with the speed and dribbling it is only assumed to create chaos in the defence. now, italy has a free-kick coming right in front of the goal but they lose the opportunity.

the games appera to get tiresome despite the chances. people are waiting for the goal that will decide the game. ZZ's hand is injured, will it obstruct the french game? we are into stoppage time and still no goals despite the unceasing efforts. it is a dead lock? and it is .

First Half of Final' 06

it took just seven minutes after the whistle had blown for the World Cup final to begin, for france to earn a penalty kick. once again, ZZ took the opportunity to chip the ball into the goal after deftly deceiving the goalkeeper, Baffoon. Not long after, just about 10 minuters later, Italy with the help of M, headed in a corner kick. nicely, equailizing for the italians against the already complacent french team.

though, i am supporting france, it apparently is a good thing because the game picked up pace again. the battle continues. and the mouth-awing game continues to give us heart-stopping moments. the italians look fabulous on set pieces. creating for themselves at least two opportunities to score again the way they equalized by the 36 minutes. fantastic dribbling and fast speed alows fantastic football.

terrific defending by thuram keep sthe italians dreams out. the game is not yet sealed. stoppage time of two minutes does not lead to any goals. and the first forty-five inutes ends the exciting game!

recollecting 7th July. last year about this time...

last year, 7th July, it was after the annoucement in singapore that the next olympics will be held in london... whilst i was enjoying the last moments of life with singapore with my sister (before she headed to london and i to another world)... that terrorism shook the underground stations and bust routes of london.

the joy of winning the bid to host the olympics quickly turn into the gory of bloodshed and the reality of horrors. it may not have the quick jerk that bolted us when the twin towers crashed on our tv screens neither the devastating, unimaginable human toll... but it was the feeling of death that was imbibed on that earthly afternoon in london that was transmitted through BBC and CNN.

one year on and here we are, still living, still combating the jihadist that sneak around us. vigilently and diligently, combing the nooks and corners that they crawl into. with the question: what next?

no, it is not a bad dream. it is life.

one night. i sat down to consider it all...

when you are alone.. the human reaction of being seperated from everything safe. "life, liberty and property" or "the pursuit of happiness" is more than a political acheivement. property refers to the feeling of security from losing everything. i wonder if the meaning of this translates into a personal frame as well. don't you want to be free from worrying that times change and that lonliness will one day be yours? don't you want to be free from the blues of life? do you not want to know the escape of life?

everything changes. someone said "change is the only constant" and yet going through drastic changes and even bigger ones, i never learn to distant myself from the things that ocme my way. i forget to keep my heart in it's place. instead i lend it to everything or should i say give it to all that comes. and then when the wind blows me... my hands are left stretching for the strings that i have attached.

why haven't i learned in these 18 years of life, that times comes and goes. and the ticking clock suggest destiny? looking up to the majestic sky and into the deep sea where all i see is the horizon that my eyes can take in. i understand my finite being.

the enlightment has come and gone. and i wondered if men dream up a dream to hold on to themselves. relatively, we may have a scientific understanding of the earth around us but what about life itself? science has its bearing but it does not stop at that. i would be devastated to find the truth just scientific. because i am not just scientific, i am human being. i have a consiecnce, a reactionary process... i am not a beast or another creation. yes, i am that overbearing creature that belongs to the race that has played everything into her own hand. But life?

the inner emotions. the one that lies on the bed every night. the one alone in the night looking at the solitiary moon sitting in place amidst the stars.

i am one in society, the individual seeking "life, liberty and property". and after everything empirical, i cannot spy it out.

It's my Life!!!!

there come a time in life where we seek to know that we are, who we are. it is all in time to come that things will be fulfilled. the time constrainment of the world that we live in is digging my grave. i realized that in the end, it is not about building a tower or claiming the fortress, ultimately what remains in question at the end of life is have we fulfilled life's meaning.

i do not claim to know the full true to life nor the ans to questions. God does. i can only go where the light has shown. so stop hitting me like i am a beast, stop shoving what u believe down my throat. when everyone swashes me from different poles, i have no where to live. i plead to God, "what do these ppl want from me?!"

the tide and belows of the waves wash over my head. i gasped for air. people mock me for what i believe in and others for what i do not believe in. i m not a following. i m just growing up and trying to find my footing and where God engraves, there i m convicted.

stop the politics!!! stop the shouting. i live in a mad house. in a world where there are so many noises drowning me in an ocean that is so torrent and hungry, it seeks to swallow me, to send me to its depth. God save me!!!

...

Politics. Politics. Politics.
I hope that is not what life is all about.

Sadly, But Truely!

Betide the one that sets forth the feet
Into a sinking ship
The leap
Yes of courage and energy

But alas why cast your net
Among the empty
To get a pat
For being brave?

Nay, but foolish I should think
For what ship has a hole
Will eventually sink
With all its brave ones.

-HG

Diary

Whose life do I have to live? Whose name do I have to adopt? Whose believes and values must I adopt?
I am so sick and tired of people insisting, pushing, forcing me to be what I cannot be.
Oh and taking my words and tearing it apart.
When I can't even put an argument forward... When I am not allowed to question.
Faith? faith is a gift of God. I cannot give it to myself. Neither can you force it. I want it as much as you want me to have it. But who are you to force it? You are not God, don't play Him.

Oh God, why was I even born? maybe, it would have been to have been still born. What is a life when a crowded room is lonely. What is life when my prayers are as vacuum.
No, I don't have the answers to everything. No, I am not a saint. No, I am cannot please everybody, though I have tried all my life to. No, I am not saved.

O God, Thou who art omniportant! If You see the troubles of my heart, my heartbeat and the bumps and squirts. There must be a purpose for everything.

I give up trying to fight everyhting. I am just a sinner, a human, Thy creature. O God!!!! whatelse can I say! Do not withhold Thy showers upon my torn and scrapy skin! Let the rain flow with the anguish on my heart.

Let salvation come Lord for there is no other answer. There is no other hope! O God, when will Thou come...

The reason why I love dogs. They are photogenic.

On Esther's traveler's thoughts

The body weakens with a strange fatigue. Physical symptoms are bystanders. The mental collaspe is more defining. Yet, it is the harder of the two to see and appreciate.
Reading esther's blog today while watching Germany produce a magnificent three goals against Eucador. Yes, I was enjoying. But I was thinking more about her question: do they collide?
http://shortage.blog67.fc2.com/ (read: transit in bangkok)
Do the mindset of the situation overtake us and leaves us for a moment in infinity a stranger to everything else. Even to ourselves. Only to wake up to another morning , to find it a dream. Lost for that time, in a different world. Do they collide?
Evening begins in a different spectrum as the afternoon. Doe s that render us innately and internally different.
How then could we keep to the same mindset?
She was speaking of the traveler? The traveler's mindset. There can be two scenarios, I imagine-
Traveler 1 mindset and Traveler 2 mindset (both belonging to the same individual)
The ultimate difference here is the circumstances and destination. We cannot underestimate the differences here.
Traveler 1 mindset and the mindset of the "sleepy one in class". Yes, the routine. Barely breathing. It is almost a sequestial thing to reply: yes they collide.
But if the mindset breeds in us then we have no worries to mind. For ultimately we adorn that of the mindset we develop inside us. We have to step out and fight against the tide.
Personally, I want the Traveler's Mindset. I want to breathe the sunshine and air. Not walk like a corspe. It is better to be sleepy walking into transit than sleepy walking to school. Without which, we become another material, superficial being. Lost in sleep.
Her ending... hmmm... not too clear.. maybe I will ask her another time...

World Cup Craze

My world cup teams are doing brilliantly except for USA. Today, England trump Trinidad and Tobago, 2-1. Goals came at the tail end of the 90 minute bore game. And then the afternoon match, somewhat similar where Sweden defeated Paraguay! woo-hoo!!! The day before, Germany beat Poland with goal coming in in the last minute. Ole Ole Ole Ole... OOOOle OOOOle...
Now remains for USA. In the desperate match, USA has to deal a blow to European powerhouse, Italy. God Please... Let there be a miracle!!!
HG

BRRRRRR...

Everyone finding their nitch.
Their hole. They scramble like rats, they dig the soil with their claws, scratch at it in fury. Throwing up the soil to the wind.

We all want to survive. Badly.