Sketches

2011-01-28T19:31:00.001+02:00

They ask me why I love the rain
I tell them its like a train
It hits and goes
And you are either on it or not

They ask me why I love the rain
I tell them it reminds me of pain
Smell of soil and toil
And weakness I am made of

They ask me what I love about the rain
I tell them it isn’t the same
Without it the sun rays
The humid, the cold, the life

They ask me what I love about the rain
I tell them you never understand the game
Red skies, dark clouds, sprinkle wind
All hold it in vain

They ask me what I love about the rain
I tell them write me a poem
Scrawl and dribble on paper
Hear the prattles fumble on paper

They ask me why I love the rain
I tell them, “Sorry, I didn’t get your name
But you will never know mine
See, its all about the rain—”

The mood

2010-12-30T11:33:00.002+02:00

This may be my last post for the year. And in these last few days of the year, as is always, people tend towards excitement and anticipation. It is hard for anybody to come to a conclusion where the hype comes from. The festive end and festive beginning that visits the dates of a calender? Or maybe just the sheer magnitude of transition between time? Or dare I venture, the running away from the year and the looking forward to move into another? Maybe it is that we cannot get a finger on what exactly we are feverish about that contributes to our blind enthusiasm. The papers find enlightening comment among the figures of stocks and voluminous increase in shopping figures that accompany this yearly occurence. Statistics for the retail shopping especially from the US consumer and thus the world's biggest market show the cheeriness of the mood. Mood tells a lot.

I found myself shifting from magazines to newspapers, glancing at the eleven hour opinions and reflections: utterance after utterance. What could be left for next year? I had finished up the year with a little bit of wandering myself by plane and road and rail. Mood tells a lot. And when I visited India, I began to understand mood.

This year has been characterised by the mood of the economy and the mood of the consumer and the moods of the markets. There are many ways to gauge the temper and disposition of anything so oscillating. Yet it is the immensity that deserves more careful oversight. The last time I went to India was about 3 years ago. At that time, Slumdog Millionaire was probably in the womb as India took to the stage with the rest of those emergent markets. They were feeling their way into the world economy and finding their footing. They were starting to find their voice and stamp their mark and in the process carve out a share of prosperity for themselves. When we think of China, India, Brazil and a whole list of other contenders we think of what a profound change they have made and anticipate the bigger changes coming around the corner. But if you just flew into Bombay, it is the masses that make you understand the need for change.

I read an article that reflected on the sprawls of industrial campuses materializing in Mumbai (Bombay), Chennai and Bangalore. These are compounds where industries of commerce and technology have been outsource too. Tall, silver-lined, glass compounds that have infrastructure not belonging to the rest of the filthy, brown, shoddy Mumbai. Except for the architecture left by the British and the Taj Mahal everything else so bright is probably recent and cutting edge. India accommodates the rich and the poor in the same breath. They live side by side. That is where compounds come in. Compounds that make India look refurbished and not poor and impoverish. Compounds where probably only 10 percent of India find jobs through those gates. But India, you say, is coming into the age of success and success will take time. It has everywhere else.

That is true. In fact success usually comes after profuse stages of change. And change usually means going back and forth and back and forth. And change is a continuing process. So success has its varied stages too. In the article, the compounds were a measurement of the progress towards success that India has made. Indian companies such as Tata and Infosys need to revamp their image to enhance that same image for the spectacle of both its consumers (including would be consumers) and its employees. It has to barricade itself for its humble beginnings. India is unique from its neighbouring emergent market because it is the private sector that has spurred the furry towards success. More and more Indians, bearing witness to the droplets of rain upon the drought now come in search of prosperity not only spurring themselves in droves to cities such as Mumbai but by championing education amongst their progeny. Education is the new god of India. Like the cow it can be milk. And because it is the private sector that has been the spark of this upward mobility, Indians have come to belief in the power of hard work. To admire the swarming at the local trains plowing Bombay is to see the competitive edge in the beehive of the Indian market, especially in its cities.

India has risen just like many of the emergent markets because of need. For every Indian moving up there are many more waiting at the bottom of the ladder towards success. For every Indian crossing into the gates of heaven through those exclusive compounds, many are still in hell. The mood of these markets is need. It is something that is lacking in the spirit of most developed markets. We don't have the animal spirits reaction. At least, we have lost if for a while.

In a way no matter how much these companies try to server their ties to their motherland and humble beginnings, it is intricately related. The cutting edge is not in its modernity because prior to its success it relied of a hunger that grew from its desperate poverty. The advantage to its efficiency is that it has not have had to over do the glamour. Indian companies have to be careful not to kill the edge by killing what sells in a still depress world economy. Prices have soared because the need is getting bigger more people are starting to eat into a pie. The pie is fast becoming a concentrated swamp. Indians have to rely on their humble beginnings to draw them towards success and not get carried away by the faint scent of success. Compounds are subjective issues. I see them all over these cities. But if companies are focusing awry, the mood in India may change for the worse. And as we see, the mood tells a lot.

Technology and Communication

2010-10-28T16:28:00.002+03:00

I read the International Herald Tribune, and usually when I do, I read it from cover to cover. It is just fun to read. Even things that I would have no interest in otherwise. Occasionally, they cover fashion and one would find the article along with pictures of scrawny models covering one or two pages. I suppose, why the IHT may find it substantial to cover news such as fashion, sports and even movie reviews, is because they are news of a different sort, they may not represent half the world dressed in rags, no, they may not even represent the other quarter not interested in football; and while they may also not affect us like reality, movies somehow is news.
Interestingly enough, people like me, jobless and restless, consume it all. Of course, there are others, we may call them watchers-of-the-world, who watch everything including these newspapers as part of a diet to quench their understanding of the developments of the world. Recently, there was a small column on the editorial page, quite a modest one at the bottom, insignificantly titled if you did not care for too much abstract opinion not of consequence and weight to the matters of the world. It challenged the assumption so recurrently and undoubtedly supposed that we lived in a the "Information Age". The title? "Information Age? No, it's the Chatter Age". It carries a tinge of frivolous sarcasm. Or at least, it felt that way to me at first glance. But after reading a few articles in that same paper, for the day, it occurred to me that it carried more significance then I may nonchalantly grant.
The other articles include a letter to the women of Afghanistan and a commentary entitled, "New world, same gender roles". In the same paper, there was also an article of a Chinese telecommunications giant trying to find its way into the US market and the hostility it faced. Then, to capped it off, the recent Nobel Laureate's wife invited about 143 people to Oslo where neither she nor her husband would be to accept the grand prize for hopelessly and dangerously pursuing peace.
What has these articles, mention in the last paragraph have to do with the little article I contemptously disregarded in the afore paragraph to the last one? When I put them all together, I consider the simple need for communication and interaction amongst the human race. On my way home on the bus and train, sometimes I prefer to stare blankly into the outside of the moving vehicle then to look at the dull and lull of communication within the vehicle. Communication, like everything else is complicated.
In the letter to the women of Afghan, the writer (a lady herself but from Canada), rallies Afghan women to the bargaining table to stake a future for themselves. In Afghan, unlike many developed countries, communications is poor. Being in a state of war and turbulence the lack of communication may have both good and bad to it: seeing that communication can facilitate both the evil and ethical. The first thought in reading that article is: how many of the intended audience would really get to read the inspiring article? And even if a few inspired individuals would read and carry the message with them their means of connectedness, to the less inspired but much needed voters (in this case, women of Afghan), is impeded by so much, so much! In a way control comes from the means to rally but the means of rallying comes from the means of connecting before inspiring. And for Afghan women, so trapped in their plights, connectivity is alien, foreign and far-apart. The traditional roles of connectivity are still in the power of not just men but chauvinist.
Then, on the other hand, in the next commentary, the author also a lady mourns that while much changes have been made in the developed world, much significant change remains. She laments men still control the environment of money because they dominate the reins of creativity. They are in her words, "strivers, producers, creators, innovators, entrepreneurs and in the end, billionaires". Where are the women? Out of the loop, as usual. The women are all the sex not brain. And she draws this mainly from the recent movie, "The Social Network". The depiction that the movie communicates reality, according to her, is the ugly truth. Women are once again found to superficially skirt the areas of communication where the power lies within the arena of technology: the power of the new generation. Just ask Julian Assange as he takes on some of the most powerful governments of the day. But women are outside the power play because they are outside technology.
And if you still the doubt the power of communications, the list goes on with the fact that the US worries about China coming into the telecommunications market. Why? It may become a security problem.
I want to intensify the issue a little more. Should a country that controls and impedes, nay, but manipulate information through technological and communications restrictions be trusted with the bands and wires of communications. I fear disruption, I fear the buzzing intensity, so annoying and so interfering, of malfunctioning communication. Can China handle connectivity?
It cannot even handle Oslo! It cannot even handle the awards of the old generation! This is new age where nothing is under control, life is practically out of control! Where one hole is blocked a million will spout forth. All those people aimlessly chattering hoping something hits the target. Amidst all the confusion, we are optimistic that information of credibility will surface. We hope for the light to shine in the darkness. And China, just like all other oppressive governments including the chauvinist, suppresses by limiting connectivity. By having factions and orchestrating breakdowns in the flow of thoughts, space and chatter so that they can impound information.
But going back to the main article: is this the age of pure chatter or real information? Well, the problem is: who is to decide usefulness, who is to decide truth? The author lambaste tweets and little prattle as insignificant, but that is only because it qualifies in his eyes as mere jabber. The author claims self control is the only way out of this chatter. He thinks it is not too intelligent "when intelligent people feel obliged to respond to unfounded rumours". Truth is all those chatterers don't really care for his intelligent response to their unintelligent jabber.
So here I am, increasing that tittle-tattle and I will let the reader judge the intelligence of it. Sometimes, I get annoyed with all those idiots, big idiots, who have a million tweets about their insignificant life. But if it makes them happy all I can do is de-friend them or block their status. I will control what I hear and see and when I am in a more generous mood, I will hear and see them and, perhaps, when I am in even more generous to the point of playfulness, I may even reply to let them know somebody actually cares for their (by now, trillions) of tweet. As for the fact that it only makes our world more stupid, well, how will someone not educating, others and not speaking up, help the situation. Not everything is useful, but who will make that decision for someone else! We all want to make it for ourselves. Just ask the women of Afghan...

Reaction to Nobel Peace Prize 2010

2010-10-12T16:41:00.002+03:00

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-11515248

My first job

2010-09-16T19:31:00.001+03:00

So I finally had a job. Yea, my first. And I must say, I quite enjoyed myself.

I know a lot of people had different expectations of how I would response to having a job (actually, I was holding two), but I don't really care what they make about the whole episode.

Instead, let me give you my inside feelings

People don't really get it, do they? After all, we were made with hands and legs, mouth and eyes and all those parts that make us function. The point is we need to function. And function I did. It drags us and push us and press us so we know we are incapable of being perfect.

I was a fundraiser for 7 weeks. Yea, I counted, because to me it was telling a story- my own story that I did not know what would happen next. I felt like I was awe struck and sleep walking. I had to talk to myriad people asking them to go on a scheme to help cancer patients. I had to work hard through thick and thin. I had to take the slamming doors, be ready for any response but above I had to get on with the job. It was never easy, it was not just doubting yourself but doubting if what you did had any meaning. In a way, many ways, I was not made for such a job. But I liked getting over all the obstacles, I like falling and then having the unexpected. For the first 3 weeks, I barely earned since I was paid on commission but it was during that period, I learned most. Keep going and keep praying.

I like earning when the money came in because I had sweated for it. It is different from receiving money. It is different when you give it away too. You comes from the heart. It belongs to you and you can give it from your heart.

Above all, I thank God for helping me through and I had so much fun!

I don't know what is going to happen next.

I know when you are earning a living, it is easy to lose sight of living. Living becomes a basic, manual personification a being could portray. I think this understanding help me to connect with people, to understand that we lose touch of all the intangible things. I am glad that through this period I did not lose touch with God because He helped me through everyday. I know though that people get tired and as their eyelids close they draw into themselves for the basic things they crave. Now, I understand. Now, I feel.

I also had a chance to see what different is. And how different is not. People need to feel and sometimes they need cry and sometimes they need to laugh. But sometimes we need another person with us to do that. I got to see the society I live in. I got to understand their culture and their thought process. And I learn how to deal with it. I don't know if I am used to it now, but I feel more in control when I see it. I will not be dampen by it. Because two wrongs does not make a right. I also saw poor and hardship. I saw people making ends meet and I saw people living in holes. Sometimes, I was quite scared. I walked into people's life. I look at the world from their shoes and then I understood that life is not so simple. And I like it.

I wanted an experience and in seven weeks I got it. It was a great trip and I back. I am content and happy. I had fun.

my take on Christianity

2010-09-15T18:01:00.000+03:00

passing thought: the problem with religion today (in particular referencing Christianity) is that its too simplistic. its not that faith is not simple but that you have to apprehend the complications of life before you understand the beautiful simplicity of faith. troubling enough, many today practice religion base on whims and fancies turning faith into a fairytale. it most certainly is not.

World Cup 2010

2010-07-12T14:24:00.001+03:00

Dismal end for another World Cup. World Cup 2010 in South Africa. But first of all, all the good things we are thankful for...

We are thankful for the extraordinary upsets that took place including the 1-0 lost of champions Spain to unknown and unheard of Switzerland, home of the infamous, Sepp Blatter.

We are thankful for the different perspective we got through the colours of South Africa and the vuvuzelas that destroyed our ears. But I still dislike Zuma.

We are thankful that even though England exited so early, Italy and France exited even earlier, and that we witnessed the early departures of Portugal, Argentina and Brazil before England was avenged of Germany by the hand of Spain. Thanks Spain.

We are thankful that we even got to watch the matches, for all the late nights and the mornings we had to persever through.

We are thankful that mostly justice was swift and pride was erased from the faces of Maradona and such.

We are thankful for the Jubalini settling into the game because it was so bouncy and awkward at first.

We are thankful that we could share our pleasures and sadness through facebook and other mediums

We are thankful that as we got depress from losing we rebounced higher than the jubalini when we saw providence going against the predictions of the bookies. We hope the Octopus dies.

We are thankful that we learn so much about others. We learn about their flag, national anthem and their statistics but we also learn about different culture and their silly royals.

We are thankful that at the end of it all we realised that we are only human and stripped down to pure emotions we are really irraitonal beings.

We are thankful that we are not the only mortals who face stress and failure especially when they correlate. So did Rooney, Ronaldo, Messi, Kaka, Villa, etc

We are thankful Sepp Blatter changed his opinion about technology even though it came at the cost of the England goal. We should not be repulsive to change.

We are thankful for all the interest we had in the games whether it was North Korea playing or watching just to see the French and Italians fail.

We are thankful for all the nail biting matches especially the late late goals. That changed the outcome of the game except for the ones that did not go our way.

We are thankful also for all the red cards and penalties that went our way.

We are thankful for all the inspiration to fight till the end but especially we are thankful for the answered prayers when we were about to cry at the sight of defeat.

We are thankful that we were all reconnected to the raw emotions suppress within, the tears, the anger, the exhilaration! Every one of them, in many ways we were like Maradona. Only not.

We are thankful that we were part of the millions all over the world, including those that do not know the real football, those that are suffering, those who do support the teams we hate and those who are different from us.

We are thankful the World Cup was not about about one man be it a player, coach or referee. Though Howard Webb almost made it so.

We are thankful for all the people who lost money, they should learn that life is not about predictions but providence.

We are thankful that the finals hosted two countries who have never won it until Spain took it for the first time. There will be a tomorrow, Netherlands! Oranje!

We are thankful for irony.

We are thankful for the Hand of God right down to the last goal.

We are thankful for The Beautiful Game.

And for all your participation.

Here is to the next World Cup!

Singing forever young, Singing songs underneath the sun, lest rejoice in the beautiful game and together at the end of the day. and then it goes back- Wavin' Flag

And now I just have one last thing to say and then i would have the WC out of my system and hopefully my sleep, SPAIN CHEATED! and they taught us that sometimes in this world injustice prevails and cheats go unpunished especially Iniesta!

i could use a wish right now

2010-07-09T13:50:00.002+03:00

is stress due to faithlessness?

it is my worst nemesis. i fear it now more than ever because it is always around. i feel it is awaiting its opportunity and that it takes advantage every time, every little chance it can snatch. it starts with fear and it lives in depression or frustration.

all this because of unbelief.

where is hope?

2010-07-04T18:26:00.000+03:00

The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread tot he wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding , nor yet favour to men of skill: but time and chance happeneth to them all.

I don't know what is going to happen, we are going into the finals of the World Cup 2010, I am sitting here wondering of myself...

As thou knowest not what is the way of the Spirit nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all.

Sometimes, it all comes to a point where,

I praised the dead which are already dead more than the living which are yet alive. Yea, better is he than both they, which have not yet been , who hath not seen the evil work that is done under the sun

And when better hours smile upon me,

There is nothing better for a man, than that he should eat and drink, and that he should make his soul enjoy good in his labour. This also I saw, that it was a from the hand of God.

Until I brought back to reality when I look in the shadow of life

Truly the light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun: But if a man live many years, and rejoice in them all; yet let him remember the days of darkness ; for they shall be many. All that cometh is vanity.

Where do I go from here,

Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, where thou makest thy flock to rest at noon: for why should I be as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy companions

My silence

2010-07-03T10:00:00.001+03:00

Have you been in a situation where you wish there was a way to shut everybody and anybody out? It is so noisy. Noise from everything but especially from people. People talking, the words, the giggles and then the questions that patiently sit in the air waiting for your answer. Why, why, why! Do I have to answer them!
SHHHHHHHHHHHHH... if only you were so quiet, the wind would blow and we would feel the air moving passing from one body to another and then we would communicate in the silence. Sometimes, I have regretted being so silent. But my air has run out and you trying to blow on me is not working; it just makes me drier. Those meaningless questions and words they do not fit into the silence but they feed the silence, they mount my resent for meaningless words.
I am quiet for I find no words, I am clouded with feelings and cannot stream them into a sentence. Instead they bounce around in my heads. And when all those people talk it is words bouncing around me. I feel compressed within and without.
I see people moving in a circle, they can call it the cycle of life but all I see is the cycle of death. And we fill the spaces with words. Why! Can we touch without talking? Those meaningless words and sentences and conversations, they take away the minimal air left.
It is probably mine own feelings crowding your conversation with silence. Make some noise! I have invented the latest answer to your game it does not need a syllable.
Do you wish you were never here? Well, me too.

a word

2010-06-30T21:54:00.002+03:00

Dear World,

I am back from the dead but just for a while to write this. I have gone because gone is a word when you are in the state I am. This appearance is just to grace the World Cup. Nothing more. I spend the Days to wonder where life is actually heading and the Nights taking dreams away with me thru the WC. Nice WC though, at least the group stages. How does one juggle the world on their feet, round and bouncy with those awkward and unskilled feet wrapped in plastic, tight and manicured plastic boots? I sit and wonder, cheer and laughter engulfing my wonderment.
I have to be going to start a new but what happens when you start to wonder if the new day is for you. When you are not accustom to the light anymore. You fear. Tremble within your soul because you lost the courage to dream for yourself, let alone all the noble thoughts for the others of your kind. I have to start with the unknown, an examination. I do not have time to study so I have to cramp it in. I think I cannot make it. And after, if I do, I have two more. And if I do, I have to now face the light.
I was sleeping to recover from the fatigue, fatigue of mind and body and heart. I dared not to awake. What awaits my awakement. It says in ecclesiastes that "in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow". I have increase to know that I cannot be what I want to be. I do not have the aptitude or capacity. Today I live for tomorrow I die.
When I awoke, it was to a startling phrase left in the humidity and heat of the air. Alone there, I heard it ringing through my ears but as I stumbled out of my sleep, I was blur. At first I heard it, "God had not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of a sound mind" and then I wondered if I had mixed the words up maybe it was not "power" but "love" so it sounded like, "God had not given us the spirit of fear but of love and of a sound mind". I thought again that if it was truly true it would not have been so foggy. I wondered if God is here, now. Then it came to me one sentence, "God had not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." When it came, sleep left me. He went away in the moment, he is away at the moment, I had the courage enough to wash my face. Then I wondered if, I had perhaps taken it but it did not belong to me. I look the concordance to find it and found it hidden in 2 Timothy 1:7. Can it belong? Can I own it, even just for that second? I cannot own faith.
But if providence would give just a lease of that minute of that sentence. I'll take it. Till I die again.

For now, HOG

I AM THE WORLD

2010-05-05T06:16:00.001+03:00

I AM THE WORLD

I, I AM THE WORLD
I, I AM THE SMELL OF THE EARTH AFTER THE RAIN
I, I AM THE ECHO OF A WATERFALL
I, I AM SUNLIGHT IN THE EYES
I, I AM COLD WATER IN THE MOUTH
I, I AM THE SMILE OF THE FACE
I, I AM THE SOFTNESS OF THE BED
I, I AM THE LATENESS OF THE NIGHT
I, I AM THE VASTNESS OF THE SKY
I, I AM THE WORLD

AND, WHO ARE YOU?

YOU, YOU ARE THE NEIGHBOUR’S RADIO
YOU, YOU ARE THE WALL, THE FLOOR, THE ROOF
YOU, YOU ARE DREAD, AND FEAR, AND HOPELESSNESS
YOU, YOU ARE ALL THE WORDS I CANNOT READ
YOU, YOU ARE THE MUMMIFIED PHAROAH
YOU, YOU ARE THE FRAME OF THE PICTURE
YOU, YOU ARE THE TICKING OF THE CLOCK
YOU, YOU ARE THE RINGING OF THE PHONE
YOU, YOU ARE THE DATE

YOU, YOU ARE WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE
BUT YOU, YOU ARE PART OF MY WORLD
YOU, YOU ARE NOT THE WORLD

No, the “you” here do not refer to you.
It was hard writing this poem. I wanted to make in general, that is, for everybody to read and feel and be able to own it. But like all poems, it is also the author’s, that is, mine. How do I describe “I”? To me nature is the perfect picture for myself. Nature belongs in this world just like mortar and bricks do not. Nature is not perfect and not without quibbles but it belongs. The world would not be better in one way or the other without it. At the same time it was nature of me to use the little ticks in our daily urban living to describe the “you”. I realized though that my reader may have a different description of themselves and of the “you”. For instance, another may like to say “I, I AM THE M&Ms MELTING ON THE TONGUE” or “YOU, YOU ARE CHILLI UP THE NOSE”.
The idea of writing this poem was not so much to arrogantly trot around saying I, I AM THE WORLD (as tempting as that might be). I wrote this poem because I was inspired through all the injustice and oppression in the world. Once, I had a teacher who told me after looking at some poems I wrote that I shouldn’t just be writing sad poems. I couldn’t reply because I wondered how this teacher could not see all the sadness around. Yes, there are a lot of beautiful things in life and more specifically, in each of our lives. But the copious tragedies of life are sometimes so much less expressive then the pleasantries in life. And poems, poems have a way with the things we cannot express. The words we cannot form, the pictures we cannot draw and the pain we cannot share. I am not a poet, I just poet because I need to vent. Today, though, I write a happy verse. Because, today, I am not telling a story, I am being in that story.
This poem is for all the times injustice and oppression has been triumphant, for all the times the powers of the institution trump the fragile, defenseless individual; the poor and the orphans, those whom the law cannot protect and those who are stuck in a unforgiving, unkind and cruel system.
I reckon this is not just my words. This is probably yours. Somewhere in your life, maybe you wish you could have said something to the oppressor. But you could not. Injustice and oppression will always be part of our world but we do not have to let it be our world. We cannot let ourselves be numb to it.
I hope the reader will enjoy reading is. I dare you to tell it to the world, to stand above and say I, I AM THE WORLD. And pass it along.

to join the group on facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/group.php?gid=112881128750714&ref=ts

Nameless Poem

2010-04-12T02:00:00.003+03:00

On the earth I walk

Of martyrs’ blood dry

Sunken into silence

In colosseum grand

And Regal; among ancient

Stature. There lions ravage

The undefended and

Gladiators played for

Freedom. One day will

I play for my;

Be left ravaged

After amuse I thee.

No night there

To rest; No day, to

Wake. Fear clutters

The sleepless and

Passion the faithful.

Be of good cheer

For tomorrow brings

Paradise or death

Tomorrow, against enemy

I stand—the lion and me

His to win; mine to lose

His fodder my life.

God inspired me

Thereafter life respired

Will he perform;

The enemy will eat,

Curse and play

Rejoice and be no more.

For which I love, give

For which I hope, believe

In turn to lose

For amusment

Per chance, for faith

Fergie- my favourite player in Manchester United

2010-04-07T21:47:00.001+03:00

The one who plays all the players. Lets play!

Paradise Lost

2010-03-20T03:16:00.000+02:00

With loss of Eden, till one greater Man
Restore us, and regain the blissful seat,
Sing heavenly Muse! that on the secret top
Of Oreb, or of Sinai, didst inspire
That Shepherd, who first taught the chosen seed,
In the beginning how the heavens and earth
Rose out of Chaos. Or if Sion Hill
Delight thee more, and Siloa's brook that flowed
Fast by the oracle of God, I thence
Invoke thy aid to my adventurous song,
That with no middle flight intends to soar
Above the Aonian mount, while it pursues
Things unattempted yet in prose or rhyme
And cheifly thou, O Spirit! that dost prefer
Before all temples the upright heart and pure,
Instruct me, for Thou knowest; Thou from the first
Wast present, and with mighty wings outspread,
Dove-like sat'st brooding on the vast abyss,
And madest it pregnan; what in me is dark
Illumine! what is low raise and support!
That to the height of this great argument
I may assert eternal Providence,
And justify the ways of God to Men

Tape on my mouth

2010-03-12T20:01:00.001+02:00

It is hard not to write when you feel strongly about something.

It is hard when you cannot be heard.

I cannot write because of fear.

It is frustrating. And yet frustration can boil over to terpidity.

I cannot write because I choose not to write.

I follow the path of inaction and ambiguity.

I cannot write because the message would cover my face with retribution

Sometimes I dream fear and I see fear

I cannot write because the words would be more than my own. It will own others.

I fear the fear of others. I fear for them.

I cannot write because I let the words go into a drain.

Tomorrow when you pick the empty newspaper

You will know why I cannot write again.

And I will be lying there a beggar begging you for my words.

When I was younger, I remember tape on my mouth

I remember a long silence of solemness

It creep in slowly like a bird-

wings masterly fluttering- across the silent ocean

First, I could not hear the words in my buzz and my skip

Then the words took shape of sound and pictures

Some real, some not so;

some close, some not so;

some love, some not so

I taped my own mouth.

They will hang a string

They will leave the room

You will be alone

I taped my own mouth.

Simon Cowell- BBC interview

2010-01-13T08:59:00.001+02:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/newsnight/8413007.stm

I thought Simon Cowell's interview was interesting. It is quite a philosophical take and answer to the questions and reactions amongst the public and media. Yet I think his opinions are quite rational and calculating- a good insight into the person too. It also helps to explain his view and motives. I also enjoyed the interviewer's questions. I thought they were quite well thought out and phrased.

Maybe, I'll write more next time. For now, enjoy the clip off BBC!

P.S. BBC should give better coverage of the Iranian demostrations. I think it is a blatant reproach to those students who have risked their lives!

1989, 4th June

2009-11-19T19:34:00.003+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40bI6wzCTck

Some rights are not given by governments or laws, they are not protected by armies or constitutions, they are not right or wrong. They are just ours.

Liberty is such.

My reply to Paul Kagame

2009-11-05T16:46:00.004+02:00

I was reading an article written by Paul Kagame, President of Rwanda. Rwanda, we remember, as the country in which genocide was committed not too long ago spurring deep reflection from the international committee, in general, and leading world powers, in particular, to reconsider theri ways. It was also the inspiration for many films in media culture such as Hotel Rwanda and Shooting Dogs. Rwanda, today, while still trying to shake off such a gory, bloody image, has developed itself into a "success story- one that many nations in the dark continent of Africa will seek to emulate and be inspired by.

Paul Kagame's essay was on why Africa is welcoming investment from China. It is no new thing that China has sought to expand its influence (however, you want to see it) into different regions in the world. But as Mr Kagame himself pointed out, China's expansion into this part of the world in particular has raised many a question and many a suspicion and that for many a reason. He explains two objections to China's to economic engagement in Africa. Firstly, many opponents feel that this would be "exploitative and undermines the development of democracy and human rights". The other reason is that some feel China is taking over the hold that the West once had on African resources. Kagame feels that this does not tackle the issue as it should. And that, also for two reasons: currently, Africans are not treated as equal partners in economic relations so far and to add to that, African leaders have not played their part in pushing for fair engagement.

With respect to the objections raise, the first objection is valid just as the second is not. The only one entitled to African resources are Africans. This is a matter of sovereignty and ownership. However, I disagree with Mr Kagame as I feel that the first objection raised should be considered fairly. China has not have a good human rights record. Only recently has she started to prosper and clean up her act internationally. As Mr Kagame suggests, Africa needs to be engaged fairly. And African leaders have shown little ability to act fairly on her behalf. Most of them, besides the few good, have acted on self interest and tribal interest. Africa is still riddled not just with problems but with corrupted leaders. While some may argue that the West may have not acted responsibly, as shown by history, towards Africa - exploiting them for their goods and their people - it has over recent years been kept accountable for more and more of its actions. America has poured in billions to Africa that goes more than investing but to aid its feeblest citizens. I am not propagating that aid be a substitute for investment. Of course, it should never be. However, I think that unlike its relations with the West which comes under the microscope of western media, the public and the international community at large, its relations with China is often quiet. Not only does China need scrutiny and to be kept accountable for its actions but so does African leaders. It is hard for Africans to hold their leaders accountable, so the international community should assist.

It would be blind for Mr Kagame to suggest that majority of African nations and their citizens are up to the task of handling human rights and democracy. While they are entitled to liberty ad justice, they are still fighting to achieve it and they need all the help they can get. There is no environment yet in most of Africa for liberty and justice. Many are still waiting for hand outs from western governments and many leaders are still manipulating their country's resources. Kagame suggests that Africans want self-determination and dignity by having jobs and opportunities. I agree that in order to have dignity and stand on its own two feet Africa needs jobs and opportunities. Above all, ordinary Africans need badly to learn that dignity and self determination is important. As yet, many have shown little appreciation of that. And when anything goes wrong, Western governments are petitioned to intervene and the West in general is blindly blamed. Mr Kagame of all people should realize that. Rwanda seems to be doing slightly better once and then it skydived into genocide. Basically, this is because the old mentality had not been routed. Whatever prosperity gained was lost when tribal hatred and ethnic problems prove only solvable through genocide, bloodshed and tribal antics.

Africa needs a culture of democracy and human rights to sustain any material benefits it reaps. It needs development to sustain its investment not as Mr Kagame suggests "investment to sustain development". It needs a mentality among its people and a political culture that instills values of democracy. It also needs reliable institutions to keep its governments accountable. Until then, Africa is a fledging continent. It should be careful of strangers who have little credentials.

Kingdom of Heaven

2009-10-19T22:52:00.002+03:00

as the title reads, so i write about. this was the second time i watched the movie but only today did i enjoy it. i thought it was an interesting take on the city of Jerusalem and its long bloody history. it will be hard to ignore that the movie did come with a political and philosophical slant. i think that at the end the director of the picture wanted to show that the religious aura that Jerusalem still carries with it is so contrary to all the animosity it leads to. his solution is peace by realizing that religion is within the heart. i suppose that if everybody could be as the main character in the movie, the conflict would have been solved long time ago. the director presents the conflict as a conflict driven by raw hatred, blind religious fervour led by extremist with a passion for blood.

to a certain extent, i can see his point of view. it is true that often men driven by religiosity find a need to shed blood. religion dost caused blood. but by villaining this men, he cast them into a certain figurine and cartoonish character. instead, it is of my opinion, that he should tried to figure out why were this men so driven by their religion. what was it that cause them to be so stedfast (if i may, for a lack of words)? i think a good beginning would be when the main character decides to follow his father to Jerusalem in search for forgiveness. by simplifying the characters in the plot to evil and good, the director subtracts from the plot the intriguing convergence of 3 major religions in Jerusalem and the dynamics that has ensued and survived years and years and years. in the silence of God, Ballian finds his forgiveness in simply doing good and following his conscience. his conscience leads him to sleep with another man's wife while at the same time refusing to marry her and consign her evil husband to death. if he could have save Jerusalem by marrying her, why did he have to waste life and blood? conscience or political miscalculation? the director leads Ballian the character to a religion that simplifies life as something within the heart- the heart that breaks when his first wife dies. maybe Ballian dost grow up a little coming to Jerusalem by the answers to life are far from over in the face of death and other challengers.

it was good food for thought at how we look philosophically and politically at diplomacy, foreign policy and some of the problems in this century. lessons from history and lessons from the movie theater can be very interesting and insightful at the same time.

It's me again

2009-10-09T11:44:00.002+03:00

It's cold here
Under the sun
The leaves wither
And soon the-
Branches break up
Nothing is left
But dead trunks

Music goes off
Long before I-
Fall into sleep
The dream turns
Me over again
I wake up
And it's night

I want sleep
Away from dreams
Into cracks of
Time; no more
Silhouettes- darkness awaits
As empty shells
they'll open windows
to silent room

Blue (Da ba dee)

2009-04-18T03:38:00.002+03:00

What an exhausting week! It started off rainy and cold and ended in a blast of sunshine. There are so many little things that make up the weeks as they go by and draw to a close. It it those little things that make or break the week. Anyway, interesting facts too that I pick up here and there.

I have been thinking of going camera plotting again. I don't know why: because I feel bored or just sentimental. But anyway, the idea is to describe something. I feel sick and tired of watching movies and reading the news though never tired of football. Man Utd made it through though it was a harrowing win by a goal against Porto who had never lost to an English side on home soil before. Chelsea-Liverpool match was the big game. Stole the show, I admit. It was a goal fest. One after another, intense right to the end. So I am predicting a Man Utd vs Chelsea final again.

Springs mild descend

2009-03-28T07:58:00.002+02:00

It's stealthy and quiet
But it could not be more timely
As it burst through the roots
And from the heavens
Grips you at the toes
And lifts your head upwards
There, where the streams gently flow
Birds chirp, Flowers bud, Leaves sprinkle branches
I love the smell, the rain drops
The anxiety, and yet quiet confidence
Coupled with impatience and laziness
The days get brighter and longer
They find their meaning
Night holds no one refugee
And I breathe the careless spring!

Feb has 28 days! What!

2009-03-01T00:49:00.002+02:00

One more post, before the end of Feb '09. It is quite incredible the speed at which whizz pass us. It was but a glimpse of yesterday. I enjoy the fickled weather. It is unpredictable nature has caught me off guard. Just when I was enjoying the azure blue sky and sun rays singing through the heavens, the clouds moved in and the temperature fell. The other day it rained. I went to walk not on the grass but in the carpark. The sand cracking under my shoes. The rain first hit my hair and skin, soon it drenched through the scalp of my head and I felt as if it had over taken me. Every part of the body melted into the rain. It was joyous!
I'm quite glad Slumdog Millionaire won. I mean I think the Acadamy recognize the times and how appropraite it would be. But from what I here it is the way the story is told that makes it an inspiration and captures the imagination of others.
Of course, there was Manchester United playing Inter Milan. Cannot, cannot wait till we beat them the next round at home in Old Trafford! God, please let them put on spectecular display for us!
Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal both took off with a goal. Nice start, I say, for an all english ending. Ha!!!!

sleepless night

2009-02-18T13:06:00.004+02:00

can't sleep. good or bad? eating. yea, i suddenly have a bloody good appetite!!

i have a friend who blogs really well, for random bloggers looking for random reads, this is highly recommended:

http://elizabethjoymiller.blogspot.com

i keep thinking. i think that i won't stop thinking. think think tinker sign

tonight, or rather this beautiful morning, i will be totally dead in class becaue i can't study and can't read and can't sleep. i am a wanderer in my head. little wanderings, here and there. until the morning rays blink hysterically through my blinds, then it will be gone all the uncertainties and i will be there- dead in the real world. i am not going to be able to talk in class. what is worse, i have homework to do and i actually can't do it when i drastically need to do it its a major components of grades. the problem is i have been trying. so i will keep trying

here is the good news. the world is going to flood. i mean rain cats and dogs. i want it to rain, rain, rain and pour upon our parched souls!

Steps

2009-02-14T08:19:00.002+02:00

I feel happy. This week was busy. Sometimes tiring. But God made it good- mercies and joy were splashed on the paper.
I had two exams and my econ paper was badly written, my spanish exam was quite bad too. I felt like I could have panick. It isn't that it has gone out of mind, its just God helped me to get through it. There is no explanation for what I did right this time.
I realised that sometimes, you don't plan. Because you simply cannot. It is also worse when you fail. I don't mean not to have goals or determination. I think you just cannot expect it to happen like it should. You can plan to succeed, but you may not. You try, but it is not always to exaction. It happens that we succeed. And it happens that we don't.
So today, I thank God I am still alive.
Whatever happens, happens. I don't know what or how. Its hard to think of tomorrow, why go so far? It is easier to live one step at a time. When I lose control it is eaier to grapple with the moment and when I am dishearten, I know that joy comes in the morning. And if it dosen't then I 'll have to wait till it does. One morning.
I think what I would miss most is not lost opportunities per say. But momments and occassions. I am being vague because it is easier to be general. But I would say this especially with people. Music and poetry, running and basketball and football- rhythm. And with people its the same thing- rhythm. Expression and nerves.
So this week was good, thank God.

Snow prayer

2009-02-04T02:31:00.004+02:00

Dear God,
Please make my heart, soul and mind white as snow. As the snow that falls from heaven so make my heart through the Blood of Thine Son, Jesus Christ, in Whose Name I pray, Amen.

Thoughts from nature

2009-01-30T22:58:00.003+02:00

The snow is glistering as the sun smiles on it. it feels sacarstic. almost like snide. I behold the relationship between them, and I think everyone has its day over the other.
i had another allegory in my mind, friendship is like colours put together. colours blend and don't. but sometimes they also offer a different spectrum even in the way they blend or not blend. why do they blend, how do they blend and even in blending might there be ways in which their effects are rough.

Did you see the forecast? Wintry mix.

2009-01-30T06:18:00.003+02:00

I was walking to class today. The pavement was either sealed in freezing ice or brown snow. The roads were messy with sludge. It looked like an ordeal for most to simply walk to and from class. Even cars and buses were at pains. The sight of the havoc wrecked by the 3 days of snow was simply disgusting.
But the rest was beautiful. Besides the mess. I am not sure how thats possible. The rest of earth seem to melt into the cream of snow. It was a lush fragrance of white. Upon which I felt my body would have sunk into. If not for the thought that crossed my mind...
The roads were smudge into puddles of crush ice mixed with snow, unpure and unwrapped for the fine wintry mixed it was because we had trampled upon it. Our shoes and our cars and our buses. Our- that was what destroyed the scene that fell form heaven. We- that was what wrecked the damage. Me- that was who made the difference.
I looked back and forth and the vast difference became clearer and clearer. The contrast was starked. It sprang upon me from the sides, like thoughts of invisible men... There WE were, and we complained.

Another day, another time...

2009-01-29T05:24:00.003+02:00

Some pictures first to make my blog less wordy-

Today, we did not have school.
How did that happen, I don't know.
Yesterday, I did not have school.
Can miracles happen twice? In a row?
It snowed and snowed and snowed. And just when it was going to stop. It snowed.
The exciting thing about here is that there are so many natural extremities and calamities for reasons not to go to school. I remember saying its exciting. But its also school-less. I mean even if people wanted to be stingy about school-hard task masters- they can't becasue of the weather. And God controls the weather. So pray. Pray and pray.

Recently besides the incessant snowing, I got to go to a waterfall and on trek. I really enjoyed myself. I have to thank God this semester seem a lot less stressful. Not because the classes are any less hard. I am still taking about the same number of credit hours. Its the pure mercies of God.

New Year' 09 and a new entry

2009-01-13T20:52:00.002+02:00

New year, but is there anything new under the sun? Indeed, time flies but we already knew that.
Everytime I think of time and spaces, landmarks and occassions, I think of the aging factor. I think if I feel more grown. And the truth is, not really.
There is a lot to be thankful for in the year 2008. I think just the sheer enormity of 2008 is baffling. Its like you have a new calender every new year. It is white and clean and empty. And at the end when you look back, it is riddled with things it has balloned with notes and scrap paper and all of the everyday things. And happenings. And you thank God its over.
But I forget, you don't actually stop for there is no day zero. No fullstop, no pause. It was just that moment of thought. That marked something. Thoughts of thankfulness and regret. Thoughts of contemplation and resolution.
And the new year, what, a span of time to be soon over!

The story of change- American election 2008

2008-11-05T04:57:00.004+02:00

As I sit here, keeping track of the American elections, as political pundits try to call the game early; I realised sometimes part of playing a game is knowing your weaknesses and knowing the formidable-ness of the opponent. Before I elaborate on this thought though, I want to go into my stochastic thoughts...

Long before this game is over, many would predict an Obama win, it seems at this stage that the fight is closer than it was in the primaries when Obama was pitted against Clinton. Money, energy and incredible spirit went into the campaigns but particularly Obama's campaign. Yes, it really was his. This whole election would probably be another one, if not for him. What is it about him? Is it that he has made history? Before that, was it his ideas, his speeches, his charisma that rallied crowds and caught theri attention.

Obama runs by something that few people have ever runned by. Yes, he has indeed enmassed crowds becasue of the historicity of his run and later his canidacy. Again, his down-to-earth speeches could not have been more eloquent and eye catching. Finally, he had the charm and grace of a politician. And yes, we must not forget every situation was in his favour. There was the war to begin with. The more it lingered, the louder in tingered in the ears of the American electorate. Oil prices were swooning right over the heads of the largest oil consuming economy, people were fuming. Then, when he found himself in a dead heat with McCain, who had seem to had found a game changer in Sarah Palin, Barack Obama was handed the economic crisis. Not just a depression, but a money market failure. The federal reserve bank and treasury were at their wits end pulling all stops to prevent investment banks from going down. When Lehman filed for bankruptcy, people trembled. Many homes forclosed and soon home owners were facing the downward pressure, owing more on morgages then their homes cost. It hit close to home. But it wasn't all handed to him. Yes, he ran on the troubles on America, but the question is who did he run as?

Most politicians, choose to publicized themselves as the guy-next-door or your everyday person. Just like most Americans, they want to picture humble beginings and hhardwor, good values and maybe, from a certain perspective, a kind of fairy tale ending. But Obama did more than that, he wanted to portray himself not just as an everybody. He wanted to be the saviour. Like Jesus, he wanted to be a carpenter's son. Like Jesus, he wanted to be the son of a widow. Like Jesus, he wanted to be a revolutionary. Like Jesus, he wanted to out talk the pharisees, scribes and Romans of the day. Like Jesus, he wanted to help the poor and out. Like Jesus, he wanted to teach the people. And like Jesus, he came at the time of captivity.

But he is not Jesus. Obama promised change but never did he exactly state what change he had in mind. He mounted the stumps, promising a departure from poltics, was he promising paradise? He raillied supporters, mostly youth to inspiration slogans and chants! He decried the apostacy of the Bush policies and instead he said believe in me becasue I am change. He declared that he wanted to give back the wealth to the people. By saying this, he was saying that he knew, just like Jesus, that he could tax people who work and give it to those who need it. He is the invisible hand of the free market. He is the hand that will decide becasue he has an instinct and foresight of prophecy. When he first came on the presidencial scene, he said that he was the only one, who voted against the war. And therefore, he had such a deep insight that he was the man for America. Had he not told them, the war was wrong! And now had it not come to passed! What folly that others had not listen. Becasue he could tell right form wrong. He could distinguish failure from success. And if America needed a messiah, it was now! So now, O America, the land of the brave and free, now vote for thy messiah!

He told them vote for change if you want to see prosperity. If you want to wake up and see the flowers blooming and the leaves blossoming. If you want to see your generations flourishing, then now is the time to vote for change. He was the epitomy of that change. It wasn't a philosophy or a system of values or even a science. If anything it was him. Just as people believe in Jesus, now turn ye, and believe in this god. He didn't stop there alot of being a god is the image of it and so he went to Europe, sat with leaders, made speeches in historical settings and then in the eyes of many he tried to prove his credibility, his signs and miracles.

His first and probabaly only track record was that vote- that vote that he voted against the war in Iraq. Undeniably, he did. But could not that have been anything, a gamble. To jugde a man, judge him in his ideologies. Like Jesus wanted to be jugde, Jesus thought you should jugde him for his doctrines. And maybe thats what Obama failed to realised. It is not the miracles, it is not even the prophecies. It is the doctrines. Because as Jesus predicted many will come in His name, with signs and miracles, healing the poor and blind and lame. But your doctrine, the principle is where you test the mantle of the prophet. Not the charism, the gift, the courage, the look but the doctrine.

Unfortunately, the final doctrine and principle I got from Barack Obama leaves mw without a shadow of doubt. At first he was all chant and spirit but as the story unfolded Barack Obama, the man of change, retarded to socialism. I am hardly surprise, for why should I be. Socialism is just the euphumism and child of communism, also known as Marxism. But socialism is also where man say that we know better, we are the hands of the market, we are god above others above the layman of America. Above them all, we can therefore know what is good more than you. Is not that his philosophy? The doctrine of Barack Obama claims that he as man is the new god.

And finally that is what I think he does not get Barack Obama cannot be the saviour of America. Yes, we all have a responsibility in thsi world. But we, no matter how much we learn, no matter how much virtue there is in us, we are never, never in a position to be better than another. To force our virtue on others. See, at the end of the day, this is it. Jesus kingdom was not of this world, he was not interested in the politics of it, he really wanted to save people souls. But Obama cannot deny that if anyhting his prize is earthy and just like his prize so he must be earthy too. He cannot be Jesus, he cannot be a messiah, he cannot be a saviour and he cannot be above his fellows. He thus, admits so, then he must admit his foundation, doctrinal principles are wrong.

And for that, no matter, the election results, Barack Obama, I believe, is wrong.

Exhaustive thoughts-After another week-Between the next one

2008-09-13T06:03:00.003+03:00

Hello!

Tonight, I am just about too tired to do anything. I have exhausted myself keeping up with work and it seems as if there is no end to it after I am ended. Speaking about ends.

There is that terrible hurricane coming along the gulf of mexico, its power has been estimated in billions of dollars not mere wind speeds and levels of flooding. Worst maybe, it will be collecting lives on it destructive path.

There is also me, here tonight being destructive again. I have been thinking that maybe somewhere along the way we made a mistake. When I sit in class, sometimes I think this teachers barely even know the basic, they skim over it as if it was a waste of time. They feel these basics are irrelevant small details to the bigger picture. And I feel that when we miss this we just passed by too fast and we missed developing substantially. We have superficially developed everything and basics instituions such as law and philosophy and economics and now we come so far in our superficiaity will it be costly to turn around? Or costlier to not?

And so now we are reaping the failed consequences of our rashness and presumption and maybe pride and ignorance too. Banks are failing, our economical system is tragic and we dig bigger holds to pull ourselves out and fall into even bigger ones. Then, look at our systems and philosophy, look at politics. And is it not just a tragic situation!

Time knows no end.

2008-09-10T06:10:00.002+03:00

A thought passed by today. Just had to put it down. We never really complete anything. There is no ending. Just when we think that we reached the happy ending and it is over. Really it is not.
Stages exist, maybe. But not a full completion. It is just like the life cycle. It is a cycle not a line. And we are part of one cycle. But our end, is not the end. We are the end for a beginning.
hmmm....
if I translate this in to other thing though it implies that no work is ever finish. That everything is a process. We had started from a process and we are just continuing it..

random paragraphs

2008-09-06T03:04:00.003+03:00

2nd week of school- i can feel the work piling up? or is just a figment of my imagination? a page from my experiance?

R- said I should try to write in paragraphs. the problem is I don't think in paragraphs, sometimes not even in sentences.

blog writing- i have been really slacking in keeping this personal forum up to date. it must because it is just not rational. rationality is economical. this is emotional.

heat- sweltering heat this week until the drizzles came. it mist up my spects. licked my skin and make me feel closer to heaven, nearer to the water falls and just wet

no money- my phone ran dry. till the last cent. what does one do with the last cent?

reading wrongly-i have been reading wrongly. did homework earlier. though email information was for me when it was not.

tired- by the end of the week, it usually is the end of me.

isolation- i think it is not about that anymore, i think now i just feel satisfied. just trying to sync without an ambience

home- i realised that my home is no more. moving on.

politics- is only good when the race is close. when u have to fight the inch. other than that we don't call it politics.

hurricanes- they even have one name after me. well, almost.

songs- can may u feel like singing. when u hear them. they are infectious.

game theory- rational???

economist- proud???

August... and new term...

2008-09-01T23:42:00.002+03:00

Schools started and I was just mumurring that sometimes I cannot understand the furore of school beginings. I wish it was just a little more calm. or instance I don't really enjoy the buying books commotion, trying to remember where each class and appreciating the querks of every lecturer! To say the least I don't find it exciting, why care about the nitty-gritty things! Why not get into the work and start to learn what counts.. startings are so mundane and slow and they don't really tell you about classes sometimes they can even be deceiveing.
That said, there has been alot going on in the world. Russia and Georgia virtually at war and this tight rope Europe is trying to walk and the inertness of the United States. Russia is almost taking advantage of the situation. Then there is the US elections as it goes into its full swing and all the hype with it. Of course, even nature has to get a little in the news room, China has been dealt anohter blow, in Sichuan again, with an earthquake and all the reprucussions seems to be big bolts as well. They seem to be getting no sleep. And about this time as well, the hurrican Gustav (such a russian name) hits the news page even as it destroys homes and brings recollections of Katrina. Then, the Japanese prime minister quit, maybe another revolt in Thailand. Man City is sold to an Arab group. The Premier League gets under way. US Open starts with the end to the Olympics. Is Federer going to take it home this time?
So thats for a quiet update. Alot of things to think about and no time to think about them. It seems that everything in life will demand somthing from you and unknowingly you you do give somewhat to them... only they demand MORE!!
I kind of like the silence and privacy of my room. Affords me the space to be idle here. I am just getting into the mood.
Yet to see the world, HoG

Social justice, per say.

2008-07-11T09:01:00.002+03:00

Whoever thought life would be so surprising, so manipulative and yet so transcient. And yet mystery upon mystery, how do we escape social injustice and the seeming inadequacies of the law in our societies? This phenomenon has been plaguing us since the inception of time, however you want to see that, and it has yet to be answered. Had we not some of the greatest philosophers, had we not seen upheavels of societal values and systems, had we not been through the old and wise, and yet are we still debating this question.
How do we answer to generations?
Today, as I was sitting in statistics lesson, it struck me that sometimes as we emerge from a reformation of some sort, brought into enlightenment and reveling in our accomplishments we somehow, somewhere, lose our emergent doctrine and sustenance. Worst, we actually trample on it so we can pull ourselves out of the slump that we feel encompasses us. Yes, indeed, for a while now I had been thinking that since no one really has the apptitude to call the whole theory of the formation of world to perfection, so we are left to improve on their improvision. Take off from where they left off. Then we go in circles, that was what puzzuled me. I think it was what Marx may have found systematic in his theory. The rise of the middle class, he assumed, was an indefeatable circumstance in the course of history and would remain so. However, here I want to propose a reconciliation to his point of view and his observations. Namely, that we seem to be turning in circles never able to finally improve into a system that seeks to provide the needs of the lower classes. How could that be?
I must say one motivation besides statistics was the current American election in which subtlely through the economic circumstances the issue of social justice has emerged. Maybe once again.
So what has this to do with our beginnings? Social justice, per say, is a very big encompassing word. Social justice can be quantified and qualified into different sub groups. But much of what we seek and aspire for is really more of a valued based aspiration than a political and judicial problem. Obviously as individuals form into organisations, their philosophy and opinions permeate and penetrate and sometimes unconscious defile the system.
How does one separate and consign justice and value into spheres of their own? This, I will answer as practically, simply and briefly as I can. The emergent desire for man's social justice is really a sense of fairness beginning from his right to say and do as he pleases without violating others. A person desires to be his own servant and no one else. Unanswerable to no other unless he bounds himself therewith. That is, his freedom. This is consigned as justice. Value however can be qualified to use this freedom as he deem worthy. The person wants to put a value to his life and that is as he sees appropraite to it. Nobody can define that to him however society also makes its own judgement that does not, either, seeks for his approval and consent.
It may be generally said that while society, no matter how different its individuals, commonly hold standards and expectations, especially when they are dervied from people who hold in common this value and the neccesity of it, to begin with. When society steps in through political and judicial means to correct injustice in what it sees as the mistakes of individuals, it really loses its footing on the freedom of that individual.
Thus, I conclude by saying while the world may be extremly gray on such issue, politics or a judicial approach is not an answer to social injustice. The answer lies within the value system of the individual.

China quake and Myanmar cyclone

2008-06-28T22:42:00.005+03:00

Not too long ago, in China, there were strange happenings. Let me explain the usage of the term "strange". See, at first, China was celebrating in pompous fashion her hosting the Olympics. Now, this celebration did not remain on her shores. It transcended across her home boundaries and whiffed into the noses of other lands. And when this happened, it naturally received a mixed reaction. The Chinese diaspora, true to their roots, enchanted with nationalistic fervour and overwhelmed by a sense of unity with the motherland came out and poured into the streets with numbers and spirit to harp upon the Chinese accomplishment crowed and manifested, this time by China hosting the Olympics. Her first to date.
With that there were other dissenters. I am not sure what to say about them. Did they win? Were they heard? One thing for sure, Tibetian dissenters defenitely came out with a vengence to be heard. You could see them. If one missed them grabbing the Olympic torch or if they felt they miss the opportunity of grabbing the torch, they definitely grabbed the headlines with their. There were other dissenters. Quieter ones, who inflated themselves with the moral beliefs that China was undeserving of being a host to the Olympics. After all the Olympic are a testament to the human spirit. And China is definitely not a country to uphold that individuality and survival of the human spirit. No, China, by its own testament has squashed the human spirit. See, Tiananmen Square of 1989, see the Cultural Revolution and the Great Leap Forward. The communist government, according to many have never inspired the endearing name of upholder of human spirit neither has it be viewed to be anywhere near it. To the contrary, it is seen as an abuser of human rights. It actually stifles information, politcla participation and thus individual accomplishment. With time and change, it has definitely began lossening controls on individual rights. Or has it? Undoubtedly, there were dissenters with the decision of the Olympic committee to hand such a event over to Beijing. Some quiet some not as quiet.
As the protest, especially over Tibet took greater stage in political forums, governments and dignitaries had to choose. Sitting on the fence or remaining quiet was not fashionable at that time. It became an issue. Although Beijing the Olympic committee insisted that this was not a political setting and refuse to bring politics into the question, the dissentment did not go away. It was a moral issue, no doubt. A moral issue that had political implications. Something to do with justice and the law. Not international law, just a sense of right and wrong. Cases were made for and against.
There were a few political leaders who still refuse to attend to these matters. They insisted on turning a blind eye and a deaf ear. Some of them had previously been champions of human rights, democracy and such like. For once, we could find them no where. There were a few who were hesitant about coming into this shambles. It had more political stake than anything. These moral pinnings of the human soul and a political representation had a lot of stake in them. China is rising like a red dragon. Her diaspora has come out onto the streets like red dragons set on fire! And here she was demanding respect as a sovereign state to control her own philosophy and instill it on her citizens and those they claim to be theirs. They resented those who resent them. And this red dragon was not to be messed with. So, suddenly, Mr Bush, took a back seat. Suddenly, his spirit evaporated.
And the story is only begining!
With all this highlights, China became too big for herself. She burst. And I mean literally burst. Yea, like an earthquake, you know. The land rumble, the houses came down, and everything else along with it... No, this wasn't in a province, unknown tot he rest of the world. This was in the Sichuan province, a rising industrial center. Epic center was just outside the capital of the province and the tremors traveled 900 miles to the epic center of the Olympics. Slowly the death numbers rose, the damage valuation increased. The quake was measured at 7.9 just as the numbers of those left homeless started to be counted. And while at first Beijing did not seem to keen for help or attention. It soon realize it needed help. The measure of the blow sank in.
The was unrest and the government tried to stifle the noise. Other issues came into play as people began to examine corrupt practices such as cutting corners on infrastructue and the efficiency of response. The government felt it needed to silence media except for state media. Needed to keep a handle on its peoples mouth. And needed to control their feelings. Where had all your patrotism gone?
Suddenly, the diaspora deflated, they turn into victims and transported their energy into seeking for relief. Through the internet and other outreaches, they harness numbers to help the countrymen.
I began to think as China just began to feel its invincibility, just as patrotism turn into fervour... Babel fell.
I realised that just as dissenting took a back seat, for all you know the earth quaked. Out of it, maybe we heard something... Ask yourselve.
I only say, I don't this is an end, neither the Olympics...
Let me add, a little to the story. Not long before, all the rumble in China, there was a cyclone not to far way. In Myanmar. Another oppressive nation. Junta government to which China and India cozy up with because of its geographical advantages and natural resources. The death toll began its climb...

Near the Gulf of Mexico...

2008-06-28T21:46:00.005+03:00

I went to the beach... no, not langkawi, not trengganu or anywhere near penang...no, actually it was florida. There are many fascinations to this escapade. It is not as wild, as releasing an idea. But you know when you are let from a hole, anything seems nice. Any air to one about to suffocate is oxygen to the dead. That is how it felt when I left. And the sky was weeping with me, tears of joy! So, one of the trills was driving there. I must say I enjoyed driving. It was scary in the night when it rained. The trucks were an overwhelming force, not on one side but two! Coming at you on the flanks, like Ferdinand and Vidic, only with more legs. Admittedly, I was intimidated to the core. The next time I was at the wheel, I resolve to ignore their scare bullying tactics. But I wasn't about to risk being taken down by a whipping so mostly I like them speed ahead of me. Once I felt more confident, I began Ronaldo-ing... and then I was on the way to Florida! Honestly, I wish I had more time on the wheel.
I wasn't too impress with Florida. The place we landed in though was quiet. I think that quite made the trip. But once you step into the sand, smell the salt and just push your eyes to the horizon, squint it against the reflection of the sun on the waters, then you forget time, you forget boundaries, you forget problems. At that moment, it is all about that moment. Playing in the foamy waves was fun. Crashing into them was even better. The water was deep so nobody had to go too far out. I must say the thoughts of shark attack still scares me deep down. I enjoyed sitting in the sand, burying myself underneath. It was like a blanket. Tucked inside with all the trapped thermal energy, I would dry in minutes. The sunshine makes one feel closer to heaven, to gold, to glory. The ray was electrifying after days without the glow. The immensity did not seem overwhelming.
One late morning, I was traversing the outskirts and of the ocean, on my journey I saw people picking shells, just being lazy (that is the objective), fishing, swimming, running, etc; as I took note of my surroundings, I began to think of what really was the beach to people. I mean of course there were all these activities and other water sports: jet skiing, kayaking, sailing, boating, snorkeling, surfing, etc... Why and how do people appreciate the beach?
It is truely amazing that beach holds so many fascination. Just standing in the shallow waters, as I felt the jagged ways hit onto shore and retreat in foam, the sensation of shells being dragged by the current back into the ocean. When I stooped down and wondered my hand feeling their broken pieces, unshapely pieces and once in a while feeling something still perfect. I mean it is wonderful that are small pleasures in life we don't always dwell on. Maybe that afternoon as I stood there preoccupied with the sea shells, maybe I could have done more with that time but there are things God creates so attractive that I wondered at that moment of my Creator. It would be hard to go to the beach and frolick in the sand without stopping to breathe the air and just taking a private moment the smell of the wind. So it would be hard not to take a moment off and replenish the soul, to replenish faith in seeing small, very small things wield so much power.

Glory Glory Man Utd!!!

2008-04-30T02:20:00.002+03:00

I am so glad I found this website where I could watch Man Utd skim past Barcelona with a 1-0 win at Old Trafford. It was not exciting but it was definitely nail-bitting! God held Man Utd's post and I feel sorry for Deco, Messi and Henry! They had the ball possession, but we when away with the win now for a hearty all-England finals, first in history! cheers, mates!!!
Btw, thx Heineken and all sponsors... It is time for a Manchester United championship.

just in another day's work...

2008-04-29T07:39:00.002+03:00

ok, so full-of-joys i read your blog today again. your latest post and momo recollection of chew what-a-joke it was funny, i was sitting in the library and i just started laughing at the laptop. hahaha... anyway, it was really good communicating thru msn and i can't wait to come back and play sotong ball... i mean netball... watch man utd and go soccer crazy. talk about making fun of teachers and just having some fun. well, i say yss was stupid for not making u relief teacher, cause you and we were a vital part of history... we made history...well i miss the fact that communicating is so rare just because of every complication its lousy and frustrating... anyway, i hope to come back soon!!

today, was a really cold day. but because of that i spend a good time studying and watching letters of iwo jima. the movie was effective not just because of the goriness but the emotions communicated in the midst of all that blood and death; just left me at the edge of my seat. i could feel with almost every character, how war traps the individual on both sides of the field. and i think that it also makes me consider the enemy. the image of the enemy is so different when you look as them as people just like ordinary people.

well i am going to work hard and then i am going for a week break in florida and then back to work... God help me enjoy life to the best!!!

I am now LICENSED

2008-04-26T21:21:00.002+03:00

I felt really good yesterday. Probably the ultimate high of the week. On Wednessday I was feeling really cocky. But yesterday's feeling had a reason behind them. And the reason is...
I thought I was going to fail. This time it seem almost a clear failure path. Not because I thought I was nervous or that I would make mistakes. Instead, it was quite clear that I did not have one part of the test down to a science. That scare me. I though to myself that maybe I should not even try until I got it down. I knew that if ever I passed it would be nothing short of a miracle.
I had four hours of instruction with this certified instructor, a grumpy old man named Bee. He was as discouraging as could be. He would call his other students, do his stocks, even once forgot to bring the cones for practice. When we met him for half an hour before the test, it was clear he wanted to leave and he was both rude and sarcastic. It was clear, he thought I was going to fail.
By then I was tired, maybe the only energy I had was from stress. And sometimes, the only resort for dismal situations, the only hope, is prayer...
BUT, yes, I passed my test, didn't hit a cone and though I almost skip a traffic light and saw a man opposite getting arrested at a junction, I am now a license driver. Quite miraculously!!!
So we had a good dinner consisting of alaskan crabs and clams along with white wine..
Came back and drank a beer...
Thank God!! must also thank my father, unc abraham ad jere for fomenting the vision in such a short space of time. i must say it is always nice to beat the odds and defy the expectations. not just because its more fulfilling, but because it gives faith that miracles do happen when everything is out of your control!

The world is moving on. But where to...

2008-04-25T07:42:00.002+03:00

I haven't been blogging for a while, but finally I am back. While I have been away, things have changed. Not just with me personally, but more so with the world I live in. In a way it has not changed but rather the light has shifted on what it is really like outside there in thw worth we call earth, we call home.
The Olympics, one of the things I look forward to is coming up this summer 2008. It is taking place in China. China and the Olympics? The irony must strike you. The embodiment of the human spirit and the emblem of the destroyer thereof. There are all sorts of arguments and issues being raised. As the Olympic torch has taken its journey, riots have been sparked in some of the major cities. It may seem like one of those activist movements, struggles; you know the usually crazy passionate freaks who riot for what they may not even know alot about. But there is alot at stake here. This arguments have not to do with if heads of states should attend. If China should have been given the right to hold the Olympics, or is it if Tibet really belongs to China. There is a principle to it. The principle of liberty and doing what is honest and proper. Some people say there is no absolute truth. But there is and we are cowards to hide from it. Why are leaders so afraid do something? Because of money? This problem of choosing liberty usually stayed down in countries where democracy was a far cry but now it has come to the doorsteps of the champions of the political ideology itself. And they are hesitating...
China has abused its own people. In Tianeman Square, one of the worst pictures when tanks of soldiers ran amok and ran down students their comrades... And the Chinese cannot even feel sad for their own people, they support their government but worse, its ideology, its repression and they blame the western media. It is not about the western media which is bias, admittedly, it is about priniciples which are very obvious form an objective perspective. But people have not just be stupefiied, but pacified with material contentment and material satisfaction of filthy lucre they would sell their souls.
Another thing that has taken of highlight mode, is the rising prices of food necessities. Daily staples such as rice, bread, milk and eggs have increase all over the world. No one is spared; neither rich nor poor, neither industrial countries nor agricultural sectors; neither young nor old. Of course, though the poor and defenceless are the ones that suffer the most from this events. But nobody really knows why this is happening? Nobody, no eocnomist dare even predict why this is happeing. That is why I think this is serious. Because it is baffling. I don't know I smell Malthus and then I smell something fishy... somebody is playing games...

Defining moment

2007-11-29T02:25:00.000+02:00

Right now, I am looking forward to the sky weeping an ocean. Oh God let it rain so I can go outside and frolick like the world is only about moments like this. Wishful thinking? But I would pray to the God of the Heavens and earth, let it rain on the dry, cold earth.
I remeber the red sky nights with the breezy winds so strong that the flower pots drop the soil escaping and the shoes all wet. I remember the smell of the earth so comfortable, so refreshing to the everyday soul. And it is for these defining moments I crave now.

Solving conflicts

2007-11-16T23:46:00.000+02:00

My sister has changed her blog skin but I am not going to change mine. Why? Becasue I am lazy. That describes my state. Almost everything is over except for presentation and a paper that has to be handed in then I think I am going to prepare for finals. But I was thinking just now that I should try not to be too ahead.. that just goes out to stress me but at the same time I don't like last minutes because I need space to get ready. So I don't know really know what to do...
I went to this organisation which is suppose to be an international org that helps the community and at the same time it is a social org. But what really disturb me is that in theri meeting they focus more on the social aspect. I think that people do not believe we all stand to gain from seriously solving a problem head on. Everyone is v self interested as though they are all very susicious about each other. Sometimes I just wonder if that would help anybody, i mean it is once agian superficial and such a waste of resource because the next generation will go on wasting resources to leave it unsolved and the cycle continues. It is quite baffling.
Anyway, recently LKY said he thinks that stability is more important than democracy. Wow, he is becoming so blatant and getting away with it!!

Ice hockey game- surrounding echos-

2007-10-20T23:00:00.000+03:00

The other day, we were at the game. I just remembered my thoughts enough to blog. And we were standing but the people were tall and chunky, I could not really see much of anything. Therefore, I was standing behind this person in a small room either he was an official or a technician during the games he would mend something or at least sit in the room. The room is this really small box and it is transparent, so I could stand behind and catch a glimpse of the game.
The atmosphere was intense. People were cheering. And they would go from vulgarities to politiness in their manner of speech, or should I say cheer. Sometimes it was funny sometimes it was mean. And yes, one could definitely laugh, you know what for be so critical of the game. But I just felt they were all so trapped in their world and it was kind of bitter resentment all translating into this energy in the game.
But before that, let me tell you what make me think this way. So this man sitting in his small box, when there was a goal he hardly even flinch, goal for either side, he never once blink. And those students next to him they were the exact opposite all gone wild. Like that was the heaven dropping. And right before me this stark contrast just frighten me beyond words I was so captivated by it. This old man had prob seen so many of these games they made no sense in his head his coldness in comparison to the vibrancy of the young spectators send chills down my spine. It was cold blooded.
I couldn't enjoy the game anymore. I felt that, at that point, that was the representative of life. And I realised there was no running away from it. The foolish screams and trying-to-be-funny insulting cheers that they made against the goalkeeper from the other team just did not seem right. It seemed crueled. For once, I understood a game is a game and more than the game is human comrade. I am not communist. I just felt like something sank. Now that is depressing.

Fairy tale

2007-09-25T06:43:00.000+03:00

The girl lies on her bed. Falling into its soft cushion. Today is her birthday soon within minutes it would pass. And she tries to go to sleep. The day wasn't bad but it wasn't as she wish it had been. She would not admit it to herself. It was not bad and she thought to be happy of that. But it was her birthday some years back. And she didn't dare ask for more. But she wanted to. She wanted to feel that it was cherished and remember not just with a few gifts but by having people around. Her family and friends. And now they were so distant.
She lies on her bed; she is tired almost exhausted. But she won't fall into a deep sleep. Blame the allergies and she keeps taking pills so she would fall asleep but she does not. She can't. Because it is haunting her mind. The lack of extraordinary is.

Over Lunch...

2007-09-18T21:40:00.000+03:00

I am sitting facing the glass panel that does not shield the sunlight from me. It falls all over me as I take my food. People move in and out, bouncing with life. Just going along-- sometimes being dragged, other times pushing. It is not like eating really gives you the energy to survive. Neither does it condition our soul to circumstances.
It seems like in our life time we get to know life as we see it and we don't change it unless circumstances forces us to. Thats when we learn that outside this spectrum we dictate to ourselves as habitat there are other conditions the equate to habitat to others almost like us except they don't live like us.
That sums up life in a way, knowing and getting to know the way life wants you to see it.

Exam

2007-09-13T07:27:00.000+03:00

Bloody Econ test today. The teacher kept talking at the first part. Shut up. It was so irritating. Plus I was tensed enough. I have a feeling it won't be good. And I am disappointed.
I almost forgot I had a class after that just because my whole brain was in a very tense atmosphere and I could not let it relax.
I have another one on Friday. Would be glad when it ends. But honestly I feel less pressure htis week so I should not complain.

Little thought...

2007-09-11T00:24:00.000+03:00

We went through Karl Marx. Funny thing is I feel less hatred for him. I feel sorry for him, really. I mean I still don't know the whole inside story but I feel it was not ill intention or a wan tof power or anger that drove him to such a theory. In fact, it almost seemed well intention just plain stupid. At first it is alluring, bu the assumptions in this case are very naive.
For one thing, it makes me feel better.

Inter-reactions

2007-09-07T07:01:00.000+03:00

I am thinking about human relationship. Not anything specific. Just everybody around me. The interactions of the universe, of people wit those around them. And interactions are just not what one does with an acquaintance, is the thoughts, the presumptions and assumptions, the questions, the gossips,etc.. What one may not say or even does not feel or think as well. Those are the way that make us what we are, and how we relate to others.
That is so empowering. That is so huge. Just take a while to imagine just between one person and another then times that by the multitude. It is a spectacle. Everything comes into play. Especially the immensity.
I really don't know what to do with it. I just wonder and I cannot ever apprehend it. I feel so belittled by that very thought. Think what expressions what delusions what atrocities we commit every day. We ruin life with those shatters.

The imagine translating that onto our immediate relations. We are dealing through our hearts, through our feelings and our mind and trying to communicate and receive the result of our communications. And then we interpret messages as we again measure it up.
And we cause something in another. Another with a life and measuring cylinder like us, but then not quite like us. Can anyone even quantify that?

It is bloody amazing. But so scary.

Everyday and today

2007-09-03T07:24:00.000+03:00

I do have a lot of work to do. It just that its too much. So every now and then, I take a break. Sometimes, it is especially long. I have a question bothering? When do I continue to write. I wish I wish I would be so inspired I would do it now. And then there is tomorrow. But there would not always be tomorrow.
I have bloody econ to do and that is so tedious. I mean I always love it till now. I don't know why? I should not be afraid to work to use my brains but somehow I am. I am afraid to let it work.
Writing Journal is nice. Write anything one once to write but being ask to keep a journal... seems we are back to sec 1 and 2. where teachers have nothing better for yout o do so they sk ou to keep journals that make you and then link for an eternity. And if you have nothing to write frabicate something. that is what we do in journals.

But I have to try. So I am going to try.

probability and possibility

2007-08-29T01:58:00.000+03:00

I have been reading today on my bed because i am tired. last night i stayed till 4 am to finish stupid econ question which are not really conceptual more like math questions. which is really stupid to waste time on such things, i am studying economics not math.
ANYWAY, i was reading about realism and about how real threats are. it just makes me feel people are really fickle and forgetful. i think i am too. forgetfulness is the bane of a lot of things when society is generally forgetful we tend to first, underestimate things, and then subsequently, we lose focus and reap the consequences of our injustice. time and again, we have heard this story and yet we just don't see to come to term with it.
i man, i agree some people do instigate things and heat the fire to disproportionate amounts and it is not right either.
where do we draw the line???

Reconcilation

2007-07-25T12:54:00.000+03:00

The month of July and it nears the end. The reminder in the cup is shallow. What thoughts would saturated the dregs of the cup...
People always talk about the limitations. The problem is that I do not recognized the limitaions. For example, when I play I do not know the limitations and I cross the boundaries. Which apparently is a clear thin lline to everyone else. In a way it is also true for myself. I must regonize the threshold. No, I don't. It crosses my mind that I may never know my endurance level until I break it or touch it.
And it occurs to me that the sense of it is reasonable. Are there signs that point to the eventuality? I have been trying to gauge. I am in the midst of the study and I would rerasonably answer that yes there is, mostly thought the interpretations can vary. It calls for closer attention. Concentration.
I need to concentrate. Be concious of things around me.
So as July 07 slips out of my hand like the grains of sand, time will eventually run out on us all, I reckon that it only remains to be said that I did regret no paying close attention to life around me. What is it? Is it selfishness and deceit that negates that attention. Or is it just a mere stupididty that results in sucha lack of study?
The interesting thing is that the boundary is nominal. It flips and turns according to occasion and circumstance. It therefore requires experiments that may be too costly because they involve human feelings.

the month of July

2007-07-23T11:33:00.000+03:00

Honestly, I think that reading too much, filling myself from head to toe with the words of books, make me lifeless after a while. Just like the adage all work and no play makes jack a dull boy. I think reading too much take the purposes and inspiration out of words. I feel that I trap myself in an entanglement and lose the meaning of the toiling and the reason for expression.
So when I pull myself out of it all and look back, I realize why it was such a sombre journey so dilapidated of energy. It gets boring and tedious when I do not remember the conviction and urge that has stirred up such great vengence so that I had a belief that I needed to pen it down through much toil and labour. Even the ideas lose its spirit and form. They merely stroke the fire of frustration.
Coming back to earth, to the touch of reality brings back every other touch. It takes away the stress.
Now, I have began to read, once again, The Wealth of Nation. Wealth, says Hobbes, is power. I do think that reading it has both a sense of boredom and liveliness. Boredom because it is tedious going through every idea only to feel the dryness of each thought. Just like words would do. They always do that. But liveliness because every though dry and lifeness connect meaning to facets of a pulsating world. Yet boredom again, because so what that it does? And still lively, because your mind is occupied. The argument goes on.
I have been wondering all this while what to do. Education they say is not that important after all. At least soformally. Because one can always educate oneselve. The problem that in the ways of the world you have to be out there to see it. It is not just the formal education but the breakthrough in society. A cruel market that we need to be wise as serpents. The only way to get that wise part is to get acquainted with it.
The good part is that it has been raining this few nights. the red sky, just the thought of it make sme feel the cozy night and when the trees sashay to the beat of the rain, it is a heavenly perspective. Wherever you are you cannot be denied that pleasure. Only the deaf or blind.
If I do not move, I can travel. If I do not move I can stay hidden here. I can hide under the covers. I can go for escapes. I can sit under the moon. I can linger in thoughts and sleep late. I will be sheilded from almost everything.It won't be a painless exsistence, just less painful.
Then I will go back to Cameron soon.

Whereabouts..

2007-07-13T12:01:00.000+03:00

Till Monday, it will b break or make. Scary.
Anyhow, I am glad to finish another chapter. Or least I hope it is. At least for now. I think it came of quite well mixed, the facts and the non facts, alos I think the theory and the ideas is there. Hopefully it is well explained. I will definitely have to revisit it but at least for now it has taken some form the upgrading and add ons can come in later.

In a moment.

2007-07-10T10:28:00.001+03:00

The bird flies into the horizon. I see its jaggered-end wings flap rythmatically and soon I hear it as well. It hits the air heavily. Like when one flaps a dusty mat and suddenly the dust falls off into life.. Taking to the sky, its breathe is drawn in in magnificent and you could hear the tiny heart so high in the sky with all the majesty and illusions you have never touch. You wonder at the serenity through it in such an exhilerating occassion. It is slow and pronounced, so that it is almost close to my ears and I can feel the vibration. Slowly it just drops out of sight as the last drop of refreshing cold water into a thirsty soul and then close your eyes and ravish the memory.

The Proverbs of Solomon.

2007-06-28T05:18:00.000+03:00

What is the world without evil? What is a plot without a villian?
I am reading Proverbs and some how there are those verses that stick out. That keep my head in an equilibrium. They don't dash hope neither do they raise onto exhilaration. No, they just encourage the path of the righteous. And if not, they persuade one therein.
Today I read this, Hope deferred maketh the heart sick:but when desire cometh, it is a tree of life. And this, In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. And this, Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness. And this, A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit. So many others, it would just go on and on. I love to read Proverbs.

Coming back form a hiest.

2007-06-26T11:31:00.000+03:00

Finally, I am back. Not that I am really happy because I love Cameron. There is something really tranquil about it. It is not exactly exciting or unruly. What do I do there. See, maybe nothing interesting at all. But that is just how it is so assuming. Never expecting more. But it does not get boring. Maybe it is because we have been there since I was born, nay, since I was in the womb.
Quite fun when we were traveling back too. Th car forming shawdows through the Malaysian highway. I was entertained in a very causual way. Felt dreamy. Passing through the small malaysians towns, stopping at the Jejantas... for Tandas breaks. Hmmm.. funny things can happen when you can't read malay. and even when you are too dreamy.
Aanyhow. when I came back, it was so hooot and humid!!! Goodness gracious! Last night though, it rain. It really rain cats and dogs. The sky was bloodshot and the wind ghastly even while I was watching tv in the night. When I went out and walk on the corridor, the wind blew the rain in my face. Suddenly the night seem really cool, the rearth ewas soaked and the trees swaing away drenched tot he roots. Imagine the smell!! The feeling was estatic. The raindrops were inspiration and comfort to sore heat. The wind blew carefree.. lifting me up momentarily.
It was really strong. Everything was covered in the night's mist so distinctly. Streetlights were hitting onto the tiny drops of water falling from heaven and pelting on the solid earthy roads And it seems like in that time of the day I was so happy I was prvileage to be up to just sink in with the feeling. Amazing.
Currently I am reading Alexis. I really like him. I think he just drives language with a flare of poetry. The substance and readibility is compactly framed. When I read I feel that he enjoyed writing it.

Just another...

2007-05-30T00:48:00.000+03:00

See the promblem is this. Sometimes you just cannot understand what I mean. Because it is me. Then at the same time I really wish some one could but then we are different. So I could not cleep tonight there is another night. And I am trying to go through it. Why I get frustrated and bothered at all. It is of wonder even to me. Today or rather the night before. I really felt like smashing it. So many preoccupations I felt the encumberance so that I felt it was no use. This morning, it helps to loose th etension and I am sitting at this compute bitter that I could not understand nor communicate yester night. What i was about. I just wish I knew. Today, is an other day but they same questions and delimas puzzule me. I am just happy to accoplish whatever yester had so today maybe the load is lighter.

Why you cna't talk to people. they think you anything but as you think yourselve. So it is safer not to. The good is temporary so must be the bad and time is infinity. How encouraging! There is nodbody to talk to because God would have it that I trust in Him. One can be so easily side tracked.

I love you. Really do. I never say what I don't mean how could I properly figure out this game. Please don't paly casue I am really not playing. When you are frighten, it is easy to be overcome, so that is what I am. I feel terrified at mere prospects. How many people take its path but I was trying to evade it.

Accomplishing somewhat is so in the middle, Should I rejoice too early?

Portions of the Journal

2007-05-24T20:02:00.000+03:00

The caged metal machinary was moving. Moving away after a brief pause. The people below was chanting to the rhythm of capitalism. Tea? Coffee? Water? Then the train picked up speed and faster and faster. There was no turning back. Their faces and voices... the tea boy and the flower girl.. their faces drifted out of sight.

Barely a road and the vehicle jerked every second as it made its way up. Up and heaven ward as the cold air seeped through the cracks of that old toyota. It was the only vehicle tolerated for our journey. We were nearer to the clouds and below us those steep valleys so purely green, carved into terraces. The dew dropped and we flew midst the mist. They were hititng the rocks and going at it again and again- almost never ceasing- to built a border that would give space for a barely tangible road. In the cold air they toiled for heat. We stelthly crept up behind.

The car slided along the highway. The seat was almost pushed back and the sky was hot and overcast. It was fast, a slideshow. Pass those palm plantations and coconuts tress lined the fields. All neat and systematic. In them, it was dark and hidden. Shadows prevented my straying eyes. We moved on through the scenes. In and out of zones of rain and sunshine. The road pelted us to destination.

Behind the blinds

2007-05-14T09:45:00.000+03:00

Today, I feel like rhyming. I can write and I am inspired but it is not coherent. Now it is a good song. Not ever thing is good.
My friend, somedays I wonder how do you see something in the scope of time when you do not have the sight.
I just trugging through the dense folliage.
The bright side of life, is there is faith and promises and life is not over, it is just beginning.
If you know what it has taken to write this... you will appreciate it...
HG

India (Trains of people)

2007-05-06T18:57:00.000+03:00

I remenber trying to communicate with this girl in India. She was from Gujarat- the home state of Gandhi- and she could not speak English at all, hardly even able to understand the language. She look somewhat younger than me, she was a helper in the house, cleaning the house, serving the guest, of which I was one, and washing up after that. And so when I asked her questions or tried to it was met by a polite smile and giggles. Finally, I thought of a way to ask her age. So I pointed to myself and that started using my fingers to communicate my age.. one, two, three.... eighteen. And then I pointed at her and said one, two three, we counted togehter to sixteen fingers.. It was really an interesting little experiance. It felt nice to be able to bond and communicate with this person , her face full of cheer. I mean I could see all the loneliness and problems of her job and yet here was this person teaching me about cheer, briming with fun in her face while I was depilated with the fatigue of journey.
There was on the train, this army colnel, yes the indian army... He had a stern look and he was poised and when he did his meals there was something meticulous and strong gracefulness to which he peeled those onions and added the spices. I was just looking at him and thinking he must be quite a dignified person and then later I found out he was from the army. So he was talking about politics and India, quite interesting conversation.
Then I think this guy was a Gurkha, he was sitting on the top bunk and there was something very sullen and strict about him sitting on the top bunk. He held his poise and composure not getting bored or ruffled by the boredom and dreary journey. When he came out of his position or bought a tea, I was just fascinated becasue he wouldn't move for hours. And yet his eyes revolve around the train like somebody well trained and comtemplating, suspicious for the first sign of trouble nad yet so calm.
Train talks are fun! Here and there were interesting ones...

India

2007-05-03T22:45:00.000+03:00

So, about India. There were so many funny things. It made traveling less hetic more fun. Once when we were qqueeze in the small taxi and the heat and fatigue of the journey was overpowering us we stop next to a police vehicle. And then, near the petrol guzzule hole there was a picture of a boy urinating against the wall... Corrupted police Conversations with people on the train in places. Traveling can be fun and really interesting!
Anyhow, I was just thinking it is quite impossible to pen down alot of this simply becasue these memories are part of a puzzule. The sights and smells of India are very hard to draw. Just memories.
But somehow, I think going there taught me how interesting life can be and also not to complain. Thats why I enjoyed it!!

Journey in India

2007-04-23T17:58:00.000+03:00

I spend about 2.5 weeks in India. India is a subcontinent, it is vast in terms of cultures, languages and people. And now, many expect India to become a prominent player in world economics and maybe in world politics and to an extent military wise as well.
As I was walking around one fine afternoon, it was under the Mumbai sun and hot really hot, in a commercial district, there were small tiny shops all around those of which were warned not to get charah from, I had to wonder where was India all this time. India with its population and its confidence where has it been; among the Indians there is this rising steam but it has never taken them far as of yet.
I had to wonder because there is so much promise, there is so much talent, enterprise and that is madness enough to be a substantial part of this world. And yet it has never really shined. And now people are predicting its rise. Ten years ago they predicted it will be somewhere today and yes it is, today we are predicting a trascendency of India. For me, it seems slow. I suppose the change must have been somewhat because they are rebuilding and constructing and have been. Maybe the question should not be why it is rising, it should be why it is not what it should be.
People there are essentially friedly. Very friendly. They are welcoming and pleasant. They have alot to say. And many of the people are met were interesting. Their insights have been refreshing for thought in those long journeys.
Maybe one of the most commented things about India is the gap between the rich and the poor. There is always a gap in societies and sometimes the gap is breached by the "range of middle classes" One thing interesting was the slums. I thought they reflected human strength of toleration and yet the uncivilize nature of man. Whether you are rich or poor, everybody lives among the stench so now they are trying to get rid of all the undesirable effects for this they have to touch the untouchables. The modern lower caste of modern India. I think I have not seen the worst of it yet!

Slums against the backdrop of scrapers. One side is the JW Marriot and the other side is these
street beggars marketing old vegetables on the pavement next to stray dogs and garbage.
Yes, there is the side of Mumbai that shows off the talent of
India, it's new computer-savvy generation and brilliant engineers, the fast growing call centers and bollywood
and then right across the street: illiterate, dressed in rags, people without a roof over their head; there was
this huge slum and the whole community was a center for manual laundry. It is colourful like the indian sari.

I think the food was interesting too. Not even snacks is simple in India. Indian ice-cream was
was unique. It had a light scent of spices. There was so much food. When we went to the restuarants
to eat we were started of with soup and onions topped sprinled with lemon. The onions were not pungents, they
owned a fine taste and were crunchy. I heard if onions were to go up by just 1 rupee there would be riots.
Imagine that. Onions are an integral part of the indian cusine and no meal is complete without
this spice. Onions can make you cry. Then we had roti. Any kind:nun with garlic, plain... all types. Meal was
not over yet. There was the rice. Sometimes including chinese fried rice and Tandori chicken which I have never enjoyed so much
in my life. Juciy and tender. And then the drink. TOO rich, so much so that I could barely drink half a cup.
And top that with desert. The funny part was my father said I thin down when I came back. Imagine that
Oh, the bad part to India cusine beside being too much. Is the involvement of too much salt, ghee, coconut oil...

Coming so far for now...

In spite of myself.

2007-04-18T21:58:00.000+03:00

I would really want to blog about my visit to (south) India. Especially after I have read Edward Luce's book In Spite of the gods, I can just imagine all these stories maybe just a lesser version seeing how he spend much time and resources there. But thats it about traveling, stories put together into clusters so that they produce a picture that corelates themes and ideas so you understand more about people and place particularly of that locality. Luce is also funny.
But I think I don't have the composure yet to pen so fluidly as he does. Well, it has to be soon and it is a weight on my shoulders. I need to lift it soon by doing just what I need to do- no more procrastination.

UEFA 07' quater finals

2007-04-11T03:59:00.000+03:00

In the wee hours of the morning, if you were snoring away, you miss the fun. The rest of the day may drag on and correctly the fun of events and news die down like smothering fire... BUT...football steals the show somedays.
Manchester United thrashed Roma 7-1 to create an aggregate of 8-3.There is no other word for such a scoreline at this impeccable level of football then, soundly, thrashed. By the end of the first half, the scoreline was merciless, 4-0. And yet it seem Manchester was still hungry and predating for the next bite. Poaching up front, its midfielders and strikers kept the chances coming and though the game laspe a bit in pace it was still a frenzy of action. At least, on Man Utd part. Fairly, to Roma, though it tried its gods could not save the day. It seem God was against them. Here and there, come and go, they were a laughing stock. Only once in the second half, united's defence lax for Roma to take home a consolation, if it was any, and break the egg by a breach in united's alertness.
Humbling for Roma it was, for Valencia, it was even more humbling. While Roma were deftly beaten at their game, Valencia was fooled. Both Chelsea and Valencia came in with a goal each from the previous match, the match was compelling even at the begining of second half with Chelsea a goal down. It was down to Schenckvo goal to equalize and Essien to take it home. Culminating in the defeat of Valencia was their utter inability to save the wreckage: when they thought the game was over, it was all but that. Humilation cannot be less painful and cruel.
Hey, I have more, relatively personal ,comments to make about the match from a surveyor's point of view... wait up!!

The End to All Over Again

2007-03-19T13:42:00.000+02:00

Restrain- hard to feel
in my anger
Disproportionately rush to my head
blood trottles in hunger

Feel the sweat
Life has it's own way
of putting the brake
so a moment seems bigger than a day

Like colours scrawled before mine eyes
Valleys and hills trailing the path
Shades of green lingering all over
My heart skips a beat to laugh

Yes a dry long laugh
That creeps and echos through the system
So intense and scattered,
I know not what to make of this interim

It is all very mixed up-
like there has to be a jewel
amidst all the leaves strewn over
There's never irony more cruel

I pound my head over
and over; somewhere there
I suppose am to find the
answer of why anger I bare

The feelings well like water
gushing over my soul- forbidden-
illustration or words
could find the jewel hidden

Now, if I were to find it
a beetle so small and tiny- this jewel-hidden-under
I light a match
And throw it in the fire.

Need an end to a story
It's what killed the heroine
or maybe even the happily ever after
Just walk away and throw it in the dustbin

Pressure (cont)

2007-03-18T19:35:00.000+02:00

well actually, i have more to say about stress. now that is me being irritating. no its not i just enjoying being who i am that is to say irritating. what disturbs others only makes me omre interested. it is called reaction to human action (RHA). as esther likes to say i am annoying. and as i like to say she is insolent.

She is.

Anyhow, this stress thing is not about her. It is about her and us. Actually esther is one person that prefers to sloth. She is stressed by insolence. Kind of why I love to stress her out. Cause i am a cause to a cause. Ultimately, she stresses herself out!

I am talking about stress that my sister is going through. She is stress because it concerns her future. When you feel the weight of your world on your tiny frames of shoulder blade. I know that feeling. I use to think that if i don't do well, everything is going to crush. Not just failing others but yourself. It is scary. Now there is adrenaline which keeps pushing you. And more adrenaline!!! The no return scenerio. A chance lost now is lost forever.

Why does society do it? Are we using such scenerios to get those who are really good at what they do or those who can handle the stress?

The module of such a system, what is it base on? You get the logic you can work them out. cause if not it is them controlling you.

Much of this system rotates on fear I think. The human mind is trained to react to fear, to resolve in preventive measures. Some people are stressed by some things others by other things. Do you do better at the things you fear?

Pressure

2007-03-14T18:01:00.000+02:00

I was just telling someone how stress can be good. In a way, we can enjoy stress.

But htere is one kind of pressure that I CANNOT ENJOY!!!

Admittedly, I am quite paranoid about a lot of things sometimes. Even reading books can become a sort of deep affliction. Being drighten to a unrealistic point can be cause dbut a lot of things, I don't know what causes mine. It can also turn to become a lot of stress hwich forces me to do things otherwise I may be lax about.

Pressure of being around people, society is something I am trying to get use to. I think it is important to be rid of this form of retardament. But what really confuses me is when the oppression comes from people within. Around me. People who I am acquainted with on a daily basis. And they don't seem to let go! I need to get away form them, they add to this paranoia and stress becaus ethey are unreasonably poking in, stroking the fire unknowingly. Why do I not face them in the face? Because I think they are causing other stress. It will be good for me to get rid of all the others before I come to them. I need the space and the time.

Past and Future-- tense

2007-03-13T17:55:00.000+02:00

The pespective is present but we are always thinking about before or afterward. Mostly it is true. There are times I satisfy the current. Like eating, drinking and sleeping.

Actually, it is just a thought passing by and I thought it was interesting to put down. For me, I feel that why I can't ever really enjoy, is because I think too much about the future and even the present sometimes i don't dare to give it a paranomic perspective. Like lets say now. I fel sacred cause I am afraid of the future. If I were to sit down now, it may be wondrous to thing that all that has happen... Everything good and bad. Maybe that is what faith is all about. Just occured to me.

There was also the other conversation where I said why do some people have the ability to work some kind of job that does not matter to them except for a livelihood. Wwell of course there is that need for survival which is such a core issue to life. What about all the people who come here from other countries to work in menial jobs. Some of them are people who are smart, have an education, maybe they are more intelligent than you or I. It is incredible. Wwhen we talk about meritocracy? I don't know. Anyhow another of those passerby thoughts, eh.

WORKING

2007-03-07T05:58:00.000+02:00

I don't work and have never worked, which dosqualifies me from writing this. No it dosen't!!

Was talking with some people about working and the question was posed: do I like to work?

I think if there was a reason I liked to work it would be to earn money of my own, that will lift my confidence and spirit, no doubt. Another thing though is I have to get a job that means something to me. Everybody likes that! Well, but some people can go without it, I can't. I will be yawning before lunch and it could turn out to be not a confidence booster. I have to be passionate about something. But like what one of my friends said, it is a practical thing for people to earn to get a living no matter what job. So what about this people who do jobs that does not mean something to them? Well, I think we can look at this a few ways. Firstly, it does mean something to them: it means money. And for them that is the only thing that concern them, survival is the idea. So this ability to work on things that don't mean something to you is it genetic or upbringing. Seriously, someone almost look as if she got racist over it, though yet maybe she was right but the expression came out wrong. Genes or Environment? I just wonder...

Update

2007-03-03T11:48:00.000+02:00

I am updating on my whereabouts. What have I been doing is such a constant refrain in talking to anybody- from my parents to people I talk to on blue moons. I think this will serve to answer your queries and curiosity why I have not been up to anyhting according to you.
There is no angst to this.
I have been reading and musing on things I do not understand trying to acquescience ideas that I hear of but never solemly try to apprehend or formulate for myself. Now I am doing that. And I suppose for greater readership, it has been a very long and tedious process. It is not however boring or a great waste of time because it has serve my own mental sate of mind in easing queriries and polishing my education of the brain.
In between, this writng and reading process, I find myself in need of playing. So I have been playing soccer, rugby and running- working on both my stamina and speed. After returning from the Philippines having spend three weeks there, I am not trying to get back the energy I need. Again for wider readership, I suffer from great losses of bouts of energy which is very hard to reatin to whenever I put myself at strain or where my body strains itself mentally or physically. Playing with friends or strangers. Or sometimes running by myself.
After which I spend a great time loitering, considering that it is a past time I would never possess again. Traveling is included incessantly in loitered time. Soon I will be making a pilgrimage to Incredible India! Where for the first time, I will be flank by both thawing prosperity and roaring poverty in Mumbai and Bangalore who knows in Gujarat as well. They would however not affect to much as I am now reading the denounciation of the Poor laws written by Malthus in the theory of population. And I would understand the practical problems of population that has enchanted poor Malthus to toil in suh a futile endeavour of explaining this things to us only to find years later his theories being overthrown. Nevertheless, the many concerns he has is almost realistic and his theories are terribly sensible right now. In the course of which, I have been baffled time and again by how he could be wrong. Maybe he failed to have seen the whole truth.
So now, that I have explained it all. I am intending to meet some friends in this coming week. And be more energetic!!!

2007-03-01T22:11:00.000+02:00

i have thoughts i don't describe, things i have not siad. if i die now i worry what would become of them. and p eople i have not talk to for a long time. are they even real. i sleep and tomorrow may come but who knows what the morrow brings so subtle. if i was even ther. i thought friends and yet sof ar from me. what a pity science could not overcomeance and i could not overcome this parts. i was so far thinking of coming back and so far it just seem enormous

sentences

2007-02-28T12:58:00.000+02:00

Rainy. Like the heavens are crying. For joy or for sadness?

Celeboratry poemed

2007-02-27T15:40:00.000+02:00

the 70TH post of my blog! how should we celebrate this?
yesterday there was the rain and rainbow. today, what was there?
i am looking for something in my mail box. is it there?

the funny thing is it is night and the clock on the screen shows it is morning. do you get what i mean?
i am suppose to start writing. and what have i written?
did not play today. why is that?

and on and on and on... they tell the story. where did it end?
i fell asleep on the chair. who woke me up?
this may be the first poem in a long while. why is that?

i tell myself i won't forgive and yet i want to reconcile. with who?
you are thinking if it is you. is it?
i am not upset, depress, estatic, excited. then what am i?

i write and i think. where are they all now?
i have taken my dinner and pure fruit juice. was it good?
the hour prior has passed. does it come back?

the next time you read this. think of me. Who are you?

Soccer: when we play.

2007-02-25T14:54:00.000+02:00

this evening, we played football. the best thing was it rained in the afternoon. both the air and ground were fresh. not everybody likes to play when it is muddy cause it would be slippery. but i enjoy slidding in the mud no matter how frustrating it is when i always slip and miss kicking the ball. we were all drenched in mud and sweat! and yes we had a jolly good time.
thats why i love playing and feeling sweaty and kicking the ball! i just love the feeling. i may not be very good now but i still love playing!
expressing myself, HG

23 Feb: writing sometime before the month fizzles out.

2007-02-22T19:30:00.000+02:00

Courage is about overcoming fear.

Almost half this month had been spend in the Philippines. Things that happen in life no matter how small do make a difference. Taking the punches life throws, absorbing it like a punching bag, lifeless thing is not easily done.

The big question is always WHY? There is never really an answer, I think. Sometimes the biggest questions in life are never answered not even at the end of life. Thinking more about it only dishes out more dissatisfaction with life and its lack of answers.

The good thing is that life is a journey. It moves on. So sometimes no matter how big the world looks today. It changes tomorrow. Maybe that's the good of change.

The easiest thing to do is sit here. It is harder to stand up. But sitting, in the first place, was hard getting there.

Advice

2007-01-24T16:40:00.000+02:00

Here is what the Nutritionist says! Hear, Hear..

"1. Fried food is made by completely submerging a food item in hot fat(some type of oil). The degree to which this method of food preparation is"bad" depends on A) how long the food is submerged B)The temperature ofthe fat C)Most important! The TYPE of oil used. Basically, because I knowyou arent THAT interested in this, try to avoid eating too many friedfoods! They contain high amounts of both saturated and trans fats. Bothare very bad for your weight, heart, and arteries. These fats clog bloodpassages--Some people describe blood flowing through the arteries of aperson who eats fried food akin to trying to suck thick soup through astraw! Grooose. So, STAY AWAY from fried foods! (P.S. It wont hurt too bad to indulge in them once a week or so)" -Molly Eyler, Nutritionist.

I am really scared that my blood flow is going to be as describe. It is enough a picture to keep me a good distance from fried food. Though I definitely think that they should be indulged in once in a blue moon, I think it will be nice to know my blood does not look like thick soup!

2. Coke! Also a good question. Like fried food, alot of people want to stay away from drinking regular Coke because it contains rediculously high amounts of sugar. Its basically like eating a ton of candy. It contains this horrible form of refined sugar called "high fructose corn syrup"--this you can see on almost any food label. Sugar makes you fat AND makes your teeth rot out! Also, "According to numerous household cleaning Websites, soda can clean your toilet, eliminate rust from a car bumper andremove grease from clothing." So, imagine what it does to your stomach! So, then, everyone wants to know if DIET Coke is the way to go??? Good question! The reason it's "healthier" is because it doesn't contain any real sugar. Instead, it gets its sweet taste from what are called"artificial sweeteners" (chemicals that are made in a lab to resemble the taste of sugar--Known most commonly as Splenda, Aspritame, etc.) These aren't supposed to be bad for you, but personally I don't trust anything that is made in a lab and hasn't been out on the market for more than 10 years. I still drink diet drinks though, just try to drink mostly milk and water."- Molly Eyler, Nutritionist

I think it is good knowing that except for the sugar coke doea not kill. A very valid evidence is that I am still alive. And since coke can clean the grease from my intestine, so much the better esp after eating fried food. But of course, I am going to drink bottle water as I think the water in Singapore, otherwise known to me as toliet bowl cum drain water has toooooooo much "purification chemicals"; and milk, my favourite: if babies can live of milk, so can I!

And finally for the last question of the blog:

"3. BK vs MacDonalds! HA! What a question! Avoid both, for goodness sakes!Actually, these days it really isn't necessary to. Both offer GRILLED chicken sandwiches, salads and fruit--all good things! What you want toavoid are the fries, hamburgers, and fried fish and chicken. And the coke of course!"- Molly Eyler, Nutritionist

Well, I think that means (in other words or in short) stay of the fast food whosoever they be. But I really think that is a HARD saying. I mean we go to these places to chew on the fries and drink the coke and just sit down there and watch tiome fly by. OK, anyhow I am going to try. Next time we want a meeting place it won't be the fast food it will be Cold storage other wise known as the Fresh food people!

Final advice:
"Heres what I recommend for a healthy body and healthy mind! (For, eating the right kind of food and exercise GREATLY benefits the mind) Think back to the early days of civilation...When people were sustainable, they lived off of fresh, home grown fruits and veggies, bread, meat, eggs, and water! Nothing processed or chemical! This type of diet is what our bodies can handle easiest---simple, no chemicals or weird things that might cause cancer. If you're REALLY feeling interested, check out www.mypyramid.org to see more about nutrition!"- Molly Eyler, Nutritionist

Ok, class anymore questions? Seriously, though, I am really going to eat healthy, not for anything but just that I know that when I do I feel 10 times better about my body than when I don't. Not that it worries me so much, what I eat, because as they say what goes in will come out, but I think that to live healthy is very respectable to my body and so it is a positive attitude, though once in a while a leeway to indulgence (afterall life has to be fun), and so I will feel more respectable to life as a whole!

Gourmet (cont.)

2007-01-22T10:00:00.000+02:00

Why I have to cont talking about food? Because we eat everyday, it has become such a hot issue unless you don't care about food and all you eat three times a day is cold food.
Yes, people in Singapore and Malaysia eat almost 24-7. It is a past time. When they have nothing to do they eat. The other day when we went out to a coffee shop, there were about 9 Malay food stalls and multitudes of Chinese stalls and all selling like hot cakes. People make such a business out of food. Nobody goes hungry. I leave it to the conscience to answer if there is an element of greed involved. The difference between need and greed is a fine thin line.
I don't think that we should dispel oil or frying from our living, I think to do it in moderation is necessary. Also on the other hand people who are careful about their means of cooking are too selective, they do not get the whole stroke of the gourmet. I still distinctively feel it is about balance rather than lopsided consumption. Of course there is such a thing as substitution but what go would subtraction do?
Finally, I think there are a lot of food theories out there. How we should eat and live. But I don't think everything must first be taken with a pinch of salt. There really is nothing that does not kill. Anything can kill. You can eat a harmless cherry and choke on it's seed. And, yes, die from eating the cherry. I have heard so much about what can maim our health, I wonder why we are all not dead yet. And yes, it may be killing us softly and slowly but I suggest that most htings do wear and tear the body in one way or another. It is moderation that helps to preseve the body and postpone its decaying eventuality. Some say coke killss. Others say stay off oil. There are some who determine to know if BK or Macdonald is better? And all are encompassed by the fear that these empires are set up to kill. Yes they definitely do have a potential. But after that they prosperity will fledge. Let me say, that I wonder this finally, what will kill us first? fear or food?
To be back soon, HG

KL pictures.

2007-01-21T14:24:00.000+02:00

internet conection is slow so i have given up posting pictures for now. later.

Gourmet

2007-01-17T18:22:00.000+02:00

I am not a food fanatic. Definately not. Sometimes when I have to eat lunch (esp) or any other meal, I feel like it is so routine. I don't see that I am doing it out of necessity but mere tradition. Why should we have three bloody meals in a day or four including supper. I just wish I could eat when I need and as much as I want or not want! Blistering Barnacles and Thundering Typhoons!

Now after this vent of ridiculous babbling, lets go on to GOURMET. Well, you know Singapore is food paradise but sometimes I wish food would not be all reeved up, all the noise and flowers on it. Just a simple meal. Today, I had that for lunch. And I loved that. I felt that it increased my appetite.

It is miraculous thought the different cusines available. The choices given, I believe I will never make a choice. The different measurements upon which different cultures work. I need to think more intricritely on this but one thing for sure, after some thought, I do know that the food made in a culture can help you appreciate it better.

Sometimes choices are fun. Not making too many yet having a good options can really spice up life. Singapore does offer that to an extent, but too much also (errrr) takes the fun out of it and it becomes cumbersome. The problem with a lot of local food though is that it is toooooo oily. Take it from me, it may taste good but it is not worth drinking oil. Maybe if you go to Iraq one can do that but not here where food is abundant and one is spoilt for choice. I feel that local food esp is drenched, soaked, made in oil. And I really feel sick after eating not too much of it. I am turning to other sources available, until I miss the local oilycacies.

Lost in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

2007-01-11T08:25:00.000+02:00

Ok, new year, new blogger.

I should like to start the new year with answers to some of the questions. I wondered that at the end of my life I will have all my questions answered. I don't think so. As I grow, I seem to have more questions with no certainty of finality.

Anyway, I want to write about something that happened last year when we were in KL. I should love to put some pictures up but not now. Now, I am only in the mood for typing as fast as possible whatever there is that is needed to say. We went to KL with two friends from India. So we were staying in an apartment P&B Darby. Apartment overlook different aspects of KL. I liked the room we slept in it had a clear view of KL buildings. I am not a big architecture critic or anything like that. In fact, the gigantic, grotesque structures do scare me sometimes; the way they awesomely tower over me expanding my minuteness. And the crowded cities overwhelms me negatively. I feel pressured and hardly at ease. Cars flying by and people hurrying incessantly between now and then. You got to stop and catch your breathe every now and then. But putting aside all these negative structures, I think the aspects of a city are also magnificent. The way they look, sometimes shaped from different dimensions. Mostly this tainted windows at the differnt angles reflecting the sunlight. And then the city is also about people living together. Compactly framed almost to suit an ideology- the mordern nomads. Hardly nomadic but still constantly evoloving, upgrading and running through life. And yet all in one place. There is so much more fascintaing approaches to life in a city. I wonder if all the cities of the world have the same aroma-- and stench..

So, we watch the Petronas tower, Twin towers. All really cool, exciting! Yet it send chills up my spine to see the city busking in such gory excitement. And then the shopping, train, food, etc...

What was though a very exhilarating experiance and more personal one was our visit to another side of KL- Chinatown. I thought it would be as boring but alas! down with my skepticism! I was rebuke with that experiance. Chinatown is cramped and jammed. The multitude of people and the slow pace at which that thin human line squeeze through the small tentages of busisnesses. One never touched anything until one was sure she was going to get it. You touch and they press upon you to get it! Run! Flee! It was as if this people had such hard dignity when it came to fighting for life. Another kind of dignity- uncouth dignity. The revelation of the market. Every one for his own survival. I learn the trick and skill of bargaining. YEA! If you don't push it down I will just go to another and then we will get on with life. Walking around flaunting the power of demand so that I could push down the equilibrium price. Economics seems so real amidst the sweat and toil of the night heat and humidity and the scram at which every one was just doing as he saw fit. In essence, it was the rat race. TRADE. Merchants for the right price. I felt as if I was fighting for my survival- monetary survival. Alright, it was not that bad. But it was very tense, even mentally I was on the edge; physical I was strain and emotionally I was vexed.

I liked that experiance because firstly it was cruel yet real. So like everything I know is out there but scrapped off the outward superficiality. It was human beings at its worst and yet best- cunning foxes, wise foxes; however you see these brutes you know deep down when man are left in the survival of the fittest, out there in this modern jungle, it boils down to selfishness. But then maybe, just maybe for a tiny second there was humanness in that selfishness- the way people fought for their lifes. In that moment some things in life just stringed togehter so sensiblely.

After a while, I was tired. When we back that night, I really felt relief; I was safe in the apartment on the 13 story. I had a few success stories of good bargaining deals.

Dark Abyss

2006-11-13T17:02:00.000+02:00

I am sad. Because just when I thought this was the end. It is going to not end. It was only suppose to be for a while but apparently it was probably never meant to be. I don't know why I am writing it here. But where can I lament on the pillow? I just want to stare at the empty space and go off... It was the maybe the most trying time but it was the best so far. How do you put a fullstop, I thought it was just to be a comma.

Pharisee writes:

2006-11-11T10:06:00.000+02:00

I BLOGGED THIS WEEK, SCUM OF THE EARTH!!! (JUST FOR YOUR LONG SIGHTED EYES TO READ.)

Still reading Mill's essay. But I am enjoying it. Last chapter now. Too much to think about to write now. Though I wrote some this week... Went to the seaside. Laugh a lot. John Donne's poems are meaningful. I like them. I learn a phrase this week: I have eater more salt than you have eaten rice. And I love the rain, it is cats and dogs now. If only I can go out. I am missing a lot of people now. If everything was settled quickly, at least I can sleep in peace. But who am I to complain. I really believe in Individuality and thus the Liberty of the Individual. We are so wanting in developing that.
An individual, HG

On Liberty- John Mill

2006-11-03T17:21:00.000+02:00

"Socrates was put to death, but the Socratic philosophy rose like the sun in heaven, and spread its illumination over the whole intellectual firmament. Christians were cast to the lions , but the Christian church grew up a stately and spreading tree, overstopping the older and less vigorous growths, and stifling them by its shade. Our merely social intolerence kills no one, roots out no opinions, but induces men to disguise or to abstain from any active effort for their diffusion. With us the heretical opinions do not perceptibly gain, or even lose, ground in each decade or generation; they never blaze out far and wide, but continue to smolder in the narrow circles of thinking and studious persons among whom they originate, without ever lighting up the general affairs of mankind with either a true or a deceptive light. And thus is kept up a state of things very satisfactory to some minds, because, without the unpleasant process of fining or imprisoning anybody, it mantains all prevailing opinions outwardly undisturbed, while it does not absolutely interdict the exercise of reason by dissentients afflicted with the malady of thought. A convenient plan for having peace in the intellectual world, and keeping all things going on therein very much as they do already. But the price paid for this sort of intellectual pacification , is the sacrifice of the entire moral courage of the human mind."

The considerations of this passage are profound. And the consequences dire because inevitably are we creating or destroying our moral courage and that of our posterity. Truth will always shine but it is us- our age and reason that suffers. Our dignity and uprightness or lack thereof that will be scorn.

Is society already judging courage or cowardice?

Another entry (Oct 28)

2006-10-28T10:12:00.000+03:00

I want to write and I can't. That is the worst feeling. So many thoughts jam in my head. Really, that is vexing. Watched Pride and Prejudice again. This time it was more boring than the previous time. Reading the book is different, I do not feel tedious. But still it was fun seeing the BBC production. It encapsulated more substance and beauty than other versions.

Jane AUSTEN is a brilliant writer. Her depiction of characters and faults is so subtil. Her sense of humor makes it enjoyable and readable. Once one takes up the book it will take a great deal to put it done. When I read her book, I feel the power of words engulfing me like smoke.

Really though I think her book is less about love more about discerning character, unfortunately most movie producers capture the storyline- the romantic part and really that is nothing more than a fairytale. We have seen it told over and over again, nothing outstanding.

The haze has subsided a lot. With the help of a lot of rain. I am so grateful to God. It is nice to be able to go outside again without worrying of retribution (lung cancer!) I already feel much better than always. I did not know how the weather could play a big role in our lives. I can't wait to go to the seaside once the air clears itself up. Other then the occassional hiccup, I feel quite revitalize and chirpy. Once in a while I come across thoughts I rather not meditate about, often when I am alone. But I hope it will soon clear itself up like th haze with help from the rain.

And Rmt if you read my blog, I hope you will be consistent in blogging!!!! Next, I am tring to get a type writer because I heard somewhere that it is much more conducive for writng than a laptop. And third what do you think of Ithiel Thomas?? (I am serious. They are really considering it.)

Philippines: Pictures or Memories

2006-10-25T10:31:00.000+03:00

I thought that I would never have the opportunity to visit the Philippines. When I went away, it was like erasing the thought all together. Home was far away now; how much more the thought of visiting that country. I wanted to go there because I have heard much from people who have been there. Everybody who saw life there somehow felt it's pathetic state and their blessings. I wanted to experiance that deeply.

I did not get much time there to get a taste of life... so maybe I should go again one day for the whole thing..

But at least here are a few memories and pictures I took with me:

The street child- three small children, frighten bones in oversized clothes, sliming aganst the wall across from where I sat eating my breakfast in the city of San Jose. Nobody saw them because nobody wanted to. It was just another part of life we never intended on having. Quietly, the barefooted ones made their way up and down, the uncovered parts of their boies and their hairs were covered with the dust. I imagine them walking along the Philippines road. What were they looking for? food? water? then the sat aginst the wall, the younger clutching firmly his brother's hand. was he afraid? We approached them. In Tagalogue. But they hid unde rhteir over sized clothes. They did not ask for money or food. They just kept dreadful silence. What would you want? Was it not just a passing moment. I thought of snatching out my camera. I stop. At least I would not still their dignity- or maybe it was already gone. But they were not artifacts of Philippines. They were her bane. And yet they never asked to be. I sat on the bench and rested my head on its metal bar. After a while I realized that someone was sitting to my left on the side walk. I turn, there was a boy, a street child, to be exact, he was playing with the sand. Here and there pushing the sand in and out. I looked at him and he did not seem to mind my staring. Seems as if he was oblivious. For a long time he sat there just doing what he was doing. I put myself in his shoes and could he be bored. Maybe pity was not what they want? Maybe this was their life? How could I demean it? But I could see outside, was there not so much more to it. Would that so much mor emake one happy? maybe good food and a shower would for a season- was htat not what humans did? I turn and asked the lady, why? how do they survive? She said "irresponsible people." and "only the best survive". A chill ran down my spine. It sounded all too familiar.

When we traveled the dusty roads of Philippines, someone inevitably had to bring out in comparison to Singapore. I really felt we could enjoy it with out that comparisons. So we all look out of the van's window decided we would open the windows. It was so dusty. The padi fields were vacant, drenched in water, I suspect the recent typhoon there in Manila. Nobody was sighted in the fields. It was desolate. Once upon a time, I could tell it was the hope, life and dream of a man and his family. Now it was a curse. Their sorrow. And empty stomachs. Then when we traveled throught the busy town roads. The choas. It felt redeeming to me at first. It was everybody gone mad. Insanity was a quality. Dusty and Humid, we toiled like a snail. Horns blaring in every direction everywhere was a four way traffic. I would love to take driving lessons there because it is frivolous. I sat on the jeepney and tricycle. The tricycle was exhilarating, snaking its way. And they were all over. all of them finding the nitch at every portion like a jigsaw puzzle changing its pattern before you or those shape-games. triangle and square and one unknoe shape- maybe hexagon. I felt like children's play on the real roads. Lawless society. The jeepney was their bus and everyone of them had their name. Tortises on the road. I had fun sitting on them!! But I would never imagine that everyday. I cme back to the place we resided weary from all the hassle!

After sunset...

2006-09-28T21:11:00.000+03:00

It is easy. Too easy to denounce. It is easy. Too easy to shrug everything off. The more I look at it the more I see...

There are those conversations that are light hearted but far from superficial. There are things not plastic that can be said to those who are.

...I see myself caught in a game that I have made up for myself. It holds anchor deep. Someone said light leads to the depth where darkness beholds...

The lamentable things the human kind convert after. Knowing it is fading beauty, passing glory. People hold out their smiles, they hardly mean it. It is the handshake of deceit.

... I begrudge them because I cannot see the other side of the panel. I feel that crossing their path is mixing everything up. Like a fool, I succumb to my own rigid chains. It is so hard to ammend because I am afraid to start form scratch, I refuse to see that I am wrong...

It is the game of betrayal. The game where the first to lose is the biggest winner. As we climb the stairs to heaven or maybe descend it to hell, we forge identities. Breaching every rule we create.

I doom my own soul with fear. Every minute with pain. Because I smell before I see. I defeat it's reasons before I acknowledge it's prescence...

Yet in all these we care about the insignificant. Hope for the minimal and die like the animals. Life thrust is death and all that leads to it. A bag of bones.

I recommend to myself the prescription of hope and live. The joy to put away. That starts by changing every idea, of letting fear go and abiding by forgiveness. It is the lessons I pick up but the fears that I drown.

An apology is given. And I mean to keep my word. No matter how many times it fails, by the end of this period it will be through.

Writing-

2006-09-19T17:59:00.000+03:00

INSPIRATION is very unique and much needed. But the question that perplexes me is how to sustain inspiration. Obviously because of itsuniqueness it uis difficult to sustain. Everytime I set out to write, I feel inspired. The next day or the next week that inspiration and penning spree would have been lost to the wind.

Writing serves a purpose different from direct speech and even media influences. It survives time more influentially. Furthermore, it accomodates and enhances the thought process for the reader. So much has been said about the good of reading. But the act of writing from the writer's perspective. It is so much easier to think sometimes say thoughts. But writing explores more than creativity. Cajoling proper and exactness, sometines venturing to explore our person and a form of undeniable excess into anything, writing is ultimately a freedom. FREEDOM from things within and without. It begins and continues, knows no bounds and has no definition, its form is immense and benign. At the same time, its effect on the writer can shape much and trhe world and yet leave little impact on everything outside though often it causes the world catastrophic corners.

Why do I write? I write because I love the way my hand moves on pen and on the key board. I write because I feel the freedom. I write because it si a contribution. But ultimately, I write because I feel the inspiration and the way of expression frees my thought, soul and energy in the way I know best.

Of course anyone is entitle to their say of writing. It's pros and its cons.

Finally I understand our Differences

2006-09-12T19:39:00.001+03:00

I am back in Spore. Unexpectedly for a break. 4 months. And already barely a week, I am wishing it was over. Not because I do not love home. In fact home is the saving grace but Spore is a new perspective. While I am at it let me introduce that we are starting construction on the IR. At the same time, the IMF/WB meeting is currently underway. Singapore ban the presence of at least 20 activist which left the WB unhappy. The full process of the institution is not just the meeting but the prescence of all forms of participation including those of the activist. Singapore, however felt that their prescence would endanger the safety and decroum of life here and so they prohibited their entering Singapore.

In my room with the windows open sometimes I hear children screaming and babies crying. I hear the vulgar talk of the neighbor below and the chatter of idle housewives. It occurs to me that life for them is a deceit. It is the everyday and care of the self and around, the gossip and the perception. It is the outward and the form. The make and the built. Everything else is sequential or negated. When I went out the oppressive cold stare or the let of regard of human survival, I could not take it. Nobody said good morning,nobody smiled, nobody look at people and saw it was a human being. No. It was all about moving fast, making money, saving face, looking good and frontal vision. I saw the herd and I moved out of their way. Everybody evaded me but it was nothing personal towards me. It was personal to them. I wanted to help, to smile but I felt like the wall again pressed into whiteness. Ostracized because I walk too slowly, evaded because I smiled. So I am very conflicted if I should pick up pace, stop looking around and wipe that smile off my face. Becasue after all is it not a culture of comformity, of blending in and being part of the herd and of saving face.

Yes, I am so sick of it. I am not for rebellion of revolt. Or ostentaciosity and pompousness. I just think we should take our time to be sincere beings. We should realize that civilization exsist for the being and not the being for civilization. The world was created for men. Why not slow down and try to be yourself. I am trying though I may not be the most perectly sane, we don't have to be colourful about it. Just a simple smile on your face instead of a rigid, tight, self concious, intimidating look might do miracles for you. Forget the cosmetics and forget the latest fashion, it is what you are that can change the tide, it si cheer that may save the one you never met.

Ghost Month

2006-09-04T06:39:00.000+03:00

Imagined nightmares inflicting my thoughts of rest. can't run, the distance is too much and I am too weak. I have left off running for too long. they say things are not black and white but nobody really explains what to do. wish I knew the answer. I am confused and stupified by the thought of going thru the imagined nightmares.

the ghost are coming. they are waiting like how people wait at the arrival halls. they are anticipating, impatiently. I remember when I was young, during competition, chains were attached to my legs. and I could not for years overcome that barrier. Lossen the chains! But, alas. Till the day there was no anticipation, no ghost staring, nobody at the arrival gates with an evil glare and the sign board that read- Hannah. Painted in black and with the scent of deciet and rounded words.

My life is chained. Ball bearings pulling me down to the center of the earth from fear. I want to fly into the shadows, sparse cry of the after rain and grassland capturing my imaginations and running the last lap with sweat drnching my face and still feeling like I woke up, just.

I want to fly over the hurdles and prove. I want to spit in your face. turn my head. no it is not a spit of a contempt. I just want to gain back what you have taken by no right. Snatched from my hands when I was a child. The right to myself. You took the key to my room and all I want is it back. And, ghost, I am coming back for it. It is up to you to hand it to me peaceably or I would fight for it. scream and punch. I am energize. Sedated with electricity.

The story is long and repetitve. But the ending will be swift and daming. It will snatch you like fire and smite your withered carcasses. It would finish what was not eaten. The body is battered but it is not dead. WHY DON'T YOU LOOK ME IN MY EYES!!! It begins at the arrival gates. It begins from the journey. But it conquers the imagined nightmares. It shatters your vase in smitherings. It burys you where you deserve. Your nitch in this world.

Comprehenision problems

2006-08-22T16:43:00.000+03:00

Waking up in mine own skin. Etched in yesterday's nightmare. I can scarcely ran. Where is the new beginning promised?

I am living shadows away. The cunning beast is here to snatch whatever cheer rises with the sun. I just want to be. Is that too much to ask...

I really don't know what happened. Something snapped and still lingers the aroma of death. Why do I get so tired of living? There are too many bathrooms. Too many insignificant desicions. They bother substance. But then I do not want big choices. I just want to sleep on the sand, I want to hear the noise of the waves crashing against the shore but withheld from me and be at rest. Is this retribution? I am guilty of crime and I am trying to run away from it but it seems to keep up with me. I have lost my speed and the breeze of running.

Shuttle

2006-08-21T17:51:00.000+03:00

The esclipse of the sun. This morning I mange to be tired and sleep till about 8 that is good. Last night people making noise outside mine window really irritated me because I had a headache and this people could not let me sleep in silence and I tried to hear music and sleep but no, I could not. I was so tired, whole day and my head was trobbing with pain. My eyes were fuming with sleep. This morning after shower, I ate a choc. Kisses.

It feel as if I am still alone. But I feel happier today. Hopefully, it lasts. I feel as if my strength is slowly ebbing in not out. I am on the verge of hysteria and getting very mad with people. That will be a sign of energy.

It scares me that I don't know what is happening. I don't feel like a person. I was talking to someone about the theme in the hall "Creatively Discovering The Individual". I tell you if I could discover what is with me now let alone discover it creatively, I would be rejocing.

I wonder do people bear? I think from their eyes and talk to me. They do.

thoughts

2006-08-20T20:57:00.000+03:00

It is very bad to take oneself out of something. I always do that. I am happy and everybody is then I have to spoil the show. It is so irritating and I know everybody is irritated by it. I wish I wasn't like that. It is at times like this that I HATE myself!!!
I am so tired and I want to sleep!!!

Thank God! The pieces are all falling back together!

2006-08-19T23:38:00.000+03:00

I am Back. and everyone is slowly falling back. sometimes, space seem to make everything much more new! much more pleaasant. But of course I can say that now, now that it is FINALLY over! Thank God for tiding me over the worst falls. It may be the parts that will hardly be called up in the remembrance of life, but it is when you know what sticks does stick. It is the part that you learn about what matters and what does not. Reflections that bring me to understand what really is it I want.

And now it seems to be over!! Thank God. I am so sad to be away from home. Last night, I was just mulling over it before I fell asleep at 5pm. Why does good never survive time? Why can't I have it all? I already miss home by a multitude of sandbags. I already thinking about the next time I will go back. I am already Back.

And now I am Back. I am happy.

I am lost amidst two worlds trying to find a proper footing on both. What a fool! (Gladly??)

2006-08-18T17:55:00.000+03:00

Flying, flying and grounded. yea, it has been a while. and already so much has come and gone. I am back at school after a whip of a trip home. Last night was awful, I am glad it is over. The morrow is here and I am waiting to unpack. The room structure is weird and I am thinking of means and ways to put this in order. Any brilliant idea?

School is starting- what a thought! I already feel it creeping behind me its devious eyes bend on getting to me. But I won't let it bother me now.

Funny incident happen at the airport when i arrived. There was this family with a board that read: Welcome to America Hanna! and already it was weird enough. So I walked past them laughing in my head. And as if they peeked into my head they turned around and asked me if I was Hannah. Erm, errrrrr... dumbfounded! have a laugh.

On a serious note, does names and people have a link?? Do I look Hannah-ish?

The intricate human understanding of the other.

2006-08-04T05:42:00.000+03:00

I have been away for some ages. Studying, studying and pretending to. What has develope in this small plot? Nothing much. What has develop in the big universe. alot of small things and alot of huge, time defining things. I wonder if the lost of someone I have never seen matters. Of course, being a Christian, it would matter for eternity. However, what is a death that never was alive. People die everywhere, everyday. I could pretend to feel the pain of the invisible but it is pretend.

I would be ignorant to think this world was a paradise. Somebody, somewhere is wallowing and somebody somewhere is rejoicing. Both share a moment of being the extreme. Both share the moment of divine injection. What is feelings? Do they exsist?

Sometimes it is so hard to realise that people do not feel as we do. What makes one happy may not make another. Is there such a thing as a universal humanhood. I cannot imagine nor apprehend. But I am trying to overcome.

Being in the distance is a human concept that we are who we are. We cannot pretend to feel a loss that never exsist nor can we ignore the feelings of loss. Though, we can truely love what is present. Is that not honesty and sincerity. And in between that we have a human contract that bonds us into a connection. How can we ignore that. We know that and that is how we know malice and joy for others. No hiding under ignorance nor from pretence. The truth prevails.

Pain is besutifully lonely. Lonliness is beautifully painful.

2006-07-30T01:21:00.000+03:00

The darken shores

Of the humid night

Sea wind blowed

Under moonlight

Simulitude of peace

In all agony

Thickens natures voice

Painful beauty

Out there: a small dingy

Sailor willing the boat forward

Lasting eternity

Determined byword

the picture in my mind

2006-07-28T04:00:00.000+03:00